Little random stuff in my trunk…

Things I like… music, nature, food, films, books, art, cartoons, places… people and their work that inspire me and keep my life interesting… quite happy no matter what 🙂
WARNING: My posts & updates here are very random… like a listless, meandering path to you-don’t-know-where… the only common theme being these are the things that I find both memorable, interesting and essential to my life… no matter how trivial some things may seem. 😉
S M A S H I N G  P U M P K I N S
LANDSLIDE
Songwriter: Nicks, Stevie
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm, mmm, mmm

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I’m getting older too

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I’m getting older too
Oh, I’m getting older too

Awh, take my love, take it down
Awh, climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide bring it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide bring it down
Oh, the landslide bring it down

PERFECT

And I’ve known
We’re just like old friends
We just can’t pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can’t help but feel
That something has been lost

But please
You know you’re just like me
Next time I promise we’ll be perfect
Perfect
Perfect

Strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind
So far, I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was
Angel, you know it’s not the end
We’ll always be good friends
The letters have been sent on

So please
You always were so free

You’ll see, I promise we’ll be perfect
Perfect

Strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers walk asleep

Perfect
You know this has to be
We always were so free
We promised that we’d be
Perfect
Perfect

M O U N T   A R A Y A T

This beautiful solitary mountain jutting out of the plains of Pampanga, my province, has been a silent spectator to the vicissitudes in my life & the lives of countless others in the sleepy town of Arayat. I have been to it thrice, someday I will find myself at its ascent once more.

B U T T E R F L Y  O R C H I D S

… like the ones Daddy brought home after being assigned in Palawan.These rare white orchids were Mommy’s source of pride and she took very good care of them…

L O V E  A C T U A L L Y

“There’s no beginning, there’ll be no end

– ” Cos on Christmas… – ‘… the bad grandad of rock’n’roll,

‘here at 10:30. Do not switch off.’

Banoffee pie?

No, thanks.

Thank God. You would’ve broken my heart if you’d said yes.

Right, well, lucky you.

– Can I come in? – Er, yeah, well, I’m a bit busy…

I was just passing and I thought we might check that video thing out.

I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie

or maybe Munchies?

Actually, I was serious – I don’t know where it is. I’ll have a look tonight.

Mark, can I say something?

Yeah.

I know you’re Peter’s best friend

and I know you’ve never particularly warmed to me.

Look, don’t, don’t argue.

We’ve never got friendly.

But I wanted to say, I hope that can change.

I’m nice. I really am. Apart from my terrible taste in pie and…

It would be great if we could be friends.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Great.

Doesn’t mean we’ll be able to find the video, though.

I had a real search when you first called and couldn’t find it so…

This one says “Peter and Juliet’s Wedding”.

Do you think we might be on the right track?

Er, yeah, well… Wow. That-that could be it.

– Do you mind if I…? – I’ve probably taped over it.

Almost everything’s episodes of West Wing.

Oh.

Oh, bingo.

That’s lovely.

Well done, you.

Oh, that’s gorgeous.

Thank you so much, Mark, this is exactly what I was hoping for.

I look quite pretty.

You’ve stayed rather close.

They’re all of me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

But…

you never talk to me.

You always talk to Peter.

You don’t like me.

I hope it’s useful.

Don’t show it around too much.

Needs a bit of editing.

Look, I’ve got to get to a… lunch.

Early lunch.

You can just show yourself out, can’t you?

It’s a… self-preservation thing, you see.

Oh I am what I am

I’ll do what I want

But I can’t hide

And I won’t go

I won’t sleep

And I can’t breathe

Until you’re resting here with me

And I won’t leave

And I can’t hide

I cannot be

Until you’re resting here

And I won’t go

And I won’t sleep

And I can’t breathe

Until you’re resting here with me

C O L D P L A Y

Y E L L O W

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I’ve done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D’you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D’you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you

LOST

Songwriters: Berryman, Guy Rupert; Buckland, Jonathan Mark; Champion, Will; Martin, Christopher A J

Just because I’m losing

Doesn’t mean I’m lost

Doesn’t mean I’ll stop

Doesn’t mean I’m in a cross

Just because I’m hurting

Doesn’t mean I’m hurt

Doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserve

No better and no worse

I just got lost

Every river that I’ve tried to cross

And every door I ever tried was locked

Ooh-Oh And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off…

You might be a big fish

In a little pond

Doesn’t mean you’ve won

‘Cause along may come

A bigger one

And you’ll be lost

Every river that you try to cross

Every gun you ever held went off

Ooh-Oh And I’m just waiting till the firing stops

Ooh-Oh And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off

Ooh-Oh And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off

Ooh-Oh And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off…

F R I E N D S

1013 – The One Where Joey Speaks French

——————————————————————————–

Written by: Sherry Bilding-Graham & Ellen Plummer
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa
——————————————————————————–

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone’s sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hi

All: Hey! Hi!

Rachel: How was the honeymoon?

Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!

Rachel: Oh!

Chandler: So, where’s Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, he’s at the doctor, he didn’t poop the whole time we were there!

Joey: Well anyway, I’m glad you’re back, I really need your help.

Phoebe: Oh, why? What’s up?

Joey: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my résumé, I’m fluent in.

Ross: Joey, you shouldn’t lie on your résumé.

Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn’t. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?

Ross: (whispering) It was ok…

Rachel: I did not know you spoke French.

Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle Français! Qu’est-ce que tu penses alors?

Rachel: Oh… you’re so sexy!

Joey: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play.

Phoebe: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.

Rachel: Seriously stop it, or I’m gonna jump on ya.

OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]
Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Why are you wearing my apron?

Monica: I’m making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.

Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as “my wife” and “the woman who’s carrying my child”? (she’s not amused) No? Divorce?

Ross: (he enters) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: You guys know where Rachel is?

Monica: No, we haven’t seen her since this morning.

Ross: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. (he tries to take a cookie but Monica slaps his hand)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Monica: These are for Erica!

Ross: What? She’s gonna eat all those cookies?

Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat!

Ross: So, why is Erica coming to visit?

Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she’s never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists’ spots… you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building…

Chandler: Oh, those places! There’s always so many people, they’re being corralled like cattle, and… you know, there’s always some idiot who goes “Mooooo”!

Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?

Ross: (looking at Rachel entering with Emma) Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late!

Rachel: Ross…

Ross: No, no, no, I’m sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney’s?

Rachel: My father had an heart attack… (crying) …while I was at Barney’s.

Ross: Oh my God.

Monica: Honey.

Chandler: I’m so sorry…

Ross: Is-is he ok?

Rachel: Yeah, they said he’s gonna be fine, but he’s still heavily sedated.

Ross: Ok, ok. I’m gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can’t be alone right now.

Rachel: No, come on, I’m totally ok. (hugging him) I don’t need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own.

Ross: Still-still, let me come… for me.

Rachel: Ok. If you really need to.

Ross: I bet someone could use one of Monica’s freshly baked cookies.

Rachel: Oh, I really could.

Ross: Oh!

Rachel: Ohh… (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies and she looks at him angrily)

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe’s trying to teach Joey French, so she’s sitting in front of him with the script in her hands.]
Phoebe: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is “My name is Claude”, so, just repeat after me. “Je m’appelle Claude”.

Joey: Je de coup Clow.

Phoebe: Well, just… let’s try it again.

Joey: Ok.

Phoebe: Je m’appelle Claude.

Joey: Je depli mblue.

Phoebe: Uh. It’s not… quite what I’m saying.

Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.

Phoebe: It does, really?

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: All right, let just try it again. Really listen.

Joey: Got it.

Phoebe: (slowly) Je m’appelle Claude.

Joey: Je te flouppe Fli.

Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu!

Joey: Oh, de fuff!

Monica: (entering with Erica and Chandler) Hey you guys.

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!

Phoebe: Oh!

Monica: Joey. Erica, baby!

Joey: Hi.

Monica: Everyone. Erica, baby!

Chandler: Monica. Calm, self.

Erica: Thank you. It’s really nice to meet you guys, I can’t believe I’m here!

Joey: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say “ghe deu flooff New York City”?

Chandler: Why would you say that?

Phoebe: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today?

Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center…

Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.

Erica: Oh yeah, let’s do that!

Chandler: Great! (to Monica) This baby’d better be really good.

[Scene: Hospital.]
Rachel: (stopping a nurse who’s coming out of a room) Oh, uhm, excuse me, I’m here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.

Ross: And I’m Doctor Ross Geller.

Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.

Rachel: Can somebody please go in?

Nurse: Absolutely.

Ross: Rach, I think I’m gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don’t want to infect him.

Rachel: Ross, please, don’t be so scared of him!

Ross: I’m not scared of him, I’m really sick!

Nurse: He’s under sedation, so he’s pretty much out.

Ross: I’m feeling better.

Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?

Nurse: Miss Green, your father’s doctor is on the phone if you’d like to speak to him.

Rachel: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok?

Ross: He’s unconscious, I think we’ll be just fine!

Rachel (leaving): Ok.

(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)

Ross: Did the TV wake you?

Dr. Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter.

Ross: Ouchy.

Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?

Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! (pause) So what’s new?

Dr. Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack.

Ross: Right, is it painful?

Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?

Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let’s see if we can get that Rachel back here.

Dr. Green: So what’s new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately?

Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French.]
Phoebe: Je m’appelle Claude.

Joey: Je do call blue!

Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let’s try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. “je”.

Joey: je.

Phoebe: m’ap

Joey: mah

Phoebe: pelle

Joey: pel.

Phoebe: Great, ok faster! “je”

Joey: je.

Phoebe: m’ap

Joey: mah

Phoebe: pelle

Joey: pel.

Phoebe: Je m’appelle!

Joey: Me pooh pooh!

Phoebe: Ok, it’s too hard, I can’t teach you!

Joey: What are you doing?

Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she leaves)

Joey: (he goes out calling her) Don’t move! Don’t go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! (he gives up). Pooh.

[Scene: Green’s mansion. Rachel’s Room. Rachel’s is combing her hair; Ross’s coming into the room]
Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad’s fridge was bacon and heavy cream. (pause) I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.

Rachel: Uh. (pause) Did you call your parents?

Ross: Oh, yeah. Emma’s doing great.

Rachel: Oh good.

Ross: Wow.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Just can’t believe I’m in Rachel Green’s room.

Rachel: What do you mean? You’ve been in my room before!

Ross: Yeah, sure, right! Like I’ve ever been in Rachel Green’s room.

Rachel: Ok I gotta tell ya, it’s really weird when you use my whole name.

Ross: Sorry. (Rachel sits on her bed). You ok?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: You had a rough day, uh?

Rachel: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don’t expect doctors to get sick!

Ross: But we do! (pause) It’s gonna be ok, Rach!

Rachel: (she’s sad) Ow. I don’t want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital!

Ross: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look…

Rachel: What?

Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn’t even know if you were there. Look, we’ll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?

Rachel: Really, I shouldn’t feel guilty?

Ross: No, God! Hey, Rach, you’ve been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest.

Rachel: Ok, maybe you’re right.

Ross: (he kisses her on her forehead) Good night.

Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while?

Ross: Sure!

Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her)<+i> Thank you for coming with me today.

Ross: Oh, of course…

Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you’re in her room!

Ross: Me too. Come here. (They hug)

Rachel: I just don’t want to be alone tonight.

Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or…(There’s one of those moments. They’re staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I’m sorry, I just don’t think this, this, this is a good idea.

Rachel: Wait, we won’t know that until we do it, will we?

Ross: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you’re feeling vulnerable and I just don’t feel it would be right, I’d feel like I’d be, you know, taking advantage of you.

Rachel: Taking advantage? I’m giving you the advantage, enjoy!

Ross: Look, I’m sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I’m gonna go!

Rachel: Wow. Ok.

Ross: I’ll see you in the morning (he leaves).

Rachel: Mhm-mh!

Ross: (outside her room, talking by (imself) Haven’t had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that!

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica and Erica have just arrived.]
Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time.

Monica: Oh, I’m glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming.

Chandler: (enters the room wearing an “I love New York” t-shirt, a “Statue of Liberty” hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!

Monica: What is with you?

Chandler: Yeah, I’ve been to these places before, but I’ve never really seen them, you know.

Monica: Yeah, you miss alot, when you’re moo-ing.

Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around.

Monica: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you.

Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know… (Monica and Chandler look at each other)

Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?

Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. (Monica and Chandler are smiling from ear to ear)

Chandler: That’s great.

Erica: Yeah… it’s almost definitely him. (Monica and Chandler look confused now)

Monica: How’s that now?

Erica: Well, there is a chance it’s another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.

Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?

Erica: No, he’s in prison. (More shocked looks from Monica and Chandler)

Monica: Was he falsely accused of something? (They look hopeful)

Erica: No… he killed his father with a shovel. (Monica and Chandler’s jaws drop) But other than that, he’s a great guy.

Chandler: I’ll bet his dad doesn’t think so.

(Time lapse. Chandler and Monica are in bed now)

Monica: Are you awake?

Chandler: Of course I’m awake. Assume from now on that I’m always awake! (He turns the light on)

Monica: Alright, we don’t know that it’s him. I mean, it could be the football guy.

Chandler: Honey, it’s us. Of course it’s the shovel-killer.

Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?

Chandler: I’d keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.

Monica: How?

Chandler: I dunno, aren’t there tests for these things, right?

Monica: Yeah, but maybe we’re just over-reacting.

Chandler: Pff, easy for you to say, he’s a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He’s probably got a tattoo that says “mom” on his shovel-wielding arm!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]
Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.

Joey: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk!

Tape: Good job.

Joey: Thank you.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again.

Joey: Oh, no, that’s okay, I don’t need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good!

Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it.

Joey: Sure, sure. Ok, (clears his throat and starts to read from his script. He starts talking in a fake French accent, making gestures with his hands) “Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu” (Phoebe looks astonished, annoyed and disgusted, Joey seems very proud though) See?

Phoebe: Well, you’re not, (she tries to smile and contain her anger, but loses it) You’re not… you’re not… again, you’re not SPEAKING FRENCH!

Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I’m definitely gonna get the part.

Phoebe: How could you possibly think that?

Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!

[Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.]
Ross: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?

Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him)

Ross: You’ve been quiet all morning. Is everything okay?

Rachel: Hmm-hmm. (starts to pour herself a cup of coffee, never looking at Ross)

Ross: You sure you’re alright?

Rachel: (coldly) Yep.

Ross: (knowing she’s not alright) O-kay. Well, I’m gonna go grab us some breakfast. (He starts to leave)

Rachel: FYI..

Ross: (knew this was coming) There it is… (he comes back)

Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex… just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)

Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) You’re mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.

Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you’d done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!

Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well…

Rachel: Oh stop that!

Ross: I can’t believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. (She walks around him to the other side)

Ross: Hey, I was looking out for you.

Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don’t need someone telling me what is best for me.

Ross: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever.

Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn’t very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms)

Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let’s just say, you and me, never having sex again.

Rachel: What?

Ross: That’s right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel’s dad glares at him with a deadly look)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica and Erica enter, Chandler is in the kitchen.]
Chandler: Hey! How was lunch?

Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)

Chandler: (struggling) Oh, really?

Erica: No! (To Monica) You we’re right, that was fun! I’m gonna go finish packing.

Chandler: O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?

Monica: Nope, she doesn’t have to, I found out who the father is.

Chandler: Oh God. It’s shovely-Joe, isn’t it?

Monica: (smiling) No it’s not.

Chandler: How do you know?

Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn’t pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy… it’d be pretty hard to make a baby that way.

Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?

Monica: The thing we never do.

Chandler: (nods in appreciation) Shovely Joe!

[Scene: The theatre where Joey is auditioning. Phoebe enters when Joey’s on stage and she sits down. He hasn’t seen her.]
Director: Whenever you’re ready Joey.

Joey: Right. (clears his throat) Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c’est la pu les la lu blah bloo.

Casting assistant: I’m sorry, what’s going on?

Joey: Dude, come on! French it u-up!

Director: Joey, do you speak French?

Joey: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof!

Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. (Joey looks disappointed, but understands.)

Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder.

Director: You really think this man is speaking French?

Joey: Sa-sa-saw!

Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C’est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. He’s my little bother. He’s a bit retarded.)

(The director looks at Joey and he nods.)

Phoebe: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui… (Translation: So, would you please just humor him?)

Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we’re gonna go with someone else for the part.

Joey: Ah. All right. But my French was good?

Director: It was great.

Joey: (to Phoebe) Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See!

Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)

Joey: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma’s room.]
Ross: Emma’s down for the night.

Rachel: Oh, good.

Ross: So uh… I guess I wanna take off.

Rachel: Okay… Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say “thank you” for coming with me.

Ross: Oh, no problem.

Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and… it’s probably not a great idea to go down that road again.

Ross: Thank you. I’m glad you agree.

Rachel: It’s a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good.

Ross: Yeah… Yeah, that’s true.

Rachel: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time…?

Ross: Oh, ye-ah!

Rachel: You know it was you’re uhm… birthday…

Ross: …Valentine’s day…

Both: (long pause, they realize) Oh yeah!

Rachel: Well, I guess that’s all in the past, now.

Ross: Hmmm-mmmm.

Rachel: (after a pause) Not even one more time?

Ross: Not even once.

Rachel: No matter how much we want it.

Ross: Even if we want it really bad.

Rachel: That’s what we decided.

Ross: Uhm, right!

Rachel: …It’s kinda hard though!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that’s… just seems like such a… waste.

Ross: …I hate waste.

Rachel: …Ross?

Ross: Yes?

Rachel: Just so you know… With us… it’s never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.)

Ross: Damn it. It’s never off the table. (he leaves the apartment)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Phoebe and Joey are “updating” Joey’s resumé.]
Phoebe: Okay, can you really tapdance?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: It’s off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil)

Phoebe: Archery?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Horseback riding?

Joey: Would fall off a lot.

Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?

Joey: That I can do.

Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?

Joey: Al, right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?

Phoebe: Ready… GO!

(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps “drinking” and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)

Phoebe: (checking her watch) You did it!

THE END

3 0   S E C O N D S  T O  M A R S

CLOSER TO THE EDGE
30 Seconds to Mars
Songwriter: Jared Leto

I don’t remember the moment I tried to forget
I lost myself, is it better not said
I’m closer to the edge

It was a thousand to one and a million to two
Time to go down in flames and I’m taking you
Closer to the edge

[Chorus:]
No I’m not saying I’m sorry
One day maybe we’ll meet again
No I’m not saying I’m sorry
One day maybe we’ll meet again
No no no no

Can you imagine a time when the truth ran free?
The birth of a song, the death of a dream
Closer to the edge

This never ending story
Paid for with pride and fate
We all fall short of glory
Lost in our fate

[Chorus]

[x2]
No no no no
I will never forget
No no
I will never regret
No no
I will live my life

[Chorus]

Closer to the edge
Closer to the edge
No no no no
Closer to the edge
Closer to the edge
No no no no
Closer to the edge

C L U E L E S S

Directed by Amy Heckerling

CAST:

Alicia Silverstone………Cher Horowitz

Stacey Dash…………….Dionne

Brittany Murphy…………Tai

Paul Stephen Rudd……….Josh

Donald Adeosun Faison……Murray

Elisa Donovan…………..Amber

Breckin Meyer…………..Travis

Jeremy Sisto……………Elton

Dan Hedaya……………..Mel

Aida Linares……………Lucy

Wallace Shawn…………..Mr. Hall

Twink Caplan……………Miss Geist

Justin Walker…………..Christian

Sabastian Rashidi……….Paroudasm

Herb Hall………………Principal

Julie Brown…………….Miss Stoeger

Susan Mohun…………….Heather

Nicole Bilderback……….Summer

Ron Orbach……………..DMV Tester

Sean Holland……………Lawrence

Roger Kabler……………College Guy

Jace Alexander………….Robber

Josh Lozoff…………….Logan

Carl Gottlieb…………..Minister

Joseph D. Reitman……….Student

Anthony Beninati………..Bartender

Micki Duran…………….Dancer

Gregg Russell…………..Dancer

Jermaine Montell………..Dancer

Danielle Eckert…………Dancer

Written by

Jane Austen   (novel Emma)

Amy Heckerling

Cinematography by

Bill Pope

Music by

David Kitay

Production Design by

Steven J. Jordan

Costume Design by

Mona May

Film Editing by

Debra Chiate

Produced by

Barry M. Berg  (co-producer)

Twink Caplan  (associate)

Robert Lawrence (III)

Scott Rudin

Adam Schroeder  (co-producer)

Other crew

Den Abraham…………..set dresser

Barry M. Berg…………unit production manager

Alan ‘Doc’ Friedman……make-up

Richard Graves………..assistant director

Raul Gutierrez………..assistant to Scott Rudin

William Hiney…………art director

Lawrence Karman……….camera operator

Mark Kusy…………….set dresser

James LaBarge…………set dresser

Alyson Dee Moore………foley

James Muro……………steadicam operator

Wendy Murray………….set dresser

Patricia Nedd…………foley

Nina Paskowitz………..hair styles

Karyn Rachtman………..music supervisor

Patrick Romano………..stunt co-ordinator

Marcia Ross…………..casting

Daniel Silverberg……..assistant director

Jeffrey T. Spellman……location manager

Amy Wells…………….set decorator

Diana Williams………..assistant director

SCENE IV – CLASSROOM DEBATE

MR HALL

Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America?

Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.

CHER

So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians

need to come to America. But some people are all “What about the strain on our resources?” But it’s like, when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner.

But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion,

may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?

(Class breaks into applause)

CHER

Thank you very much.

MR HALL

Uh, Amber? Replying?

AMBER

Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she’s talking about some little party.

CHER

Hello?! It was his fiftieth birthday!

AMBER

Whatever. If she doesn’t do the assignment, I can’t do mine.

MR HALL

Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher’s oration? Elton? Comments?

ELTON

Yeah, I can’t find my Cranberries CD. I’ve gotta do the Quad before somebody snags it.

MR HALL

I’m afraid I can’t permit that. Any further insights?

TRAVIS

I had an insight, Mr. Hall.

MR HALL

I’m all ears.

TRAVIS

OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn’t torment my Mom anymore, huh?

MR HALL

Yes. Well, it’s a little off the subject of Haiti, but tolerance is always a good lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere.

TRAVIS

Thank you.

MR HALL

And with that in mind, I’m going to distribute you report cards. Now, is there a Christian Stobich in this class?

CHER

MR. Hall? The buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody, so he’ll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal

profession.

MR HALL

Thank you for that perspective Cher.

(Mr. Hall hands out the report cards)

Now could all conversations please come to a halt.

(Travis jumps up to the window)

And could the suicide attempts please be postponed till the next period?

TRAVIS

Must die.

CHER V.O.

Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period.

I got a C in debate?!

SCENE XXXV – CHER’S HOUSE

CHER V.O.

But now I don’t know how to act around him. I mean, ordinarily I would strut around in my cutest little outfits and send myself flowers and candy, but I couldn’t do that stuff with Josh.

(Cher and Josh are in the lounge

watching TV)

JOSH

What’s with you?

CHER

What do you mean?

JOSH

You’re so quiet. You haven’t made me watch the real world?

CHER

I care about the news.

JOSH

Since when?

CHER

Since now.

(TV shows scenes from Bosnia)

JOSH

You look confused.

CHER

Well, uh, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.

(Scene changes to Mel’s den with Cher walking past the door in her pyjamas)

MEL

Cher, get in here!

CHER

What’s up Daddy?

MEL

What are you doing, dancing in front of my office?

CHER

Nothing, I just wanted to see if you needed any help with anything.

MEL

Yeah, you could help me with something. Come over here. Every time that you see a telephone conversation that took place on September third, highlight it. just September third.

CHER

OK.

MEL

Fun, huh?

CHER (laughing)

Yeah. Daddy, did you ever have

a problem that you couldn’t argue your way out of?

MEL

Tell me the problem, and we’ll

figure out how to argue it.

CHER

I like this boy.

MEL

Yes?

CHER

And he likes someone else.

MEL

How could that be?

CHER

I don’t know, but I feel wretched.

MEL

Well, obviously this boy is a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills. And to tell you the truth, I’m not sure I want you with a stupid fella like that.

CHER

Well, actually he is a smart guy and, you know he’s one of those do-gooder types, and now I feel like all my after-school commitments are just not good enough.

MEL

How can you say that? Who takes care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure that Daddy eats right?

To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good-doing since your mother.

CHER

Really?

MEL

Really. Now get back to work.

B R O T H E R S  B U R G E R

T A H O

T H E  U N F O R G I V E N

EXT. HOG PEN – DAY

The hog in the mud, snorting and squealing, ugly as hell and BILL MUNNY in the mud with him, pushing and shoving, trying to move the stubborn animal and Munny goes down face first and comes up more covered with mud than he already was and the words on the screen say,

WRITTEN WORDS (super)

Some months later, Hodgeman County, Kansas.

Munny is thirty-five or forty years old, his hair is thinning and his moustache droops glumly over his stubbled jaw.  If it were not for his eyes he would look like any pig farmer with his canvas overalls tucked in his boots pushing on a hog.  He is pushing on the hog again, grunting with the effort, when he hears the voice.

THE KID’S VOICE o.s.

You don’t look like no rootin’, tootin’, sonofabitchin’,            cold-blooded assassin.

MUNNY   (looking up, startled)

Huh?

THE KID is only six feet away, the sun behind him, sitting on a very big and very ancient Morgan horse.  He’s wearing a wide-brimmed Texas hat, a vest, a holstered pistol, and he is a wiry kid, maybe twenty years old, with scraggly blonde hair, four of his upper front teeth missing, and a funny, squinty way of looking out of his watery blue eyes.  Most of all, he doesn’t look very prosperous.

THE KID

I seen how you got only three

fingers on your left hand, though,

so I guess you’re calling yourself

Mister Bill Munny.

Munny does indeed have three fingers on his left hand and he doesn’t like this conversation at all.

MUNNY

William Munny, yeah.

THE KID

Same one as shot Charlie Pepper in  Lake County?

A VOICE

Paw!  Hey, Paw!

The voice belongs to WILL,  a skinny ten-year-old who dashes up with his seven-year-old sister, PENNY, right on his heels.  The kids are ragged and dirty, they don’t look well-fed or even very healthy.  Even as Will speaks to his father, Munny, his eyes, and Penny’s too, go to The Kid.

They don’t see many strangers.

MUNNY

What is it, son?

WILL

Two more hogs got the fever.

Munny winces.  The Kid ignores the interruption.

THE KID

You shot Charlie Pepper, didn’t

you?  And you’re the one killed

William Harbey an’ robbed the

train over…

MUNNY

(sharply)    Hold on, mister.

(to Will)    Son, this here pig gotta be moved

outta this pen, away from them  others.  Penny, you give yer

brother a hand…

PENNY

(emotional)     This one’s sick too?

Munny ignores the question, already on his way to the miserable-looking shack.

MUNNY

Let’s talk inside, mister.

INT. SOD HUT – DAY

Munny selects a tin cup from a wash pan of dirty dishes.  It is dark and cool inside his one room sod hut… and poor.

The Kid checks one of the three chairs for stability before sitting down.

MUNNY

You’re Pete Sothow’s nephew, huh?

Hell, I thought maybe you was

someone come to kill me…

(he has the cups and  he crosses to the fire)

…for somethin’ I done in the old days.

THE KID

(sitting)

I could of… easy.

MUNNY

Yeah, I guess so.

THE KID

Like I was sayin’ you don’t look

like no meaner than hell cold-blooded damn killer.

MUNNY

Maybe I ain’t.

THE KID

Well, Uncle Pete said you was the

goddamndest meanest sonofabitch

ever lived an’ if I ever wanted a

partner for a killin’, you was the

worst one.  Meanin’ the best.  On

account of you’re cold as snow an’

don’t have no weak nerve nor fear.

Munny serves the coffee gloomily and sits down.  It appears is feelings are hurt but The Kid doesn’t notice.

MUNNY

He said that, huh?

THE KID

I’m a damn killer myself, only I

ain’t killed so many as you because

of my youth.  Schofield Kid, they

call me.

MUNNY

Schofield?  You from Schofield?

THE KID

(laying his Smith & Wesson

Schofield .45 on the table)

On account of my Schofield model

Smith and Wesson pistol.

MUNNY

Oh.

THE KID

Well, how about it?

MUNNY

About what?

THE KID

Bein’ my partner.   I’m headin’ North

up around the Niobrara in Nebraska.

Gonna kill a couple of no good cowboys.

MUNNY

What for?

THE KID

For cuttin’ up a lady.   They cut up

her face an’ cut her eyes out, cut

her ears off an’ her tits too.

MUNNY

(horrified)

Jesus!

THE KID

(pleased with the reaction)

Thousand dollars of reward.  Five hundred a piece.

WILL

Paw, I can’t move that damn pig.

Will has slipped into the house with Penny in tow and they are both covered with mud and Will is swearing toshow off to the stranger.

MUNNY

(embarrassed)

No cussin’ now, Will.   Go on out

the pump an’ clean up some an’ I’ll

be along.   Check them other pens.

The two kids back out the door, eyes on the pistol and the stranger, and Munny walks over near the beds with his back to The Kid.

MUNNY

I ain’t like that no more, Kid.

Whiskey done it as much as anythin’

I guess.

(turning to The Kid)

I ain’t touched a drop in ten years.

My wife, she cured me of it…

cured me of drink an’ wickedness.

THE KID

Well… you don’t look so prosper-

ous.  Hell, you could buy her a new

dress out of your half.  We could

kill them two an’ you could buy

your wife one of them fancy…

MUNNY

She’s passed on, Kid.

THE KID

Huh?

MUNNY

Been gone near three years now.

THE KID

(staring stupidly)

Oh.

P U R E F O O D S  B E E F  F R A N K S

D U Y A N

S O U T H  P A R K

“Britney’s New Look”

Cast:

Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Randy Marsh
Sheila and Geraldl Broflovski
Jimbo
Hillary Clinton
Barack Obama
Bill and Gil
Bob Summers
Britney Spears
Chris
Clerk
Conductor
David
Doctor
Elderly Man
ET Reporter
Farmer
Female Aide
Guard
Leslie
Male Aide
Male passenger
Manager
Moderator
Mother
Narrator
Officer
Photographers and Paparazzi
Reporter
Robert Pooner
Ron
Sound Engineer
Townsfolk
Tracy
VJ


[A TV screen showing animated graphics: Decision 2008 Debate, on Fox 31]
Announcer: Live, from Chicago, Illinois, it’s Decision 2008.
Moderator: [in a droning voice] Good evening and welcome to the political debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama. [turns to them] First question: How do you see yourself as different from your opponent?
[Stan’s house. Randy has the four boys seated on the couch as they all watch TV together. Randy has a beer in his left hand. Butters is passed out while the other three boys are half asleep.]
Stan: Ugh, Dad, can we please not watch this?
Randy: This is important, Stanley! [the boys look at him] You boys should care about this stuff.
Cartman: Yeah, but we totally don’t.
Randy: Well you boys are gonna sit and watch this! This is what really matters!
Moderator: And so, Mr. Obama, why don’t you tell us your stance on military spending?
Barack Obama: Well, my opinion is that-
[Emergency New Bulletin]
Announcer: We interrrupt this debate for an emergnecy news bulletin! It’s… Britney Watch! [a montage of Britney pictures is stamped with a stamp saying “Britney Watch” inside it. Dramatic background music starts up] Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!
Butters: [wakes up and looks at the screen] Man…
Randy: [getting excited, leans forward] Oh-oh boy, what’she done now?
Anchorman: Britney has been spotted camping in the Colorado mountains, and one report claims that she has taken a piss… in the forest. Robert Pooner has more.
Robert Pooner: Ron, I’m standing in South Mark, Colorado, where Britney Spears has apparently been trying to get away from it all. [the boys react to the news]
Cartman: Aw dude, that’s our town!
Robert Pooner: Ms. Spears was spotted at a mountain campground [shots of her pitching a tent and relaxing in a chair after the tent is up], and you won’t believe what she did, Ron. The troubled diva took a piss. Right on a ladybug. We blurred out parts of the photo so that it doesn’t offend. [a shot of her squatting and pissing on the ladybug. The blurred area is her face]
Randy: She’s such a train wreck!
Robert Pooner: When the photo is enhanced, Ron, you can see the poor little ladybug getting doused. [extreme closeup of the piss hitting the ladybug]
Ron: [the anchorman] This must be very embarrassing for Britney that this photo got out, Bob, and, and she looks like she’s gained weight.
Robert Pooner: That’s right, Ron, she really chubbed up. And if you zoom in on her face, you can see that she’s got some zits! [a choseup of her chin shows two zits]
Butters: Aw, poor girl.
Randy: [rising from his armchair] Hey Sharon, Britney peed on a ladybug. [heads towards the kitchen]
Ron: The photograph was taken by Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado [a photo of Brian Willis holding lots of bricks of money appears], who sold it to 31 News for a hundred thousand dollars.
Kyle: A hundred thousand dollars?
Cartman: That’s enough to buy slaves!
Ron: Britney is said to be now hiding out in a South Park motel. Aand now back to the stupid Democratic debates.
Hillary Clinton: -and spearchuckers.
Kyle: [gets off the sofa] Did you guys hear that?! A hundred thousand dollars for a picture of Britney.
Stan: [gets off the sofa] And she’s at a hotel in our town. [Cartman gets up as well and gets restless]
Kyle: It’s gotta be the Komfort Inn. It’s the nicest hotel in South Park. Cartman, go get your camera.
Cartman: [runs off] Sweet!
Butters: [finally gets up] Hey, hanguh, hang on, fellas, don’t you think Britney’s been through enough? I mean, maybe it’s finally time for us all to just leave her alone.
Stan: [thinks a bit, then] Butters, don’t be such a pussy.
Butters: [looks at Stan, then at Kyle] Hokay. [smiles]
[The sidewalk. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk along, Cartman has his camera with him]
Kyle: A hundred thousand for a picture of Britney peeing on a ladybug. Imagine what a photo of her crapping on a squirrel is worth!
Butters: [hidden, comes to the front] Well this costume was supposed to be for the Easter musical, fellas, not for tryin’ to make an easy buck! [something stops them in their tracks]
Stan: Oh no.
[Before them is the Komfort Inn, with a crowd of paparazzi standing in front of it. The boys walk up to the crowd]
Kyle: Excuse us, we’re trying to get a picture of Britney Spears!
Photographer 1: Join the club.
Photographer 2: Yeah, all you amateur photographers are makin’ this tougher on the professionals!
Cartman: We’re professionals too, you fuckin’ butthole! [the boys make it through the crowd and approach a set of stairs. A security guard stops them]
Guard: Ah ah, nobody goes upstairs.
Kyle: [stammers] We uh, we have special permission?
Stan: Yeah, don’t you recognize us? We’re Britney Spears’ kids.
Guard: You are?
Butters: [not amused] Not me! I’m a squirrel!
[A hotel room. Britney is painting her toenails on a low table while on the phone with someone]
Britney: But now everybody thinks I hate ladybugs. I didn’t even know it was there. I can’t take it anymore. I’m just sooo- [several knocks are heard at her door]
Guard: Excuse me, Ms. Spears, but your kids are here and they’ve brought you a squirrel.
Britney: My boys? Really? Send them in. [to the caller] It’s okay. My kids are here. I feel better now. [hangs up. Stan and the others enter the room]
Kyle: We did it guys!
Stan: I told you that would work!
The Boys: Yehehahah, all right!
Kyle: Ahall right!
Britney: [walks up to them] You mean, it was just a joke? My kids ain’t here?
Kyle: Alright. Butters, go get next to her.
Butters: I ain’t doin’ it! We tricked her and it wasn’t nice!
Stan: Butters, do you want your share of the hundred thousand dollars or not?
Britney: [walks back to the table] You’re never gonna leave me alone, are you?
Butters: It ain’t right to take advantage of somebody no matter who they are! [Britney opens a drawer and pulls something out]
Kyle: All right, fine! We don’t need you, Butters!
Stan: Yeah, we’ll just get a picture of her doing something else.
Cartman: [aims his camera] All right lady, just flash us your crotch or somethin’.
Britney: I’ve got a better idea.
Stan: You do?
Britney: Yeah. [whips out a big shotgun, shoves the nozzle into her mouth, and pulls the trigger]
Stan, Kyle: NO! [the gun goes off and she falls to the ground. The gun falls away from her. All four boys stand there, stunned and speechless. Cartman does not take any pictures. After a bit, Cartman turns and runs out. Butters looks at Stan and Kyle, then heads for the door]
Butters: [stops and looks back] You killed her! [leaves]
Guard: Hey, everything all right u-. Oh.
[A hospital. Not Hell’s Pass. Stan and Kyle sit on chairs outside a room, waitiing for word on Britney’s condition.]
Nurse: [over the PA system] Paging Dr. Bender? Paging Dr. Bender, please? [another nurse wheels an elderly patient across the hall]
Stan: We should have just left her alone. So we just had to push her.
Kyle: How cold we know she would… Aw we suck so hard.
Doctor: [walks up to Stan and Kyle and faces them] She’s… alive.
Kyle: Whew.
Stan: Oh, thank God.
Doctor: But, we almost lost her. Why couldn’t you boys just leave her alone?
Kyle: Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute?
Doctor: I don’t want you making her upset.
Stan: We don’t wanna upset her, we just want to tell her that we’re sorry.
Doctor: [sighs] All right.
[Britney’s recovery room]
Doctor: [enters with Stan and Kyle] Ms. Spears, these boys wanted to say something. [Britney gargles something. Only her lower jaw and the base of her skull remain of her head]
Kyle: Oh my God!
Stan: Oh no!
Doctor: [by Britney’s side] The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney. [glares at Stan and Kyle] Right, boys?!
Kyle: Oh, yeah. Yeh-yeah. It’s a-it’s not even noticeable. [Britney gargles something back. The boys join the doctor at her side]
Doctor: Well, I’ll let you boys have your say. [walks off. Britney gargles something]
Stan: [his voice shaking] Ms. Spears, uh… we’re… really… sorry for making you want to kill yourself.
Kyle: Oh, God, what have we done??
[Britney Watch returns, complete with montage and music]
Announcer: It’s Britney Watch! Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!
Reporter: [outside Denver Medical Center, with photographers swarming the area] You won’t believe what Britney’s done now. The troubled pop star has just been spotted with a crazy “no top part of my head” look. This video [shown as he speaks] was taken just hours ago as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason. And if we zoom in on the footage, right, ri-right here [the camera zooms in on the left breast], you can also definitely see a boob job scar. No doubt now that she’s had plastic surgery in the past.
Anchorman: O ho ho, oh houch, that’s gotta be embarrassing. Chris, any word on why Ms. Spears went for this radical “no top of the head” look?
Chris: No word yet, Tom, but it could be over the embarrassment of the boob job scar video we showed just, just now. Uh, even though the timing doesn’t quite work out.
[Denver Medical Center, Britney’s recovery room. The window begins to crowd with photographers and flash bulbs begin to go off. Stan and Kyle look back at the window. The photographers begin to clamor for Britney’s attention]
Kyle: [he and Stan are blinded by the flash] Dude! [the doctor reaches the curtains and closes them, but the flashes don’t stop going off]
Doctor: Damnit, she can’t handle any stress right now!
Manager: Excuse me, I’m Britney Spears’ manager. [sees her in bed] Oh, jeez, Britney! Britney, what were ya thinkin’? First you shave your head and then this.
Britney: Guglo.
Manager: Well, it’s a ballsy new look, I’ll give you that.
Paparazzo: Brit! Over here, Brit. One for Star Weekly. [Britney instinctively raises her left arm to shield her eyes from the camera, though she has no eyes now]
Doctor: Damnit you have to take her out of here; she can’t be around all this right now.
Britney: Right. We need to take her home. Boys, can you give me a hand with her?
Stan: Yeah, of course. [begins to help out]
[A side entrance. The manager opens the door and looks around for any photographers]
Manager: [softly] Okay, come on! [leads the boys and Britney out] My car is right here. [opens the door and gets in. The photographers are within earshot…]
Photographer 3: Hey look!
Photographer 4: There she is! [A photographer points and his face becomes distorted. The photographers rush the car before the manager can leave]
Kyle: Oh crap!! [the photographers again clamor for Britney’s attention, and one of them asks about her choice of shoes]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Manager: Yeah yeah, it’s like this all the time. [to the photographers] Thank you! Yes, thanks. [drives out of the crowd and peels away. The paparazzi look on and then pursue the car on foot]
Stan: Look, uh, we feel really bad, and, and we wanna help Britney however we can.
Manager: That’s great, boys. Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you. And don’t worry: Britney is a queen at reinventing herself. We just need to get her into the recording studio right away.
Kyle: What?!
[Britney’s recording studio. Stan and Kyle are there with the manager and the studio crew, and they’re outraged at the way Britney is being treated.]
Manager: All right, Britney, let’s take it from the top. Remember to bring that sexiness to it.
Kyle: Excuse me, is this really what you think she should be doing right now?
Sound Engineer: All right, Brit, let’s try it from the top. [a studio hand gives her some headphones to work with, and she holds them up against what would be her right ear. She gargles intermittently]
Female Aide: God, what a train wreck.
Male Aide: She must be stoned again. [Britney continues to gargle more often and longer]
Stan: Would you put a stop to this, please? This is only gonna make things worse.
Manager: Whattaya mean? She sounds great. [suddenly stops the music] Ah, Britney, that last lyric is supposed to be “love elation.” Sounds more like you’re saying “love creation.”
Britney: Gogehah.
Manager: E-la-tion. Really enunciate the L.
Britney: Egeul-gageol
Sound Engineer: Gah, she’s so stupid.
Stan: What do you expect?! Look at her! She doesn’t have most of her brain!
Sound Engineer: I know. She’s really dumb, huh? [smiles]
Stan: No, I mean, she literally doesn’t have most of her brain! Her head is gone!
Sound Engineer: [cups his hands like he’s grabbing Britney] Yeah. And she’s all fat, too.
Britney: Okel?
[MTV Video Music Awards 2007]
Announcer: Live, from Las Vegas, it’s the MTV Video Music Awards
VJ: What’s up, y’all? It’s the MTV Awards and we are kickin’ it off right. Here to perform her new song is the one, and only, Britney Spears! [two stage hands walk Britney out on stage]
Kyle: Aw come on now, people! [the manager is pleased with the performance]
Woman: Oh my God, she’s really gotten chubby. [the song begins: “It’s Britney, bitch!” Britney is waiting for her cue as dancers swirl around her. She begins to warble, and it echoes. She walks and immediately a dancer keeps her from falling.]
Singers: The way she fee-els. [Britney leans over, and another dancer stands her up again. She warbles some more] Love inside.
Man: Oh man, she’s totally lip-syncing.
Stan: [annoyed] She doesn’t have any lips!
Singers: Temporary. [Britney warbles some more. Two male dancers come by and turn her around so the camera can focus on her ass] So hot! [a few moments she gets a solo segment and four male dancers fawn over her]
[Post-Awards report]
Reporter: Disaster at the MTV awards. People are ridiculing Britney Spears. Her performance was awful, Tom. She looked tired, she looked fat, she didn’t have a head. It was just completely phoned in. No doubt, Tom, that girl has major issues.
[A green room. Britney, her manager, and the boys are watching the news report]
Manager: Don’t listen to ’em, Brit! They’re all just jealous. And we can put you on SlimFast tomorrow. [walks over to the door and opens it. The paparazzi is there, piled on from floor to ceiling] Hang on, hang on, she’ll be out in a minute. [leaves, closing the door. No paparazzi get in. Once the place is silent, she sits back on her armchair and relaxes with a sigh. Stan and Kyle can only look on]
Stan: We have to get her away from all this, dude. People just aren’t gonna let up. We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace.
Kyle: Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go where nobody will bother her?
Stan: [strokes his chin and takes a few steps forward] I know where.
[TransTrak station: “Travel by Train.” It’s 2:24 in the afternoon when Stan pops up at the window]
Stan: We want three tickets to the North Pole. [the clerk stops what he’s doing and looks around]
Clerk: The North Pole? [leaves his chair and walks to the window] Who the hell goes to the North Pole?
Stan: We do. Me, my friend, and his aunt. [Kyle and Britney stand behind him. Britney is wearing a wig, sunglasses, and hat as a disguise]
[Britney Watch returns…]
Announcer: [breathless] It’s Britney Wowtch!
Ron: A distraught Britney Spears has apparently disappeared and abandoned all those close to her. A local housewife caught a photo of Britney running away in this disguise! [a shot of Stan and Kyle leading Britney down the street]
Robert Pooner: Britney is obviously very upset about her MTV performance, Ron, and so she’s become desparate. Most troubling for her is the fact that her disguise has total camel toe. [the camera zooms in on her crotch to show what looks like a camel’s toe under her shorts]
Ron: Oooooh, ouch!
Anchorwoman: Oh boy, now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel toe offense.
Leslie: Absolutely maaajor camel toe, Tracy. Britney just seems oblivious. She was bound to get noticed: you walk around with that kind of cam toe and you’re gonna turn heads.
Ron: [grunts a little] Eh, David, any idea as to how big the camel toe actually was? [a shot of Britney and a camel toe together]
Robert Pooner: She was sportin’ toe like never before, Brian. I, I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl, but, it’s a slap in the face to camels all over the planet
Ron: Those close to Britney say they are very worried and want to bring her home safe. And now back to the local news.
Tracy: [a picture of Butters being dragged towards an animal control truck] The giant squirrel which was picked up last week by animal control apparently now thinks it’s a person. Colorado officials have taken the squirrel to Johns-Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation
Ron: Hm, that squirrel is obviously nuts.
[The platform at TransTrak.]
Kyle: Platform 4F. Uhhh, it must be on the other side of the station.
Paparazzo: [behind the boys] There she is! It’s Britney! [nore photographers show up and begin to take pictures]
Stan: Oh no. [he and Kyle quickly whisk Britney away, the photographers hot on their tails. They pass a room whose door is slightly open. Seconds later they return to it, go in, and shut the door]
Stan: Dude, they’re never gonna let us through.
Kyle: Yes they are! I have an idea.
Paparazzo 2: Britney? Where’d she go?
Paparazzo 3: There she is! [Kyle appears wearing Britney’s disguise. He turns to look at the paparazzi, then runs away. The paparazzi start taking pictures and following him. He runs down the street, the paparazzi pursue him]
[Inside the train. Stan leads Britney to a couple of seats by a window. Britney is wearing Kyle’s hat]
Stan: It’s okay, you’ll be in the North Pole soon. [Britney gargles something]
[The streets. Kyle continues to lead the paparazzi away from Britney and tries to lose them at the same time]
Manager: There she is. Hey Britney, it’s me. [Kyle ignores him and keeps running. He joins the paparazzi in chasing “Britney” down. Kyle runs through a park; they’re right behnd him. Kyle runs into a garden full of statues, stops, and turns around] Britney. It’s over. What were you runnin’ for anyway?
Paparazzo 4: Hey, wait a minute. Where’s her camel toe?!
Kyle: [takes off the sunglasses] I’m not Britney Spears, alright?!
Paparazzo 5: Ooo, psych!
Manager: She must be back at the train station; come on! [they turn around and go back-]
Kyle: Now, wait a minute! Everyone stop for one minute! [the group turns around. Kyle drops the sunglasses] Look, you guys are gonna end up killing her. Can’t you see that Britney isn’t in any condition to handle this crap anymore? I know watchingn celebrities go down can be fun. Me and my friends are as guilty as all of you, but maybe, wulljust, maybe, …it’s time to let this one go. Just this one time, let’s, let’s all stop before it’s too late, huh?
Paparazzo 6: [steps forward] Son, you don’t seem to understand. Britney Spears… has to die.
Kyle: [quizzically] Huh? [thunder starts rolling in the distance]
Paparazzo 7: What do you think all this effort has been for?
Manager: [a sinister smile crosses his face] It cannot be stopped. The purpose is too great.
Officer: She must… die.
Background Singers: Hetus. Alte omnebus. [the photographers begins to join in] Virtu e poquebus. [other adults join in this nonsensical Latin chant]
[The TransTrak train heads north through the Rockies]
Narrator: Little Stanley was tired and hungry. But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe, he had to get her to the North Pole.
Stan: You doing okay, Ms. Spears? [she gargles. From the train’s cab, the conductor looks back at Britney and Stan through the cab door’s window]
Conductor: [on the phone] It’s her. Um no, I’m sure it’s Britney Spears; [looks at a photo] it looks just like the picture. [the photo he holds is that of a camel’s toe, not of Britney] You want me to, to what? Yes, I understand. [begins chanting] Rectus. Hoc honebus
[A small town. A car stops and its passengers empty out: Britney’s manager, two cameramen, and Kyle. The manager walks up to an elderly man and shakes hands with him]
Elderly Man: Hello, I’m Bob Summers, so glad you picked our little town.
Kyle: What is going on?! Why do you want Britney Spears to die?!
Bob Summers: Well nobody wants her to die, little boy. We all simply… need her to. Do you understand?
Kyle: NO!
Paparazzo 8: look, kid, throughout history people have found it necessary to engage in… human sacrifice.
Bob Summers: In ancient times, humans would commonly pick one lovely girl, adorn her with jewels, treat her like a goddess, and then… watch her die.
Paparazzo 9: We like to think we’re more civilized now, but the truth is our lust for torture and death is no different than it was in gladidator times.
Paparazzo 10: Only difference is that now we like to watch people put to death through magazines and photographs.
Canadian Paparazzo: It’s a damn shame too. Old ways were bettah. Used to be we just picked someone by lottery and then stoned them to death.
Woman: Stonin’ to death was too violent. Rather have the sacrifice kill itself.
Kyle: You mean everyone has been wanting Britney Spears to kill herself?
Man: Britney was chosen a long time ago, to be built up and adored, and then sacrificed. For harvest.
Paparazzo 11: All right, everyone’s about here.
Kyle: [bewildered] Who’s everyone?! Who all is in on this?!
[The TransTrak train. Everyone is sleeping when the train comes to a sudden stop and the whistle blows. They wake up.]
Male passenger: Hey, where are we? This isn’t right. [Stan looks out the window quickly. Outside is an empty field, but a horde of photographers race through it and reach the train, clamoring for her attention and ready to take pictures]
Stan: Oh no!
Britney: Ohhh thoooo!
Stan: [hops down and grabs Britney’s hand] Come on, Britney! [pulls her out the opposite side and into the field] Come on, come on! [as they run, Kyle’s hat falls away. They reach the end of the field and enter a clearing. They look around and find themselves surrounded. All sorts of people are there, not just paparazzi. The escape route they just used is closed off by more spectators. Stan looks around and some faces are recognizable, like Irene. Sheila and Gerald show up]
Kyle: Mom, Dad! [runs up to them] They’re gonna kill her! They’re going to in-. Wait, what are you doing here?
Gerald: It’s okay, Kyle. Just… be a good boy.
Kyle: Good boy? You know all about this?
Stan: Kyle, what the fuck is going on now?
Kyle: She’s been built up to be sacrificed, Stan!
Stan: Sacrificed? For what?
Randy: For harvest, Stanley. Same reason we’ve always done it.
Canadian Paparazzo: Sacrifice in March, corn have plenty starch.
Kyle: Corn harvest!
Randy: We haven’t told you about it, Stanley, because we, we like to wait until kids are a little older to talk to them about things like condoms and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest.
Stan: All right, enough already! This has all gone on long enough!
Manager: The kid is right. This has gone on too long.
Paparazzo 12: Yeah. She was supposed to have killed herself a long time ago.
Farmer: And harvest is coming soon.
Bob Summers: All right, folks,let’s finish this quickly. [everyone whips out a camera and starts taking pictures, closing in on Britney all the while]
Stan: No wait. [Britney groans. People get close, take pictures, then make way for more people]
Woman 2: Come on, hurry up.
Woman 3: [obese] I can’t run. You go ahead, I’ll catch up with ya. [the barrage of picture-taking continues. The McCormicks come up to take pictures. Britney drops to the ground, sort of pleading to be left alone]
Mother: Here Davey. [hands a camera to her son. The barrage continues, with Randy, Liane, other familiar faces… Britney wilts under the lights and finally lies down completely]
Bob Summers: [throws out his arms] Hold on. [a doctor walks up and checks for vital signs]
Doctor: She’s dead.
Randy: Well, I think it’s time for us to leave the poor girl alone. [everyone turns and goes off in different directions under a windy and thunderous sky. Stan is left alone staring at Britney’s corpse. Kyle is a little further away, but he too looks at the corpse]
[Harvest time, dawn. The corn fields are shown, their stalks tall and full of corn. Three men are harvesting corn by hand nearby, and a motorized harvester takes care of corn in the distance]
[The town, late morning. A farmer’s market is up. Two men are shown close-up in a booth stocked with yellow and white corn]
Gil: Mornin’ Bill.
Bill: Mornin’ Gil.
Gil: [inspecting some yellow corn] Nice-lookin’ corn.
[South Park Market, day. Randy and Sharon check out the corn. Sheila passes.]
Sheila: Hey Sharon, Randy, great harvest, huh? [begins to check out the corn as well. Sharon puts some corn into her shopping cart]
Randy: An incredible harvest. Some of the best corn I’ve seen in years.
ET Reporter: [on TV screens throughout the store] She’s the daughter of a country singer, and the young girl has really taken the country by storm. Hannah Montana’s Miley Cyrus, though only fifteen years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar.
Jimbo: [near the beginning of the report] Hey, check it out! [the report ends and ominous music begins]
Randy: [glued to the screen] Looks like next harvest will be even better. [begins to chant. The other shoppers join in, then Sheila, and finally, Stan and Kyle. The image of the ET reporter and Miley stays onscreen]
[End of Britney’s New Look]

T A C O S

L E C H E  F L A N

S O N Y  W  A L K M A N  M P 3

Tough. Been using mine for more than three years. A really tough cookie in one tiny package.

O N E  H U N D R E D  Y E A R S  O F  S O L I T U D E

He [Aureliano II ] had already understood that he would never leave that room, for it was foreseen that the city of mirrors (or mirages) would be wiped out by the wind and exiled from the memory of men at the precise moment when Aureliano Babilonia would finish deciphering the parchments, and that everything written on them was unrepeatable since time immemorial and forever more, because races condemned to one hundred years of solitude did not have a second opportunity on earth.

H O W  I  M E T  Y O U R  M O T H E R

Pilot

by

Carter Bays

&

Craig Thomas

Writers’ 2nd Draft

1-28-05

ACT ONE *

*

INT. 2029 LIVING ROOM – EVENING *

(NARRATOR, DAUGHTER, SON) *

A WARM LOOKING COUCH IN A FAMILY ROOM, IN SOME SUBURBAN HOME. *

A FIRE CRACKLES IN THE FIREPLACE. TWO TEENAGERS — A 14-YEAR *

OLD SON AND A 16-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER — SIT ON THE COUCH. THEY *

LOOK AT THE CAMERA, AND LISTEN TO THE NARRATOR. *

*

NARRATOR (O.S.) *

*

Okay. You guys are old enough. I’m *

gonna tell you the story of how I met *

your mother. *

DAUGHTER *

*

Heard it. *

SON *

You told us already. *

NARRATOR (O.S.) *

Sure, you’ve heard the short version. *

But there’s a bigger story, and it’s *

important for you to hear it. *

SON *

*

Are we being punished for something? *

NARRATOR (O.S.) *

No. *

DAUGHTER *

*

Is this gonna take awhile? *

NARRATOR (O.S.) *

Yes. Once upon a time, before I was *

“Dad,” I had this whole other life. *

*

2.

SERIES OF PHOTOS OF 27-YEAR-OLD TED, HANDSOME AND OPTIMISTIC: *

TED HANGING OUT AT A BAR, TED ON A CONSTRUCTION SITE HOLDING *

BLUEPRINTS, TED IN CENTRAL PARK, TED IN HIS APARTMENT WITH *

MARSHALL, HIS BOYISH, MIDWESTERN BEST FRIEND. *

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D) *

It was way back in 2005. I was single, *

I had a full head of hair, my career *

as an architect was taking off, and I *

lived in New York City with Marshall, *

my best friend from college. Life was *

good, until one brisk October night, *

when Uncle Marshall screwed the whole *

thing up. *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

(MARSHALL, TED, NARRATOR) *

A 20-SOMETHING BACHELOR APARTMENT THAT, TONIGHT, HAS BEEN *

SPRUCED UP A BIT. MARSHALL, ON BENDED KNEE, NERVOUSLY *

PRESENTS TED WITH A DIAMOND RING. *

MARSHALL *

Will you marry me? *

TED *

Perfect! And then she says yes, you’re *

engaged, you pop the champagne, drink *

a toast, have sex on the kitchen *

floor. (BEAT, THINKS) Don’t have sex *

on our kitchen floor. *

MARSHALL *

Got it. Geez, I’m so nervous. My *

stomach’s going crazy. *

3.

(MORE)

TED *

It’s not cancer. *

MARSHALL *

Who said cancer? *

TED *

You were about to. *

MARSHALL *

It could be cancer! I’ve got all these *

symptoms, I’ve been peeing like crazy, *

my mouth is dry, she’s gonna say no! *

TED *

All right, c’mere, bring it in. *

TED GIVES HIM A HUG. *

MARSHALL *

Thanks for helping me plan this out, *

Ted. *

TED *

Dude, it’s you and Lily! I’ve been *

there for all the big moments of you *

and Lily. The night you met, your *

first date…other first things. *

MARSHALL *

I’m sorry. We thought you were asleep. *

TED *

It’s physics, Marshall. If the bottom *

bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. *

4.

TED(CONT’D)

But that was nine years ago, the *

nightmares have almost stopped. (BEAT) *

And you’re getting engaged. Tonight. *

MARSHALL *

Yeah. What are you doing tonight? *

TED THINKS. FREEZE FRAME. *

NARRATOR *

What was I doing? Here Uncle Marshall *

was taking the biggest step of his *

life, and me? I’m calling up this guy. *

CUT TO: *

INT. BARNEY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

(BARNEY, NARRATOR, TED) *

SPLIT-SCREEN BETWEEN TED AND BARNEY (32, DEVILISH, LIVES ON *

STEAKS AND CIGARS). BARNEY’S CELL PHONE RINGS. HE SEES WHO IT *

IS, AND ANSWERS. *

BARNEY *

Hey, so you know how I’ve always had a *

thing for half-Asian girls? *

FREEZE FRAME ON BARNEY. *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

Your Uncle Barney. *

UNFREEZE. *

BARNEY *

Well, I have a new favorite: Lebanese *

girls. Lebanese girls are the new half- *

Asians. *

5.

TED *

I don’t even know what a Lebanese girl *

looks like. *

BARNEY *

Trust me. They’re Leba-licious. *

TED *

Listen, Marshall’s getting engaged *

here tonight. You wanna– *

BARNEY *

(SNAPPING INTO ACTION) Meet me at the *

bar in fifteen. And suit up! *

TED *

No, no “suit up.” *

BARNEY *

Suit up or I’m not coming. *

TED *

(BEAT) Fine, I’ll suit up. *

INT. BAR – NIGHT *

(BARNEY, TED, YASMIN, NARRATOR) *

A NON-TRENDY CLASSIC NEW YORK NEIGHBORHOOD BAR, CURRENTLY *

POPULATED BY A SMALL WEDNESDAY-AFTER-WORK CROWD. TED APPEARS *

IN A LONG SLEEVE T-SHIRT AND CASUAL SLACKS. BARNEY GLARES. *

BARNEY *

Where’s your suit? We said suit up! I *

show up looking awesome and you show *

up in your pajamas? Fine. I’m *

Superman, you’re Clark Kent. *

6.

TED *

Wait, doesn’t Clark Kent always wear a *

suit? And doesn’t Superman kinda wear *

pajamas? *

BARNEY *

(IN A FEMALE VOICE) “Ooh, Michelle,

check out those two guys over at the

bar arguing about Superman. God, that

gets me hot!” (AS HIMSELF) Come on,

Ted. Pull yourself together.

TED *

You know what’s weird? I just spent *

all day planning this romantic *

marriage proposal…and it’s for *

someone else. *

BARNEY *

Oh, I see. Marshall gets engaged, and *

all of a sudden your ovaries are *

shrinking. Have you forgotten what I *

said to you the night we met? We were *

sitting right over there… *

WE STYLISHLY WHIP-PAN TO A BOOTH WHERE, MAGICALLY, A YOUNGER *

BARNEY SITS NEXT TO A YOUNGER TED, WHO HAS A GOATEE. BARNEY *

PUTS HIS ARM AROUND TED. *

TITLE: FOUR YEARS EARLIER… *

7.

BARNEY (CONT’D) *

Ted, I’m gonna teach you how to live. *

(OFF TED’S CONFUSION) Barney. We met *

at the urinal. *

TED *

Oh, right. Hi. *

BARNEY *

Lesson one, lose the goatee. Lesson *

two, never wear jeans to a strip club. *

You want a fabric that’s light and *

roomy. *

TED *

Why? (BEAT, REALIZING) Oh. *

BARNEY *

Lesson three: don’t even think about *

getting married till you’re 30. *

WHIP-PAN BACK TO PRESENT-DAY BARNEY AND TED AT THE BAR. *

TED *

I’m not thinking about it. Just ‘cuz *

my best friend’s getting married *

doesn’t mean I have to. *

BARNEY *

I thought I’m your best friend. (BEAT) *

Ted, say I’m your best friend. *

TED *

You’re my best friend, Barney. *

8.

BARNEY *

Good. Then as your best friend, I *

suggest we play a little game I call, *

“Have Ya Met Ted?” *

TED *

What? No, we’re not playing “Have Ya *

Met Ted.” *

TOO LATE. BARNEY TAPS AN EXOTIC, SEXY GIRL ON THE SHOULDER. *

BARNEY *

Hi. Have ya met Ted? *

BARNEY WALKS AWAY, LEAVING TED ALONE WITH THE GIRL. AWKWARD *

BEAT. TED SMILES, STICKS OUT HIS HAND. *

TED *

Hi, I’m Ted. *

YASMIN *

Yasmin. *

TED *

That’s a very pretty name. *

YASMIN *

It’s Lebanese. *

FREEZE FRAME ON TED’S LOOK OF SURPRISE. *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

Your Uncle Barney was right from time *

to time. *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(MARSHALL, LILY)

THE TABLE’S SET, AND COOKING IS UNDERWAY. MARSHALL’S TRYING *

TO LIGHT MANY CANDLES WITH ONE DWINDLING MATCH. *

9.

MARSHALL

Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow ow! *

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS. LILY (EARTHY, STRONG, MATERNAL) ENTERS.

LILY

I’ve had a long day, my eyes could be *

playing tricks on me – but it almost *

looks like you’re cooking. *

MARSHALL *

I am. You’ve been taking care of hyper- *

active kindergartners all day. So now *

I’m taking care of you. *

LILY *

Oh, you’re the best. It was finger- *

painting day. *

SHE OPENS HER COAT TO REVEAL A NICE BLOUSE COVERED IN FINGER- *

PAINT. THERE IS A CLEAR HANDPRINT ON HER BREAST. *

MARSHALL *

Did someone touch your boob? *

LILY *

Justin Stangel. He’s a very advanced *

little boy. (THEN) I could really use *

a shower. *

MARSHALL

You go ahead. I’ll propose the feast *

(CATCHING HIMSELF) prepare the feast. *

LILY HEADS FOR THE BATHROOM. MARSHALL LOOKS AT A RECIPE.

10.

MARSHALL (CONT’D)

Hey, sweetie? If the recipe says

cinnamon and we don’t have cinnamon,

can I use nutmeg?

LILY

Sure, I guess.

MARSHALL

Sweetie, where’s the nutmeg?

LILY

On the spice-rack. *

LILY ALMOST MAKES IT TO THE BATHROOM THIS TIME, BUT THEN…

MARSHALL

Where’s the spice-rack? *

LILY

Over the oven!

MARSHALL

Oh, here it is. Oh, hey, we do have

cinnamon! (BEAT) Wait, it’s cinnamon

sticks. Can you eat these? (WITH A *

MOUTHFUL) Oh, no, no you cannot. *

Sweetie?!

LILY PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

(TED, YASMIN) *

TED SITS AT A TABLE, FLIRTING WITH YASMIN. *

11.

TED

Here’s how it breaks down: I’m 27 now. *

I’ll make partner at my architecture *

firm by 30, so that’s when I’ll start *

looking. It’ll take two years to meet

her, that’s 32. We date for a year, *

and at 33, I propose. Then you need a

year to book a room and a decent band. *

That puts me married at 34. So, yeah, *

marriage is the furthest thing from my *

mind right now. *

YASMIN *

Really? Because it’s all you’ve talked *

about for the past ten minutes. *

TED *

That’s not true. I also mentioned I’m *

a successful architect. You caught *

that, right? *

YASMIN *

(LAUGHS) Yes. But I don’t think you *

can design your life like it’s some *

building. What if you meet a girl who *

wants to start a family right away? *

You haven’t planned when you’re going *

to have kids, have you? *

12.

TED *

One when I’m 36, one when I’m 39. Two *

boys. *

INT. 2029 LIVING ROOM – EVENING *

(DAUGHTER, NARRATOR) *

DAUGHTER *

Hey! *

NARRATOR (O.S.) *

Oh, honey, I’m very glad we had you. *

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

(MARSHALL, LILY)

LILY, FRUSTRATED, COOKS FRANTICALLY OVER THE STOVE, WHILE

MARSHALL HOVERS NEARBY, NOT COOKING. *

MARSHALL

This is great. Cooking together, as a

couple.

LILY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.

MARSHALL (CONT’D)

Ooh! Almost forgot!

HE OPENS THE FRIDGE, GRABS A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

LILY *

Oh, honey, champagne! *

A BEAT. MARSHALL HOLDS OUT THE BOTTLE, EXPECTANTLY. *

LILY (CONT’D) *

No. Uh-uh. I’m standing here, cooking

your romantic dinner for me, no,

you’re opening that bottle yourself.

A BEAT. HE GIVES HER THE PUPPY DOG EYES.

13.

LILY (CONT’D)

Marshall, you’re too old to be scared

to open a champagne bottle.

MARSHALL

I’m not scared.

LILY

Then open it!

MARSHALL

Fine. (A BEAT) Please open it. *

LILY

Dammit, Marshall!

THEY CONTINUE ARGUING.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

(NARRATOR, MARSHALL, TED)

WE GO TO A SPLIT SCREEN. AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN, MARSHALL

AND LILY CONTINUE ARGUING. AT THE BOTTOM, TED KEEPS ON

FLIRTING WITH YASMIN.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

In life, there are two big, gutsy *

questions a man has to ask. One’s

usually sweet and romantic, and the *

other usually comes half-drunk in some

bar. But they’re equally important. *

MARSHALL WHIPS OUT THE RING.

MARSHALL

Will you marry me?

14.

TED

You wanna go out sometime? *

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

(LILY)

LILY SCREAMS.

LILY

Yes!!!

SHE JUMPS ON MARSHALL. THEY FALL TO THE FLOOR.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR – NIGHT

(YASMIN) *

YASMIN LOOKS AT TED, AND SMILES.

YASMIN

Sorry. The bartender’s my boyfriend. *

A MUSCULAR BARTENDER GLARES AT TED FROM DOWN THE BAR. *

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – A BIT LATER

(MARSHALL, LILY)

THE ROOM LOOKS EMPTY. THEN MARSHALL SITS UP INTO FRAME,

SHIRTLESS, HAIR MUSSED UP, GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT. *

MARSHALL

I promised Ted we wouldn’t do that. *

LILY SITS UP AS WELL, GRINNING.

LILY

Champagne?

MARSHALL *

Allow me, Mademoiselle. *

HE GETS UP, AND PICKS UP THE BOTTLE.

15.

(MORE)

MARSHALL (CONT’D) *

I don’t know why I was so scared of

this. It’s really pretty easy, right?

LILY STARTS TO GET UP, AS MARSHALL FIDDLES WITH THE BOTTLE.

HE ABSENTMINDEDLY AIMS IT AT LILY. POP!

LILY (O.S.)

OWWW!!!

INT. BAR – NIGHT

(BARNEY, TED, NARRATOR)

TED AND BARNEY SIT AT THE BAR DRINKING.

BARNEY

What are you thinking, hitting on the *

bartender’s girlfriend?! *

TED

I bet Marshall and Lily’ll start *

having kids soon. *

BARNEY *

Oh God, we’re back on this… *

TED *

I always figured our kids would play *

together. But now Marshall’s pulling *

ahead. My kids’ll be playing Candyland *

while Marshall junior’s out on the *

porch sneaking cigarettes. *

BARNEY

Okay, lesson number — God, what are *

we up to? 749 or 750. We’ll round up. *

16.

BARNEY(CONT’D)

Lesson 750: Shut up! You’re too young *

to get married! *

TED *

Six days older than Marshall. *

BARNEY *

Marshall’s from Minnesota. 27-yearolds

in Minnesota have grandkids. In

New York, there’s a bar on every

corner. In New York, you’re too young.

TED

You’re right. And there’s one other *

big difference between me and *

Marshall: he’s found the love of his *

life. Even if I was ready, it’s like, *

okay, I’m ready! Where is she? *

HE PRETENDS TO LOOK AROUND…BUT THEN ACTUALLY SEES SOMETHING *

THAT STOPS HIM COLD. *

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And there she was.

WE SEE WHO HE’S LOOKING AT: STANDING BETWEEN TWO OF HER

FRIENDS, ROBIN SCHERBATSKY LOOKS BACK AT TED.

END ACT ONE

17.

ACT TWO

INT. BAR – NIGHT *

TED LOOKS AT ROBIN (28, BEAUTIFUL, SOPHISTICATED). THEY MAKE *

EYE CONTACT.

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

It was like something from an old

movie, where the sailor sees the girl

across the crowded dance floor, and he

turns to his buddy and says, “See that

girl? I’m gonna marry her someday.”

TED

Hey Barney, see that girl?

BARNEY *

Oh yeah, check out that rack! That is *

some Grade-A sweater meat. (LOOKING *

CLOSER) Wait, dude, that girl’s a *

reporter. I’ve seen her on New York *

One. Go say hi. *

TED *

I can’t just go say hi. No, here’s the *

plan: I’ll wait till she goes to the *

bathroom, then strategically place *

myself at the jukebox so that– *

BEHIND TED, ROBIN PASSES BY. BARNEY TAPS HER SHOULDER. *

BARNEY *

(TO ROBIN) Have ya met Ted? *

BARNEY WALKS AWAY, LEAVING TED ALONE WITH HER. *

18.

TED *

Hi, I’m Ted. *

SHE SHAKES HIS HAND.

ROBIN *

(SMILES) So I hear.

INT. CAB – NIGHT *

MARSHALL AND LILY (NOW WITH AN ICE-PACK ON HER EYE) HOP IN. *

MARSHALL *

I’m sorry. Lily, I’m sorry. (TO THE *

CAB DRIVER) Take us to the hospital! *

CAB DRIVER *

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you hit her? *

MARSHALL AND LILY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. A BEAT. THEY CRACK UP. *

LILY *

Please, I’d kick his skinny ass in. *

MARSHALL *

It’s true, she would. *

LILY *

I mean, I love him, we just got *

engaged, but this guy can barely even *

spank me in bed for fun. It’s just *

these tentative little love-pats– *

MARSHALL *

Honey? (RE: CAB DRIVER) Stranger. *

THE CAB DRIVER STARTS DRIVING. A BEAT. *

19.

(MORE)

CAB DRIVER *

Hey, S&M’s not sick. It’s just good, *

clean fun between you and the Missus. *

For my wife’s last birthday, I turned *

our basement into a sex dungeon. (TO *

MARSHALL) Hey, buddy, you should build *

one of those for your fiancee. *

LILY *

Fiancee! Sweetie, that’s the first *

time someone’s said that! *

MARSHALL

(UNCOMFORTABLE) Yeah…

INT. BAR – NIGHT *

TED AND ROBIN CONTINUE CHATTING AT THE BAR. *

ROBIN *

I’m still new, so they never let me

cover the big stories. I always get

the stupid fluff pieces at the end of *

the news, you know, the monkey who can *

play the ukulele.

TED

A monkey can play the ukulele? That’s *

a big story! First they figure out the *

ukulele, then our computers, our

weaponry.

20.

TED(CONT’D)

Pretty soon the Statue of Liberty’s

half buried on some beach, and people

are saying, “Why didn’t we see this *

coming?!” Why? Because you didn’t *

watch the stupid fluff piece at the *

end of the news. *

ROBIN LAUGHS. OVER AT HER TABLE, HER FRIENDS GLARE AT THEM. *

TED (CONT’D) *

Your friends don’t seem too happy. *

ROBIN

That’s ‘cuz I’m here talking to a

Daniel.

TED

Actually it’s Ted. Have ya met Ted?

ROBIN

No, see, the one in the middle just *

got dumped by this jerk, Daniel. And *

so tonight, every guy is a Daniel. *

TED *

You know, if it’ll make your friend *

feel better, you could throw a drink *

in my face. I don’t mind. *

ROBIN *

That’s an oddly sweet offer. I might *

just take you up on that. Anything I *

can do in return? *

21.

TED *

Have dinner with me Saturday night. *

ROBIN *

Ooh, I can’t, we’re all going to *

Bermuda for a week. We leave Friday. *

ROBIN’S DUMPED FRIEND CALLS OUT. *

DUMPED FRIEND *

Hey, what’s taking so long?! *

TED *

Well, I know it’s a long-shot, but *

tomorrow night?

ROBIN *

(BEAT) What the hell. *

ROBIN SUBTLY WRITES HER NUMBER DOWN AND HANDS IT TO TED. THEN *

SHE FLAMBOYANTLY THROWS HER DRINK IN HIS FACE. *

ROBIN (CONT’D) *

(LOUD) Jerk! (SOTTO) See you tomorrow. *

ROBIN STRUTS OVER TO HER FRIENDS. THE DUMPED FRIEND HIGH- *

FIVES HER TRIUMPHANTLY. TED WALKS OVER TO BARNEY, WHO HOLDS *

OUT A NAPKIN AND CHUCKLES. *

BARNEY *

Stuffed! *

TED *

We’re going out tomorrow night. *

BARNEY *

Hey, I thought we were gonna go play *

Laser Tag tomorrow night! *

22.

TED *

(BEAT) Yeah, I was never gonna go play *

laser tag. *

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT *

(NARRATOR, ROBIN, TED) *

TED AND ROBIN SIT AT THE TABLE. ON THE WALL ABOVE THEM IS A *

FRENCH HORN THAT HAS BEEN PAINTED BLUE AND MOUNTED. *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

So the next night, I took her out to *

dinner at this cute little bistro, *

where we sat under a blue French horn. *

ROBIN *

That is a bad-ass blue French horn. I *

gotta get something like that to hang *

over my fireplace. *

TED *

You know, I came here once with my *

friend Barney and he said something *

about that blue French horn, and as a *

result, I couldn’t enjoy my meal. *

ROBIN *

What did he say? *

TED *

He said it’s probably what a Smurf *

penis would look like. *

FREEZE FRAME ON TED. *

23.

(MORE)

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

Son, a piece of advice. When you go on *

a first date with a girl, you don’t *

want to say “Smurf penis.” Girls don’t *

ordinarily like that. *

UNFREEZE. ROBIN CRACKS UP. TED LAUGHS TOO. *

ROBIN *

That’s one lucky Smurf. *

NARRATOR (V.O.) *

But this was no ordinary girl. *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – THE NEXT EVENING *

(LILY, MARSHALL, TED) *

LILY — WHO NOW WEARS AN EYE PATCH — READS A WEDDING *

MAGAZINE ON THE COUCH WHILE MARSHALL’S ON THE INTERNET. *

LILY *

What kind of wedding cake would you *

prefer: Chocolate Layer or Tahitian *

Vanilla? *

MARSHALL *

(RE: SCREEN) I have diabetes! *

LILY *

So…something sugar free? *

MARSHALL *

Listen to this: “Diabetes. Symptoms *

include: Nausea.” Check. “Dry mouth.” *

Got it. “Increased urination.” Like a *

firehose. *

24.

MARSHALL(CONT’D)

(THEN, CONFUSED) “Loss of sheen on *

coat. Less playful, doesn’t want to go *

on walks.” *

LILY GOES OVER TO THE COMPUTER, CHECKS OUT THE SCREEN. *

LILY *

This is a canine medical website. *

MARSHALL *

But I have all the symptoms. I never *

go on walks anymore!

LILY *

You don’t have doggie diabetes. *

MARSHALL *

Yeah, you’re right. *

LILY *

Marshall, every time we disagree on *

something, you say “Yeah, you’re *

right.” You’re in law school. How are *

you ever gonna win a case if your only *

argument is “Yeah, you’re right”? *

MARSHALL *

Okay. I do have doggie diabetes. *

LILY *

No you don’t. *

MARSHALL *

Yeah, you’re right. *

LILY *

Dammit, Marshall! *

25.

TED ENTERS, SEES LILY’S NEW EYE PATCH. *

TED *

I’m sorry, am I interrupting an (LIKE *

A PIRATE) Arrrr-gument? *

LILY *

Oh, that’s clever. ‘Cuz I’m a pirate. *

MARSHALL *

Hey, how was your big date? *

TED *

Mom, Dad, I’ve met the future Mrs. Ted *

Mosby. She’s perfect. Marshall, how *

have I always described my perfect *

woman? *

MARSHALL *

She loves dogs? *

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT *

(ROBIN, TED) *

ROBIN *

I’ve got five dogs. *

TED *

Five dogs! *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

(LILY, TED, MARSHALL) *

TED IS RECOUNTING THE STORY TO MARSHALL AND LILY. *

LILY *

Five dogs! *

TED *

That’s an easy one. Dig deeper. *

26.

MARSHALL *

She drinks scotch? *

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT *

(ROBIN) *

ROBIN SIPS A GLASS OF SCOTCH. *

ROBIN *

Ahhh. I love a Scotch that’s old *

enough to order its own Scotch. *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

(MARSHALL) *

MARSHALL *

Can quote obscure lines from *

Ghostbusters? *

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT *

(ROBIN) *

ROBIN *

“Ray, when someone asks you if you’re *

a god, you say yes!” *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

(LILY, TED) *

LILY *

Wow, Ted, did you, like, go back to *

the eighties and hire some nerds to *

build this girl with their computer? *

TED *

I’m saving the best for last. *

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT *

(ROBIN) *

ROBIN PICKS THE OLIVES OUT OF HER SALAD. SHE LOOKS UP AT TED. *

27.

ROBIN *

Do you want these? I hate olives. *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

(LILY, MARSHALL) *

MARSHALL AND LILY ARE FLOORED BY THIS. *

LILY *

She hates olives! That’s great! *

MARSHALL *

The olive theory! *

INT. 2029 LIVING ROOM – EVENING

(SON)

THE KIDS LOOK CONFUSED.

SON

What’s the olive theory?

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT *

(TED, ROBIN)

TED IS NOW EATING THE OLIVES. *

TED *

People either love olives or they hate *

‘em, right? Very few undecideds out *

there. So here’s the spooky thing I’ve *

observed: in every great relationship, *

there’s an olive lover and an olive *

hater. It’s like positive and negative *

ions. Perfect symbiosis. *

ROBIN *

Ya know, I’ve had a jar of olives just *

sitting in my fridge forever. *

28.

TED *

I could take them off your hands. *

ROBIN *

(FLIRTATIOUS) They’re all yours. *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

MARSHALL AND LILY ARE EXCITED BY THIS. *

LILY *

Aw yeahhhh! *

MARSHALL *

(SINGING) When I get that feelin’ / I *

need sexual healin’! *

LILY *

Wait, it’s only 10:45. And you don’t *

look sexually healed. What happened? *

TED *

Well, I had the whole thing planned *

out. Dinner, a romantic walk back to *

her apartment through the park, you *

know, to set up the goodnight kiss… *

EXT. ROBIN’S BROWNSTONE – NIGHT *

TED AND ROBIN WALK UP TO HER DOOR, THE BASEMENT APARTMENT. *

ROBIN *

I gotta get me one of those blue *

French horns. It’s gotta be blue and *

it’s gotta be a French horn. *

TED *

No green clarinet, no purple tuba… *

29.

ROBIN *

It’s a Smurf penis, or no dice. (BEAT) *

I had a really nice time tonight. *

TED *

Me, too. *

SUDDENLY, A NEWS VAN PULLS UP. A PRODUCER HOPS OUT, URGENT. *

PRODUCER *

There you are! We got a jumper. Some *

crazy guy on the ledge of the *

Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you’re *

covering it. *

ROBIN *

Oh. Okay. Just give me a sec, okay? *

THE PRODUCER GETS BACK IN THE NEWS VAN. ROBIN TURNS TO TED. *

ROBIN (CONT’D) *

I really did have a great time. I’m *

sorry to run off like this.

ROBIN LINGERS FOR A MOMENT. *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

TED FINISHES THE STORY TO MARSHALL AND LILY. *

LILY *

So’d you kiss her? *

TED *

Nah. *

LILY *

Why not?! *

30.

TED *

There was a news crew, a guy’s gonna *

jump off a bridge…Look, this girl *

could actually be my future wife. I *

want our first kiss to be amazing. *

LILY *

Aw, Ted, that’s so sweet. (BEAT) So *

you chickened out. *

TED *

I didn’t chicken out! Kissing a girl *

for the first time is a delicate *

thing. I didn’t even get the signal. *

LILY *

There’s a signal? *

TED *

Yeah, it’s like this exciting *

radiation she gives off. And if you *

don’t feel it, you don’t kiss her. You *

wouldn’t understand. You haven’t been *

single since The Macarena. *

LILY *

Ted, even the dumbest single person *

alive would say you should have kissed *

her. (BEAT) And if you don’t believe *

me, call him. *

INT. LASER TAG ARENA – NIGHT *

(BARNEY, TED) *

31.

BARNEY, IN A LASER TAG VEST AND HELMET, IS IN THE MIDST OF A *

LASER TAG BATTLE. HE STOPS TO ANSWER HIS PHONE. SPLIT-SCREEN *

BETWEEN BARNEY AND TED ON THE PHONE. *

BARNEY *

Hey, loser. How’s not playing Laser *

Tag? Because playing Laser Tag is *

awesome. *

TED *

Listen, I need your opinion– *

BARNEY *

Meet me at the bar in fifteen! And *

suit up! *

BARNEY HANGS UP ON TED. *

INT. BAR – NIGHT *

MARSHALL, LILY (STILL WEARING EYEPATCH), BARNEY (NOW IN A *

SUIT) AND TED (NOT IN A SUIT) LISTEN TO THE END OF THE STORY. *

TED *

So…what do you think? *

BARNEY *

I can’t believe you’re still not *

wearing a suit! *

TED *

Will you please tell Long Jane Silver *

here I didn’t chicken out? *

BARNEY *

Lily…he totally chickened out. *

32.

TED *

No! Dude, you’re not listening, I *

didn’t get the signal. *

BARNEY *

Oh please. “The signal.” Like that’s *

even a thing. What, is she gonna bat *

her eyes in Morse code? (BLINKING) *

“Ted…I like you…kiss me…” No! *

You just kiss her! *

TED *

You can’t kiss her if you don’t get *

the signal! *

BARNEY GRABS MARSHALL BY THE ARMS AND KISSES HIM ON THE LIPS. *

MARSHALL *

Dude! *

BARNEY *

Did Marshall give me “the signal?” *

MARSHALL *

(SPITTING) No. And you need to shave. *

BARNEY *

But see, at least I’ll get to sleep *

tonight knowing, Marshall and me? *

Never gonna happen. You should’ve *

kissed her. *

BEAT AS TED LETS ALL THIS SINK IN. *

33.

TED *

I should’ve kissed her. Well, I guess *

I’ll just…see her when she gets back *

from Bermuda. *

BARNEY *

Bermuda? Yeah, she’s gonna hook up in *

Bermuda. You’re never gonna see her *

again. So I suggest we play a little *

game I call– *

MARSHALL *

Hey look, she’s on TV! *

LILY

Ooh, she’s cute! Cheryl, turn it up. *

THE BARTENDER TURNS UP THE VOLUME. ANGLE ON TV: ROBIN, NOW *

MADE UP AND IN A DIFFERENT OUTFIT, REPORTS WITH THE MANHATTAN *

BRIDGE IN THE BACKGROUND. *

ROBIN *

…at which point, police apprehended *

the man, giving this bizarre story a *

happy ending. For New York One News, *

I’m– *

CHERYL MUTES THE TV. *

MARSHALL *

Huh. The guy didn’t jump. *

SOMEHOW HAUNTED BY THIS, TED STANDS UP. *

TED *

I’m gonna go kiss her goodnight. Right *

now.

34.

BARNEY *

Okay, let’s not do anything crazy. *

TED *

I never do anything crazy! I’m always *

waiting for the moment, planning the *

moment – maybe this is the moment. *

(POINTS TO TV) I gotta do what that *

guy couldn’t. I gotta take the leap. *

(OFF THEIR LOOKS) Okay, it’s not a *

perfect metaphor, ‘cuz for me, it’s *

“fall in love and get married,” and *

for him it’s death. *

BARNEY *

Actually, that is a perfect metaphor. *

(OFF MARSHALL AND LILY’S GLARES) By *

the way, did I congratulate you two? *

TED

So, what do you think?

LILY *

Do it. *

MARSHALL *

Do it. *

ALL EYES TURN TO BARNEY. *

BARNEY *

All right, I’ll sign off on this, but *

under one condition… *

35.

INT. CAB – NIGHT *

THE FOUR OF THEM ARE IN A CAB. TED’S NOW WEARING A SUIT. *

BARNEY *

Look at you in that suit! This totally *

makes up for laser tag! *

TED *

(SEEING SOMETHING) Stop the car! *

THE CAB STOPS, AND TED RUNS OUT. *

MARSHALL *

Where’s he going? *

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT *

THE SAME RESTAURANT FROM THE DATE. A FEW STRAGGLING DINERS *

FINISH THEIR DESSERT. TWO WAITERS TALK. *

WAITER #1 *

So’d that guy end up jumping? *

WAITER #2 *

(DISAPPOINTED) Nah, they never jump. *

TED RUNS IN, GRABS THE FRENCH HORN OFF THE WALL AND RUNS OUT. *

WAITER #1 *

Hey! *

INT. CAB – MOMENTS LATER *

TED DIVES BACK INTO THE CAB WITH THE HORN. *

TED *

Go! Go! Go! (OFF THEIR LOOKS) Flowers *

are so cliche. *

AS THE WAITERS RUN OUT, THE CAB PULLS OFF INTO THE NIGHT. *

END OF ACT TWO *

36.

ACT THREE *

INT. CAB – NIGHT

(NARRATOR, LILY, BARNEY, TED) *

THE CAB PULLS UP IN FRONT OF ROBIN’S BROWNSTONE. TED IS IN

THE FRONT SEAT HOLDING THE FRENCH HORN. BARNEY, MARSHALL, AND

LILY RIDE IN THE BACK.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

So we pulled up in front of her place *

with a stolen blue french horn. *

LILY

…because I love olives and Marshall

hates them. And that’s how Ted came up

with the olive theory. (POKING TED)

Such a romantic.

BARNEY

Yeah. Hey, Ted, if you kiss her, can I

watch? I love it when chicks make out.

TED

Her light’s on. She’s home.

TED GETS OUT OF THE CAB.

LILY

Ted, hang on! So should we wait here? *

What if you, uh… *

BARNEY

Get it on with the TV reporter? *

(CHUCKLING) “This just in.” *

BARNEY LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE. NO ONE ELSE DOES. *

37.

LILY *

(OFF BARNEY, TO TED) Please don’t *

leave us out here all night. *

TED

If it’s going well, I’ll call your *

cellphone and let it ring once. And *

you guys can take off. *

LILY

Kiss her, Ted. Kiss her good.

TED *

Marshall, remember this night. When *

you’re the best man at our wedding, *

and you give a speech…you’re gonna *

tell this story. *

TED WALKS OFF TRIUMPHANTLY. *

BARNEY

Why does he get to be the best man?! *

I’m your best friend! *

EXT. ROBIN’S BROWNSTONE – NIGHT

HE APPROACHES HER DOOR.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

With each step, a million thoughts

raced through my mind. Unfortunately,

there was one distinct thought that

didn’t.

FLASH TO:

38.

INT. RESTAURANT – EARLIER THAT NIGHT

(ROBIN)

A SNIPPET FROM TED AND ROBIN’S DINNER CONVERSATION.

ROBIN

I have five dogs.

FLASH TO:

EXT. ROBIN’S BROWNSTONE – WHERE WE LEFT OFF

(TED, BARNEY, ROBIN)

TED RINGS THE DOORBELL. IMMEDIATELY, FIVE DOGS BEGIN BARKING

UPROARIOUSLY. TED FREAKS OUT. LIGHTS START GOING ON IN OTHER

APARTMENTS. TED HEADS BACK TOWARD THE CAB.

TED

Crap. Crap crap crap.

BARNEY LEANS OUT THE WINDOW OF THE CAB

BARNEY

No! Be a man! You’re wearing a suit!

NODDING, TED RETURNS TO ROBIN’S DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS,

REVEALING ROBIN IN HER PAJAMAS.

TED

Hi. I was just, uh… *

HE HOLDS UP THE FRENCH HORN. SHE LOOKS AT IT, AND LOOKS AT

HIM. WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE:

ROBIN

Come on in.

TED GOES INSIDE.

INT. CAB – NIGHT

(BARNEY, RANJIT, LILY, MARSHALL) *

THEY WATCH HIM GO IN. BARNEY LOOKS AT THE NAMETAG OF THE CAB *

DRIVER. IT READS “RANJIT SINGH.”

BARNEY

Hey, Ranjit. Where you from? Lebanon? *

39.

RANJIT

Bangladesh.

BARNEY

That’s too bad. Lebanese girls,

Ranjit. Lebanese girls.

LILY *

Okay, I already can’t take this *

anymore. I’m gonna go see if that *

bodega has a bathroom, I gotta pee. *

LILY GETS OUT. *

MARSHALL *

Should I come with you? *

LILY *

Do you have to pee? *

MARSHALL *

No. *

LILY *

Then stay. (AS IF TO A DOG) Stay. *

SHE EXITS. *

INT. ROBIN’S BROWNSTONE – NIGHT

(TED, ROBIN)

THE APARTMENT IS STYLISH AND NEAT, EXCEPT FOR FIVE DOGS THAT

WANDER ABOUT. ROBIN HANGS THE FRENCH HORN OVER THE FIREPLACE, *

THEN STEPS BACK NEXT TO TED TO ASSESS IT. *

TED

That looks…just terrible.

40.

ROBIN

Heinous. So, Ted, what brings you to *

Brooklyn at one in the morning with a *

blue French horn? *

TED

Well, you know, our night ended so *

abruptly. And ever since I’ve been *

kicking myself, because I really *

wanted to…get those olives from you. *

ROBIN

(SMILES) Would you like those olives *

with some gin and vermouth?

TED

Some would call that a martini. *

SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. *

TED (CONT’D) *

This is good, this is good… *

HE WHIPS OUT HIS PHONE AND STARTS TO DIAL. *

ROBIN (O.S.)

One drink, then I’m kicking you out.

HE PUTS THE PHONE AWAY.

ROBIN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Although the subway may be closed.

HE WHIPS OUT THE PHONE AGAIN.

ROBIN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

But there’s a car service that runs *

all night.

41.

TED TURNS TO ONE OF ROBIN’S DOGS, A DACHSHUND.

TED

Is she always this confusing?

ROBIN RETURNS WITH THE MARTINIS, TURNS ON THE STEREO, AND *

STARTS SWAYING BACK AND FORTH SEDUCTIVELY.

ROBIN

You wanna dance?

TED

One second.

TED STARTS TO DIAL HIS PHONE. ROBIN TAKES IT, TOSSES IT.

TED (CONT’D)

Eh, it can wait. *

THEY START SLOW-DANCING. *

INT. 2029 LIVING ROOM – EVENING

(DAUGHTER, NARRATOR)

THE KIDS CRINGE.

DAUGHTER

Oh God, is this leading up to you *

having sex? *

NARRATOR

Just bear with me, okay?

INT. CAB – NIGHT

(BARNEY, MARSHALL) *

IT’S JUST MARSHALL AND BARNEY NOW. A BEAT.

BARNEY

So Marshall. Ya hate olives. Lily

loves ‘em…but you can’t stand ‘em.

42.

MARSHALL

Yeah, I’ve never cared for olives.

BARNEY

That’s interesting. Two weeks ago, at

that Spanish restaurant, I seem to *

recall a little dish of olives. And I *

also seem to recall…you had some. *

MARSHALL

Did I?

BARNEY

Cut the crap, Marshall! You like

olives.

MARSHALL MAKES SURE LILY’S GONE, THEN TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

MARSHALL

On our second date, Lily and I went to

this Greek restaurant, and I had a

salad. She started taking my olives,

‘cuz she loves olives, and she asked

if I minded, and I said, “No, I hate *

olives.” Then based on that, Ted came *

up with his whole olive theory, so I *

played along. For nine years. *

BARNEY

Marshall, I’m gonna give you an early *

wedding present: don’t get married.

INT. ROBIN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(ROBIN, TED) *

43.

TED AND ROBIN DANCE. IT’S GETTING PRETTY INTIMATE. ROBIN *

NOTICES TED’S GLASS (EMPTY SAVE FOR OLIVES) ON THE TABLE. *

ROBIN

You didn’t eat your olives. Open up. *

ROBIN TAKES AN OLIVE AND FEEDS IT TO TED.

ROBIN (CONT’D)

You know, I think I like your olive *

theory.

TED

I think I like your new French Horn.

ROBIN

I think I like your nose.

TED

I think I’m in love with you.

INT. BAR – LATER THAT NIGHT *

(MARSHALL, LILY AND BARNEY)

TED, HIS TIE UNTIED, BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS. MARSHALL, *

LILY AND BARNEY ARE STUNNED.

MARSHALL, LILY AND BARNEY

What?!

INT. 2029 LIVING ROOM – EVENING

(KIDS)

THE KIDS ARE STUNNED.

KIDS

What?!

INT. ROBIN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(ROBIN, TED)

ROBIN PULLS AWAY FROM TED, STUNNED.

44.

ROBIN

What?!

A BEAT. SHE TURNS OFF THE STEREO. *

TED

Wow.

*

ROBIN *

*

Yeah. *

*

TED *

*

I really said that. *

*

ROBIN *

*

You really did. *

*

TED *

*

Maybe a little too soon for that. *

*

ROBIN *

*

Maybe a wee bit. *

INT. CAB – NIGHT

(BARNEY, RANJIT, MARSHALL, LILY)

MARSHALL AND BARNEY CONTINUE THEIR CONVERSATION.

BARNEY

Ranjit, back me up! He needs to lose

this woman!

RANJIT

I think they seem nice.

BARNEY

Look, you said your stomach’s been

hurting, right? Ya know what that is?

45.

MARSHALL

Canine diabetes?

BARNEY

It’s hunger. You’re hungry, Marshall.

Hungry for experience. Hungry for

something new. Hungry…for olives.

But you’re too scared to do anything

about it.

MARSHALL

Yeah. You’re right. I’m scared. I’m *

scared of everything: cancer,

champagne corks, Katie Couric. But

when I think of spending the rest of

my life with Lily – committing,

forever, no other women – that doesn’t

scare me at all. It’s the best and

least-scary thing I can possibly

imagine. I’m getting married.

REVEAL LILY NOW STANDING BY THE OPEN WINDOW, HAVING HEARD

THIS. SHE LEANS IN TO KISS MARSHALL. HE STOPS HER.

MARSHALL (CONT’D)

(DEEP BREATH) Lily…I like olives.

LILY

(BEAT) We’ll make it work.

SHE KISSES HIM PASSIONATELY.

MARSHALL

There’s something we have to do. *

46.

BARNEY

Ranjit, do not let these two slam in *

your cab. *

MARSHALL

I’ll be right back. (TO LILY) Stay!

MARSHALL RUNS OFF.

INT. ROBIN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(ROBIN, TED) *

TED AND ROBIN SIT ON THE COUCH FOR A BEAT, STUNNED.

*

ROBIN *

*

You were about to kiss me! *

*

TED *

*

I know! *

*

ROBIN *

*

And I was gonna kiss you back. *

Probably drag you into the bedroom. *

You were gonna get some! *

*

TED *

*

Really? ‘Cuz, okay, cards on the *

table: I’m just here for sex. Cheap *

meaningless sex. I’m never even gonna *

call you afterwards. *

*

ROBIN *

*

(SMILES) Now you’re just telling me *

what I want to hear. *

47.

TED

I’m sorry. I’m not always like this.

It’s just, my best friend got engaged *

and I went a little crazy. And then I

meet you, and you’re so amazing…

ROBIN

You’ve only known me one night.

TED

So? And believe me, I’ve abandoned all *

hope, we’re just talking here. But do *

you really think there’s no such thing

as love at first sight?

ROBIN

Not in 2005. And definitely not in New

York. Ted, I like being single. When I *

need stable companionship, I’ve got

five dogs. I don’t need a boyfriend.

TED

God, why do those words make me wanna

be your boyfriend so badly?

ROBIN

(SHRUGS) The universe hates you?

EXT. ROBIN’S BROWNSTONE – NIGHT

(MARSHALL, LILY, COP, BARNEY)

LILY WAITS ON THE STEPS. MARSHALL APPEARS, HOLDING A BOTTLE

OF CHAMPAGNE.

48.

MARSHALL

Champagne! From the rolling hills of

(CHECKING BOTTLE) New Jersey.

LILY

Oh, honey, can we afford that?

MARSHALL

Step aside, little lady, and watch as

I pop this…

HE UNWRAPS THE FOIL. IT’S A TWIST-OFF.

MARSHALL (CONT’D)

Twist-off cap. Hmm. Kinda takes the *

danger out of it. *

LILY

Wait. (COVERS HER EYES) Okay, do it. *

MARSHALL UNSCREWS THE CAP.

*

MARSHALL *

*

Pop. It’s open. *

LILY

(UNCOVERS EYES) I love you, sweetie. *

HE POURS TWO GLASSES.

MARSHALL

I love you too.

MARSHALL AND LILY TRY TO IGNORE IT. THEY’RE JUST ABOUT TO

CLINK GLASSES WHEN A COP APPEARS.

COP

Good evening. Wanna take that inside?

49.

LILY

Oh. We don’t live here.

MARSHALL

See, we just got engaged–

COP

Congratulations. You can’t drink on

the sidewalk. Either dispose of the

bottle, or go inside.

ANGLE ON BARNEY IN THE CAB.

BARNEY

Okay, Ranjit, time to go. *

THE CAB PULLS OFF.

LILY

Son of a bitch!

MARSHALL

Look, we just got engaged. We’re *

having this toast. Officer. Although *

you’re still a hero, and we appreciate

everything you’ve done for this city.

COP

(RE: LILY’S EYE) Did he hit you?

LILY

Ha!

COP

Give me the bottle, sir.

LILY

Give him the bottle, Marshall.

50.

MARSHALL

No!

COP

You’re saying no to me?

LILY

I can’t believe he’s saying no to me.

MARSHALL

See? I can be assertive. I’m gonna be *

a great lawyer.

COP

You’re gonna need one, asshole!

THE COP GRABS MARSHALL AND CUFFS HIM ROUGHLY. *

*

INT. ROBIN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT *

*

TED AND ROBIN STAND AT THE DOOR, SAYING GOOD NIGHT. *

*

TED *

*

Well, have a great trip. Oh, and when *

you tell this story to your friends, *

could you avoid the word “psycho.” I’d *

prefer “eccentric.” *

*

ROBIN *

*

(LAUGHS) Noted. *

*

TED *

Hey, that guy on the bridge — why’d *

he want to jump, anyway? *

*

ROBIN *

*

He told a first date he loved her. *

Kidding. (BEAT) He was just lonely. *

51.

(MORE)

EXT. ROBIN’S BROWNSTONE – NIGHT *

(NARRATOR)

TED EXITS. NO CAB, NO FRIENDS. HE DIALS HIS CELLPHONE. *

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

(LILY)

LILY SITS AT A DESK, FACING A COP. SHE’S COUNTING OUT TWENTY

DOLLAR BILLS FOR MARSHALL’S BAIL. MARSHALL SITS BEHIND BARS

IN A HOLDING PEN IN THE BACKGROUND.

LILY

(ANSWERING) Tell me you kissed her.

EXT. ROBIN’S BROWNSTONE – NIGHT – MOMENTS LATER

(TED, ROBIN)

TED RINGS THE DOORBELL. THE DOGS BARK AGAIN. ROBIN ANSWERS.

TED

How do I get to the F train?

ROBIN

Two blocks that way, take a right.

TED

Robin, I figured something out *

tonight. I’m sick of being single. I’m *

not cut out for it. It’s like some *

suit that doesn’t quite fit me. But if *

a woman – not you, just some *

hypothetical woman – were to bear with *

me through all this stuff I clearly *

suck at, I think I’d make a damn good *

husband. Because that’s the stuff I’d

be good at. Stuff like being

supportive. And making her laugh. *

52.

TED(CONT’D)

And walking her five hypothetical *

dogs. And being a good father. And *

being a good kisser. *

ROBIN

Everyone thinks they’re a good kisser.

TED

Oh, I’ve got references.

ROBIN

(LAUGHS) I’m sure you do.

TED

Good night, Robin.

TED EXTENDS HIS HAND. ROBIN SHAKES IT.

TED (CONT’D)

And I’m a good handshaker.

ROBIN

That’s a pretty great handshake.

THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER. THE HANDSHAKE LINGERS A BEAT.

INT. BAR – LATER

(TED, MARSHALL, LILY, BARNEY, RANJIT, NARRATOR) *

TED, TIE UNTIED, SITS AT A TABLE, SADLY TELLING HIS STORY. *

*

TED *

And that was it. I’ll probably never *

see her again. *

*

REVEAL THE OTHER THREE, STARING AT TED LIKE HE’S CRAZY. *

TED (CONT’D) *

What?

53.

MARSHALL

That was the signal!

LILY *

*

Definitely! That long, lingering *

handshake? You should’ve kissed her. *

BARNEY

There’s no such thing as the signal.

(BEAT) But yeah, that was the signal. *

REVEAL RANJIT SITTING AT THEIR TABLE.

RANJIT

(NODS) Signal.

TED

No, look, Ranjit, you guys weren’t

there!

LILY

Sorry we disappeared. Oh, that reminds *

me. (TO BARNEY) You’re a douche. *

BARNEY

I’ll make it up to you.

LILY

How could you possibly–

POP! A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE OPENS. LILY DUCKS REFLEXIVELY. THE

BARTENDER HANDS BARNEY AN EXPENSIVE BOTTLE OF DOM.

BARNEY

So you can have your stupid toast.

LILY SMILES, SURPRISED AND TOUCHED. BARNEY STARTS POURING.

54.

TED

That wasn’t the signal.

*

BARNEY *

*

Yeah, Ted, we’re not on you anymore. *

LILY

God, I’m starving. *

TED REACHES INTO HIS POCKET, HANDS HER THE JAR OF OLIVES.

LILY (CONT’D)

Oh, score!

SHE STARTS DEVOURING THE OLIVES. MARSHALL JOINS IN. *

TED

(SHOCKED) You’re eating olives?

BARNEY

Oh, yeah, your olive theory? Load of *

crap. All right, let’s do this. *

HE HANDS EACH OF THEM A GLASS. THEY RAISE THEM.

LILY

To the future.

THEY CLINK AND DRINK. A BEAT.

TED

That was not the signal.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

I asked her about it years later, and

yeah, that was the signal. I could

have kissed her. *

MONTAGE: ROBIN THROWING A DRINK IN TED’S FACE, THE TWO OF

THEM EATING AT THE RESTAURANT, THE TWO OF THEM DANCING.

55.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

But that’s the funny thing about

destiny: it happens whether you plan

it or not. I mean, I thought I’d never

see that girl again. But it turns out *

I was just too close to the puzzle to

see the picture that was forming.

THE LAST SHOT OF THE MONTAGE IS ROBIN AND TED SHAKING HANDS.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Because that, kids, is the true story

of how I met my good friend Robin *

Scherbatsky. You know, Aunt Robin.

INT. 2029 LIVING ROOM – EVENING

(SON AND DAUGHTER, DAUGHTER, NARRATOR)

SON AND DAUGHTER

(DISAPPOINTED) Awwww!

DAUGHTER

I thought this was how you met Mom.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Will you relax? I’m getting to it.

CUT TO BLACK.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Like I said, it’s a long story.

THE END

T H E  P I A N O

THE PIANO LESSON

Screenplay for a film by
JANE CAMPION

Producer
JAN CHAPMAN

Script Editor
BILLY MACKINNON

Maori Dialogue and Translator
SELWYN MURU

(c) copyright:
Jan Chapman Productions Pty Ltd
2 Fairlight Street Leichhart 2040
NSW Australia

4th draft 1991
Developed with the assistance of
The Australian Film Commission

—————————————————————-

Sc 1                                                  Sc 1
ADA (VO – Scs 2 to 7)
The voice you hear is not my
speaking voice, but my mind’s
voice.

I have not spoken since I was
six years old. No one knows
why, not even me. My father
says it is a dark talent and
the day I take it into my head
to stop breathing will be my
last.

Today he married me to a man
I’ve not yet met. Soon my
daughter and I shall join him
in his own country. My husband
said my muteness does not
bother him. He writes and hark
this: God loves dumb creatures,
so why not he!

Were good he had God’s patience
for silence affects everyone in
the end. The strange thing is I
don’t think myself silent, that
is, because of my piano. I
shall miss it on the journey.

MY FAVORITE SCENE

Sc 116EXT     COMPLETE FENCE ON HILLDAY     Sc 116
The fence line seems endless as the tired FLOW4 trudges up yet another
hill but from there, she can see where the fence finishes, half way up
the crest of the next hill and at this point is STEWART, driving in a
new fence post. He is watched by MANA and his friend who squat passing
a pipe between themselves. MANA strums tirelessly on his buttons.

FLORA
Mumma wanted me to give this to
Mr. Baines.

She holds out the cotton covered piano key. STEWART looks up.

I thought maybe it was not a
proper thing to do.

STEWART keeps working, hammering the post into the earth.

Shall I open it?

STEWART
No!!

He stops and takes the key, suspicious and uncomfortable. He slowly
unwraps it and turning it over reads it. Squeezing the key in his
fist, STEWART staggers off in a daze, He returns, picks up his open
pack spilling the nails. Finally he drops the pack and the key) and
leaves with only his axe. FLORA follows confused. The MAORIS waste no
time investigating the booty. MANA presses the piano key repeatedly.

MANA
Knare e Wainta! Kaare e Wajata!
(no sing, no sing)

Sc 117EXT          STEWART’S     DAY     Sc 117
The sky is dark and rain is falling heavily as STEWART strides fast
towards the hut, his axe swinging in his hand. FLORA is far behind
him, her angelwings sodden.

Sc 118INT     STEWART’S HUT     DAY     Sc 118

STEWART bursts into the hut, his wet hair is splattered against his
forehead. his face is white. ADA looks up from her book, moving her
hands from the table. STEWART swings his axe hard. It slices into the
table, splitting a section off her book. ADA pushes her chair back.

STEWART
(exasperated) why? WHY? I
trusted you!

He pulls the axe out of the table and swings it at the piano.

WHY?

ADA runs forward to restrain him, but it sinks deep into the wood. The
struck piano lets ont a strange resonant moan.

I trusted you, do you hear? I
trusted you. I could love you.

He takes her by the wrist.

Why do you do this? Why do you
make me hurt you? Do you bear?
Why have you done it? We could
be happy

STEWART shakes her violently.

You have made me angry. SPEAK!!

Sc 119EXT     STEWART’S HUT & WOODCHOPDAY     Sc 119

He pulls her out of the hut, past the now terrified FLORA.

You shall answer for this.
Speak or not you shall answer for
it!

He drags her out through the mud, towards the wood chop. It is raining
hard.

ADA sees where they are headed and suddenly she is very scared. She
bucks and struggles, but STEWART is infinitely stronger. At the wood
chop she breaks free and crawls away through the woodchips and mud.
But axe in hand he grasps her by the neck of her dregs, then her hair,
and pulls her backwards towards the cutting block. There, he takes her
right hand and holds it in place with his boot, so that only ADA’s
index finger shows, ADA’s head is held twisted between the wood chop
and STEWART’S leg.

STEWART
(anguished) Do you love him? Do
you?! Is it him you love?

ADA blinks rigid with fear. The rain is driving down.

FLORA
No, she says NOOOOOO!!!

The axe falls. ADA’s face buckles in pain. Blood squirts onto FLORA’s
white pinafore, her angel wings are splattered in mud.

FLORA
(Screaming) Mother!!

ADA stands. She looks faint, her finger is pulsing blood, she shakes
her hand then seeing the blood she puts it behind her back shocked.
She watches FLORA, concerned and confused. Uncontrollably her whole
body starts to shake and as if by reflex ADA begins to walk. FLORA
trots parallel to her.

FLORA
Mama!

ADA keeps walking blindly like her being depends on it. Her face is
ashen, her eyes fearful as she walks unseeingly straight into a large
tree stump. She sinks into the mud.

STEWART wraps the finger in a white handkerchief and gives it to FLORA
who backs away from him terrified.

FLORA
(quietly) Mama.

STEWART
Take this to Baines. Tell him
if he ever tries to see her again
I’ll take off another and another
and another!

The figures seem tiny amidst the rain drenched skeleton forest.

S P A G H E T T I  W I T H  M E A T B A L L S

C A  M I G U I N  I S L A N D

This picturesque volcanic island in Northern Mindanao is one place in the Philippines I would like to go back to. White Island is located offshore… while the main island of Camiguin is richly forested and has both natural hot & cold springs, mangroves, all the treasures the sea can offer, and cheerful, warm & honest people.

V A N I L L A  M I L K S H A K E

A  B O U T  A  B O Y

Marcus?

I didn’t know what the answer was.

I didn’t know what “x” equaled.

And I didn’t know how to help my mum.

And then I realized.

There was something she said I could do for her.

-I’m thinking of singing at the school concert. -You? At the rock concert?

I don’t think that would be a very good idea, Marcus.

Will you accompany me?

All I’ve got is a tambourine.

No, I’m sorry. It’s suicide.

I mean, they’ll crucify you.

Mum’s at it again.

-At what? Sorry. -What do you mean, what?

The crying.

She sits in the house all day, crying.

She does it in the mornings, too.

It’s as bad now as it was before the Dead Duck Day.

Marcus, I’m sorry, mate…

…I’m a bit busy at the moment.

You’re busy? Doing what?

-Didn’t you hear me? -I heard you.

-What do you want me to do about it? -I don’t know.

-You could talk to her. -Yeah? And what would I say?

-I don’t know! -Why would she listen to me?

Who am I to her?

-I’m nobody. -You’re not nobody.

-You’re… -Who? Who do you think I am?

Who do you think you are?

You come here uninvited, you disrupt my life, you screw things up.

What do you want from me? This isn’t my problem.

I’m not your family, mate. I’m not. I’m not your uncle.

I’m not your big brother.

We’ve established pretty firmly that I’m not your father, either, am I?

But…

I’ll tell you what I am.

I’m the guy who’s really good at choosing trainers or records, okay?

That’s it. I can’t help you with real things.

I can’t help you with anything that means anything.

You could try.

You’re right.

You can’t help me.

How could you?

You’re a stupid person who watches TV all day…

…and buys things.

You don’t give a shit about anybody, and nobody gives a shit about you!

Mum said my singing brought sunshine and happiness…

…into her life.

So I’d do it, even if it meant mine was over.

Look, Mum.

My life is made up of units of time. Buying CDs: Two units.

Eating lunch: Three units.

Exercising: Two units.

All in all, I had a very full life.

It’s just that it didn’t mean anything.

Look who’s coming round the bend

The fact was there was only one thing that meant something to me:

Marcus. He was the only thing that meant something to me.

And Fiona was the only thing that meant something to him.

And she was about to fall off the edge.

Single parents alone together!

Single parents alone together!

Single parents alone together! All for one and one for all!

-Fiona! -Will, we haven’t seen you for a while.

How’s Ned?

Who? He’s a load of crap. He doesn’t exist.

Yeah, I made him up.

-You made him up? -Yeah.

-To meet women. -You’re sick.

-Fiona, I’ve got to talk to you. -Go ahead.

No, you know, properly talk to you, privately.

No, this is a circle of truth.

Whatever you have to say, you can say it in front of everybody.

Okay. Please don’t try and commit suicide again.

I can’t believe you just said that. That is my private experience.

Yeah, well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? It’s not.

Marcus is worried about you.

I’m worried because he’s worried about you.

Will, I don’t have plans to commit suicide.

You don’t?

Not at the moment, no.

Great. Great!

Good.

You know I’m not attracted to you, right?

What are you on about? No. What are you, nuts?

Right. Wrong word completely.

But that’s something that we should, you know, talk about a bit.

The crying in the morning thing, the depression.

Let’s get that fixed.

That’s what men think, isn’t it? What?

That unless you’ve got the answer, unless you can say:

“I know a bloke in the Essex Road who can fix that,” then there’s no point bothering.

No.

Well, yeah, okay. I would.

I’d love to know the name of the bloke in the Essex Road…

…because I’ve got a feeling I’d be useless.

Will, you’re not useless.

You’re here. And that matters.

Right.

-Now, can we… Do you mind? -What?

-Marcus is singing at the school concert. -Marcus is singing?

-Yeah, singing. -At school?

It’s a pop concert. He’s so excited.

-I want to get there on time. -Wait, wait. What’s he singing?

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life

-What time does this thing start? -What have you got against Marcus singing?

You know the dream where you’re at school without your trousers on and everyone laughs?

-What’s the connection? -That will be Marcus, but for real.

If he sings that song in front of those kids…

…you can just write him off until university.

If he reaches university, ’cause he’s going to get torn to shreds.

You cannot stop someone from expressing themselves.

He’s not expressing himself! He’s expressing you, okay?

Oh, God.

What? Jesus Christ.

You’re right. Will, am I a bad mother?

No, you’re not a bad mother. You’re just a barking lunatic.

No, I am. I am a bad mother.

I’ve let things slide and I haven’t been noticing properly.

He’s a special, very special boy.

And he’s got a special soul, and I’ve wounded it!

Please, just shut up. You’re wounding my soul.

Okay, you park it. What?

Hi.

What are you doing here?

That’s Ali up there.

He’s talented.

Now that was the Def Penalty Kru with Murder Fo’ Life.

Our next big act is Marcus Brewer…

…singing Roberta Flack’s beloved Killing Me Softly.

He’ll be accompanied by Simon Cosgrove on the recorder.

Marcus, I can’t do this.

-That lot’s going to shit all over us. -But you said…

I’m sorry. Here’s your 5 pounds back.

Any moment now.

Come on, Marcus, you wally!

Wait! Wait!

Excuse me. What is going on here?

Nothing. Everything’s under control. I’m just his voice coach.

What are you doing here?

I heard you were about to commit social suicide, so I dropped by.

-My accompanist left! -Brilliant.

-You don’t have to do it. -I can’t do that.

Yeah, you can. Just tell them: Artistic differences.

You can’t work without him. He had a drug problem.

My mum wants me to sing it. It’ll make her happy.

Look, mate, nothing you do can make your mum happy, all right?

Not in the long term. She has to do that for herself.

-Get over here right now! -Just bugger off, will you!

What I’m saying is, the important thing is to make yourself feel happy.

I’ve tried just making myself happy. She’s tried making herself happy.

It doesn’t work. You need other people to make you happy.

But that’s just it.

If other people can make you happy then they can also make you unhappy.

What, you think those people out there are going to make you happy?

Hang on. Wait. Marcus, don’t.

Marcus! Bollocks.

Come on, Britney!

Yeah, give us a song, then.

This is for my mum.

I heard he sang a good song

I heard he had a style

And so I came to see him

to listen for a while

And there he was this young boy

a stranger to my eyes

You’re rubbish, mate!

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly

Who the hell is that?

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

I felt all flushed with fever

embarrassed by the crowd

I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud

I prayed that he would finish

but he just kept right on

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly

Give it a rest.

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words Killing me softly

With his song

He sang as if he knew me

Will.

In all my dark despair

We’re finished.

And then he looked right through me as if I wasn’t there

Will, come on.

Will, we’re finished.

So there I was, killing them softly with my song.

Or rather, being killed. And not that softly, either.

I was singing with my eyes closed.

Was I frightened?

I was petrified.

This was definitely not island living.

Killing me softly

With his song

Thank you, Finsbury.

I’d like to introduce one or two members of the band.

Marcus Brewer on vocals and tambourine.

And that’s about it.

Let’s get off quick. Get off.

Marcus, thank you. For the song.

You were terrific.

-You think so? -Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I think we should celebrate.

Okay.

How about McDonald’s?

-McDonald’s? -Yeah.

Thanks, Mum, but it’s okay.

No, really. I want to go to McDonald’s.

You know, I’m not really hungry.

Come on. Are you telling me you couldn’t murder a Big Mac?

Mum!

Okay, another time.

Any time.

I’ll be around a while, you know.

By the following Christmas things were back to normal.

Before you came…

Every man is an island. And I stand by that.

But clearly, some men are part of island chains.

Below the surface of the ocean they’re actually connected.

So you’re going to marry my mum, then?

Don’t know.

Why?

You think she’s up for it?

-I used to want him to marry my mum. -You serious?

Yeah. But that was when she was depressed and I was desperate.

Thanks, mate. Cheers.

How do you use this blender-thing? You don’t.

I used to think two wasn’t enough. Christ.

Now there were loads of people.

And that was great. Mostly.

Are you two lazy bastards gonna get up and help, or what?

So how do you know Will?

We volunteered together at Amnesty International a couple years ago.

Yeah, that’s right. How is the Burmese situation, Tom? Better?

I mean good?

Yeah, and he called me up out of the blue for Christmas lunch.

So, here I am.

Really?

So, listen, what’s the deal with you and Ellie now?

Is she your girlfriend?

Are you insane?

Where did you get those trainers?

-Why? What’s wrong with them? -Nothing.

What?

By the way, I do think you and Rachel have a shot.

-I mean, if you don’t screw it up. -Thank you.

I’d created a monster.

Or maybe he created me.

I don’t know what Will was so upset about.

All I meant was I don’t think couples are the future.

You need more than that. You need backup.

The way I saw it, Will and I both had backup now.

It’s like that thing he told me Jon Bon Jovi said:

“No man is an island.”

D O N  H E N R I C O ‘S  P I Z Z A

M O U N T  P U L A G

Located in the province of Benguet in the Cordilleras is the majestic mountain called Pulag. Considered to be both holy and enchanted by the locals. Climbing it was physically taxing and challenging… but getting to its peak (in my case, by crawling… too scared to stand – chicken!) was a breathtaking, exhilarating experience I would like to feel again.

H O T  A P P L E  P I E

E M P I R E  O F  T H E  S U N

In 1941, China and Japan had been in undeclared war for four years.

A Japanese army of occupation controlled much of the countryside…

…and many towns and cities.

In Shanghai, thousands of Westerners…

…protected by diplomatic security…

…lived as they had since the British came in the 19th century…

…building in the image of their own country.

Banking houses, hotels, offiices, churches, homes…

…that could be from Liverpool or Surrey.

Their time was running out.

Outside Shanghai, the Japanese dug in and waited. ..

…for Pearl Harbor.

Jamie!

Jamie, off the grass!

Off the grass!

Nice plane finish!

-Which side will win the war? -Ours, of course.

-Oh, that war. -Well, China isn’t our war.

We’re awfully lucky.

-Living here, having everything. -Naughty!

The harder I work, the luckier we get.

I only meant lucky.

Luckier than him.

We’re luckier than most. He’s luckier than some.

Out of the way. Chip across the water.

The Japanese will win. They’ve got better planes and braver pilots.

I may join the Japanese Air Force.

For heaven’s sake!

Father, look! Zero Sen! It’s my plane! Zero Sen!

Amah, I’ll have…

…the buttered biscuits.

Mrs. Graham, she…

…not want you eat before bed.

You have to do what I say.

Backed by reinforcements into Malaya….

….certain to influence Japan against further military action.

As Far East tensions grow, British nationals evacuate…

…for Australia and India.

A steamer left Shanghai yesterday with 450 British on board. ..

…to Hong Kong.

A third of occupied China’s British community…

…estimated at 15,000, has left in recent weeks.

Little hope of progress remains…

…between Roosevelt and the Japanese ambassador.

Singapore revealed that Japanese forces in Indochina…

…have reached the strength of perhaps 50,000.

Hello…

…Ace.

-I was dreaming about God. -What did he say?

Nothing. He was playing tennis.

Perhaps that’s where God is all the time.

It’s why you can’t see him.

I don’t know about God.

Good night, Jamie.

Perhaps he’s our dream…

…and we’re his.

Go to sleep. It’s the Lockwoods’ party tomorrow;

Can I take my glider?

Dream of flying.

Mother…

…if God is above us, does it mean up, like flying?

Good night.

-Mistress, very beautiful. -Thank you, amah. Off we go.

Jamie, behave yourself.

Thank you, Yang.

Right, squeeze up.

Mind the plane. Prop it against the seat.

Right, Yang.

Settle down, Sinbad!

Take the Wang Pu Road. Let’s avoid the crowds.

-See you back on board. -See you, Charlie.

Green apples! Green apples!

No mama. No papa. No whiskey soda.

Slow down. Checkpoint coming up.

God rest ye merry, gentlemen

Hello, darling. Lovely to see you.

-Big kisses. -There he is.

-Leave Shanghai while you can. -They leave us alone.

Lockwood’s invited a Chink.

Sorry, but don’t mind him.

-English humor? -Scottish whiskey.

Are our days numbered?

All our days are numbered. Ours higher than yours.

You’ve been in Shanghai 100 years. It’s only an incident.

The Japanese, four years. Nothing.

Long enough to spoil your harvest and steal what’s left of it.

A million Chinese peasants are trying to enter Shanghai.

The Japanese get hungry too.

We have the guns, the planes, and 500 million fighting back.

-We’ll be here after every war. -Here’s to that.

I hope we’ll be here too.

Always delighted to return hospitality.

-Very good. Utterly convincing. -Thank you.

Zero?

Nakajima. Two machine guns.

I rely on you for keeping up-to-date on the war.

Especially military aviation.

-I hear you resigned from the Scouts. -I’m now an atheist.

-Where are you going? -To see something!

Your boy tells me he’s an atheist.

Always thought he was.

-Chow time. -Thank you.

Enemy aircraft sighted!

He’s on my tail! On my tail!

Stand still, John.

Don’t run.

Come on, Jamie. You’re missing the party.

-I left my plane. -Never mind.

-Don’t look back. -Thanks.

They’re waiting for something to happen.

-They didn’t look angry. -It’s not anger. It’s patience.

-ls it time to close ranks? -Get Mary and the boy out.

Somewhere safe. Singapore?

We’re moving into the hotel.

-Why? -To see how things are going.

I don’t want you two alone in the house.

I didn’t mean it. It was a joke.

Keep away from the window.

Get dressed. Do what Mother tells you. We’re leaving.

I am dressed.

-Am I going to school? -There’s no school today.

We’ll see if Yang can take us home.

Never mind the suitcase. Come on!

-Taxi! Over here! Taxi! -Excuse me!

Good heavens, it’s ridiculous!

-Keep holding my hand! -Stop shoving me! Stop!

-Excuse me! Excuse me! -Yang!

Yang, get us to the waterfront.

Jamie, for God’s sake, sit down!

Jamie, get out of the car. Quickly!

-What will we do? -Get out.

Perhaps there’ll be a boat. Sorry. Max was right.

Don’t push me!

Hold on to them!

Stay together! Hang on to Jamie!

Jamie, don’t let go!

My plane!

Mum?

Mum?

Mum! Mummy!

Go home. I’ll find you there! Go home!

Mummy!

Mother!

Mother!

Father!

What do you think you’re doing?

Where’s my mother and father?

Come on, man! Come on, kid!

Come on!

Wait! Wait!

Come on!

Wait!

Please!

Excuse me, everyone.

I surrender.

I surrender. I surrender. I surrender.

No mama! No papa! No whiskey soda!

American boy?

-American boy? -English.

English?

I’m waiting for my chauffeur.

English boy.

English boy, you come now.

Thank you.

You come now.

-You come now. -No! No!

English boy!

I surrender! I surrender. Please!

Please, sir!

I surrender!

Excuse me, sir. My name is James Graham. I’m British.

I’d like to surrender, please!

Please.

Please, I’m British.

And I’d like to surrender. Please, sir.

Please!

English boy!

I surrender!

Please!

Help me!

Help me! I’m British!

Help me!

-Help me! -Stop running.

Please! No! Please!

Help me! Help me!

Hello.

Kid. Kid, you okay?

Kid, you all right?

I think so.

Where do you live?

13 Amherst Avenue.

I’m waiting for my parents. They’ve been delayed.

Delayed? Some kind of crazy British kid.

What’s your name?

James Graham. I’m writing a book on contract bridge.

Are you with the American fleet?

American fleet? It looks like you almost lost your shirt.

Maybe I’ll help you find your parents;

I know just the man.

Do you know General Winter? My father does.

My father’s met important people. Do you know my father?

He owns a textile mill on Szechwan Road.

Mr. Lockwood? He’s with the British Association.

Perhaps you don’t know anyone.

How about Louis Charles and Michael of the Avenue Foch gang?

Know about psychic bidding? It’s in my book.

Let’s say you need three diamonds.

You just think three diamonds.

Then your partner, when he gets four aces…

…he shouts and you put down the….

You put down your aces and then….

I can’t remember it now.

Probably my parents are on a ship to Hong Kong.

Then they’ll send for me.

My father will give you a reward.

He gave a taxi driver $5 for bringing me home from Hankow.

Have you been to England?

Kid, you’re starting to get on my nerves;

Look what I found under my truck. I’m sorry already.

Well, come in, boy.

I don’t know whether he’s hungry or crazy;

You look like you need to lie down.

My father has a cotton mill at…

…Pootung.

-He’ll be ingratiated to you. -Ingratiated. That’s a fine word.

He once gave a taxi–

Come here. In a minute. Your tongue’s running away.

Now that is a well-kept set of teeth.

Someone has paid a lot of bills for that sweet mouth.

Frank, you’d be surprised how people neglect their kids’ teeth.

Basie, I got you three.

I wasn’t able to sell any goddamn portholes.

Those Hankow merchants…

…they’re charging $10 for a bag of rice.

Cathedral School too.

Cathedral?

What’s he, some kind of priest?

The Cathedral School.

It’s a school for taipans.

You must know some important people, son.

What do they call you?

I once met Madame Sun Yat-Sen.

She didn’t call me anything. I was 3.

Madame Sun?

I was presented.

-Presented. -You two keep getting presented.

We’ll be up to our asses in junk, eating rats when the Japs walk in.

The Japs are not looking for us.

Nantao Creek is full of cholera. They’ve got more sense.

It’s a changed world. Even if I sell this stuff…

…there wouldn’t be enough to get a sampan upriver.

We’d have to strip the Queen Mary! So we don’t have any rice for you.

Let’s leave the boy alone.

All these new words and now this. Fancy candy?

-What did you say your name was? -Jamie.

I’m building a man-flying kite…

…and writing a book on contract bridge.

Jim. A new name for a new life.

Jim’s parents got picked up with all the other Brits…

…and now Jim’s looking for them.

Don’t worry about Frank. He always eats after me, don’t you, Frank?

I always eat after you, Basie.

Because I think for us both.

Jim, chew your food.

Chew every mouthful six times to get the benefit.

Frank, we might do all right in one of those camps.

It doesn’t look like we’ll be leaving Shanghai soon.

You’re a tired boy, Jim.

Where am I gonna sleep?

Shanghai, Jim.

Find any gold teeth in there?

Buying and selling, Frank. You know.

Life.

Okay, sit. Sit.

Make a muscle.

-Why can’t he sell me? -Because nobody wants you.

You’re worth nothing. Skin and bone.

Pretty soon, you’ll be sick all the time.

First, I could show you some rich pickings.

Hundreds of houses left empty.

ls that right?

I’ll show you the houses I lived in before Frank found me.

They were luxuriant!

Luxuriant?

You had good sense being born there. It was good living.

There certainly was good living!

There was opulence!

Opulence.

All right.

We’ll go and take a look at some of these houses.

Let’s go, Frank.

Opulence.

Season 6: My Mirror Image

DR. COX & JORDAN’S APARTMENT — EVENING Cox grabs the paper on his way in the front door, immediately flopping into a chair at the dining table. Jordan grabs the paper from his face, alerting him to the presence of Jack at the table.

Jordan: [Handing him a fork] Welcome home, Perry. Here’s the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack, and I’m gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that’s made my ass so big, I can’t fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day! I can’t.

She goes into the living room as Cox shovels a bit of food onto the fork and holds it out to Jack.

Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn’t ya?

Jack: No, I didn’t!

Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.

Jordan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!

Jack: Nobody does, Perry!

A handful of spaghetti is pelted into Perry’s face.

Cut to… JACK’S BEDROOM — LATER Dr. Cox tucks Jack into bed.

Dr. Cox: All right, champ. Just in case you get hungry later on….

A large handful of spaghetti is dropped on Jack’s face. Cox laughs gleefully.

SACRED HEART — ADMISSIONS Turk and Elliot are at the front desk.

Turk: [Messing with his cell phone] Yo, Elliot…what’s your ringtone?

Elliot: “Jesus, Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

Todd: [Stopping] I’m carrying underwood right now. See, that’s funny because it’s true. [Holds up his hand for a five, but Elliot looks disgusted.] Please?

Elliot: [Gives him the five.] But that’s all you get for the rest of the year, Todd.

He nods reluctantly and leaves.

Turk: I’m downloading ‘N Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye.” When that bad boy starts a-jumpin’, I defy anyone not to shake their butt to it. I’m bringing it back.

Elliot: Just like you brought back Pop-Rocks?

Turk: Teddy boy!

Across the room, Ted opens his mouth to reveal the sizzling Pop Rocks inside.

Elliot: Yeah, well, you’re not as big a trend-setter as you think you are. Right, Keith?

She turns to Keith, who sheepishly opens his sizzling Pop Rock-filled mouth.

Elliot: [Disappointed] Ohh.

J.D.’s Narration: As for me, I spent my free time getting coworkers I just met pregnant.

Cut to… KIM’S APARTMENT J.D. and Kim stand in the living room.

J.D.: You’re pregnant? [She nods.] Are you sure?

Kim: [Holding up a dozen home tests] I’m pretty sure.

J.D.: Uh, Kim, I’m not really sure how to phrase this, so I’m just gonna dive right in: Have there been other penises?

Kim: It’s yours, J.D.

J.D.: [Not cool] Cool.

Kim: Are you okay?

J.D.’s Thoughts: Aaaaauuuuugggggghhhhhh!!!!!!

J.D.: Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the inside of your apartment before.

Kim: Said the father of my unborn child. Heh! That was a joke. [Nothing from J.D.] Oh, come on. No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says “Thanks a latte!”

J.D.: Well, that’s different, Kim, that’s hilarious. This is life-changing.

Kim: We can get through this.

J.D.: You know what else is pretty classic — when the coffee guy asks for money, you say, “Sorry, my wallet’s in my other pair of mocha-chinos.” That always gets ’em.

Kim’s beeper goes off, and she looks at it.

Kim: Ah, dammit. I have to go to the hospital.

J.D.: Scone is also a–a funny word; but I don’t like them, I prefer croissants.

Kim: You’re clearly freaking out, so, um, you need to promise me that you’re gonna find somebody to talk to about this while I’m gone.

J.D.: Please! I’ll be fine. You be careful — you’re walking for two!

She nods and leaves.

J.D.: [Dialing his phone] Call Turk.

Meanwhile… SACRED HEART — ADMISSIONS Everybody dances to Turk’s ringtone.

♪ Just another player in your game for two / You may hate me, but it ain’t no lie / Baby, bye bye bye! ♪

Elliot: [Dancing] You were right, Turk.

Turk: [Dancing] Hell, yeah!

Dr. Kelso: [Not dancing] All right! All right! Now listen! This is a hospital, not a discotheque! Turn that damn thing off!

Meanwhile… KIM’S APARTMENT J.D. paces into the kitchen, his phone to his ear.

J.D.: Come on, buddy. Please pick up.

Meanwhile… SACRED HEART — ADMISSIONS Dr. Kelso has caved in to the ‘N Sync magic.

♪ …Bye bye / Don’t wanna be a fool for you / Just another player in your game for two… ♪

Dr. Kelso: [Dancing] This is pretty catchy.

♪ ‘Cause you may hate me but it ain’t no lie / Baby, bye bye bye– ♪

The song suddenly stops.

All: Awwwwww!

Meanwhile… KIM’S APARTMENT J.D. hangs up.

J.D.’s Thoughts: No problem. I’ll just go chill at my deck with a little vino.

He grabs an armful of wine bottles off the counter.

Fade to… J.D.’S HALF ACRE A couple empty bottles before him, J.D. lounges on a lawn chair and nurses another bottle of wine as ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” fills the evening air around him.

J.D.’s Narration: Unfortunately, it was still a hangout spot for gay seniors.

The camera pulls back to reveal the deck full of dancing guys.

J.D.: [Jumps up.] All right! That’s enough! [Sloshed] I have seen Les Mis over a dozen times, so I have nothing against giant queens per se, all right? In fact, my life would be a whole lot easier if I was married to one of you guys…. Excuse me.

He passes out.

Queen: You heard him, girls. Let’s roll!

Gays: Yeah! Wooo!

OK Go’s “Here It Goes Again” starts up.

MONTAGE::

HIGHWAY A caravan of cars drive along, with J.D. still passed out in the backseat of one, a colorful neckerchief tied around his neck.

LAS VEGAS The caravan arrives on the strip.

CHAPEL One of the gays lets the unconscious J.D. rest his head on his shoulder as they stand before the Elvis impersonator performing the ceremony.

J.D. finally comes to and looks around. He shrieks and flees, all the gays running out after him.

ALLEY J.D. zips around a corner, giving the pursuing gays the slip as he sneaks into a door, without noticing the sign on it: STAGE DOOR

STAGE Slightly confused, J.D. slows down as he takes in his surroundings, the crowd, and the giant spotlight suddenly fixed on him.

Across the stage, the Blue Man Group give each other a quizzical expression, then aim a large contraption at J.D. The crowd cheers in anticipation, and a powerful stream of blue paint is shot at J.D., followed by a gust of red glitter.

The crowd raises their hands, and J.D. victoriously does the same. He’s a star! Well, for a second, anyway, until a mob of security guards tackle him to the ground.

The Blue Man Group comes over to see, then raise their arms. The song fades.

END MONTAGE::

SACRED HEART — ADMISSIONS Turk’s phone goes off, and everyone is dancing.

Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! “Las Vegas Police Department.” [Answering] Hello?

Cut to… LAS VEGAS POLICE DEPARTMENT — EXTERIOR Turk and still paint-spattered and glittery J.D. come out.

J.D.: Why didn’t you answer your phone when I called you?

Turk: [Holds up his phone] I was dancing.

J.D.: Ohhhh. Wait, let me hear it.

Turk activates the ring. ♪ Ain’t no lie — ♪

J.D.: There it is.

♪ — Baby, bye bye bye / Bye bye! ♪

SACRED HEART — O.R. SCRUB ROOM Kim is in here alone, on her cell phone.

Kim: Well, look, I’m in surgery all morning, but we can meet for lunch, talk this through then, okay? Hello?

Meanwhile… PARKING LOT J.D. is out here on his phone.

Kim: [From phone, under a static noise] J.D., this is a really bad connection.

J.D.: Ted, please!

Ted is revealed to be seated on a nearby bench reading a paper, Pop Rocks sizzling in his open mouth, which he shuts, stifling the noise.

J.D.: Ted!

Ted plugs his nose, cutting off the noise completely.

J.D.: [To Kim] Okay, I’ll see you at lunch.

He hangs up and heads back towards the building, but is stopped short by the Janitor.

Janitor: Hey, mojambo(?). This here’s our new flagpole. Why don’t you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute?

J.D.: [Gazes up at the bare pole.] There’s no flag up there.

Janitor: We’re at war, my friend. All American flags are on backorder. What do you want me to do in the meantime, run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain’s wheel up on the roof…catch a parrot somehow…slap on an eyepatch…go to work with a caulk-gun, seal her up, make her watertight — I can take her out to sea.

J.D.: Are you insane?

Janitor: Nah. I’m a pirate.

J.D.: Whatever. I’m–I–I–I’m not saluting a pole!

He storms off back into the hospital.

Janitor: And so it begins…again.

CAFETERIA — LATER J.D. is at a table with Elliot, Dr. Cox, Turk, and Carla.

J.D.: My life is over.

Dr. Cox: Oh, come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman. [Clasps hands together in demonstration] Shadaisy!

Annoyed, J.D. leaves the table.

Turk: Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shadaisy!

Dr. Cox: What?

Carla: J.D. needs us right now, okay? So this is what we’re gonna do: Dr. Cox, you’re backing off. Elliot, you go talk to him.

Elliot: Can’t wait to talk to J.D. Maybe we can chat about how everyone in this frickin’ hospital, other than me, is having a baby. I mean, seriously, [re: J.D.] having a baby, [to Carla] having a baby, [to Cox] having a second baby! [Shouting at the next table] Or having her husband’s best friend’s baby! That’s right, Mona, everyone knows! [Mona leaves her table. From another table, Dr. Beardface looks up at the scene.] What are you looking at, Dr. Beardface? You want a kid? ‘Cause I swear to God, I will mount you right now!

Dr. Beardface: It’s Beardfacé, dammit!

He angrily stands from his table. Elliot gives him a “So? Screw you!” look.

HALL Some interns are grouped together talking as Dr. Cox arrives in sweaty casual wear with his beeper in hand.

Dr. Cox: [Whistles.] Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me! Quick question: What does this outfit tell you?

Dr. Kelso: [Stops and looks him up and down] You…are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest?

He continues on.

Dr. Cox: It means that I was just working out — which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as “me time.” Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers. You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports. However, I’m here, and I’m totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me.

A male intern with a chart is shoved forward.

Male Intern: Mr. White’s chart said to remove his eight stitches, but we counted nine. Should we leave one?

Dr. Cox: That’s it. Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways until I say stop.

They laugh nervously.

Dr. Cox: Think I’m kidding? Shyah! Shyah! [They flee.] Shyah shyah shyah! Shyah!

Jordan: [Weaving through the interns] Perry? What the hell? I just got a call from Jack’s school. Apparently they served spaghetti for lunch, so he had some sort of Vietnam flashback. We’re having a second baby. You need to deal with your anger issues.

Dr. Cox: I don’t have any anger issues.

The interns run through, completing their first lap. One of the young females stops at Cox’s side.

Female Intern: [Struggling for air] Dr. Cox, I’m sorry, but my asthma…is really…starting…to…[wheezes].

Dr. Cox: [Nods sympathetically for a few wheezes, then] GET OUTTA HERE!

She runs off again.

Jordan: Seriously?

I.C.U. — NURSES’ STATION An orderly parks a white-haired man in a wheelchair next to the desk, where the Janitor is writing in a legal pad.

Mr. O’Neil: What are you working on, young man?

Janitor: New ways to torture that guy. See?

We get a look at the pad, on which is written “NEW WAYS TO TORTURE THAT GUY” with an arrow, which he aims to line up with J.D. across the ward.

Follow to… I.C.U. — WARD J.D. goes behind the privacy curtain of his young female patient.

J.D.: Mrs. Zeebee, I know that we were hoping that the pain around your areola was simple mastitis, but it turns out that it’s breast cancer.

Mrs. ZeeBee: [Sighs heavily] I can’t believe this is happening to me.

J.D.: Trust me, I know what you’re going through. Just yesterday, I found out that my girlfriend–

Turk whips the curtain back and grabs J.D. by the shoulder.

Turk: ‘Scuse us!

He jerks J.D. back and draws the curtain to separate them from the patient.

Turk: Dude, please tell me you’re not comparing getting cancer to knocking up your girlfriend.

J.D.: I was trying to!

Turk: You can’t pawn your personal stuff off on your patients!

J.D.: What about you and the motorcycle accident guy!?

FLASHBACK::
PATIENT’S ROOM Turk stands at the bed of a bandaged guy.

Turk: So get this: My pregnant wife has decided that it’s okay to steal my pillow in the middle of the night and sleep with it in between her legs! [Scoffs.]

Patient: When am I going in to surgery?

Turk: Oh, we can’t start the surgery until the troopers find your foot.

BACK TO PRESENT::

Turk: That was different. He said, “What’s up?”

He leaves.

NURSES’ STATION Dr. Cox and Carla are hanging out at the desk as the interns jog through on their next lap.

Dr. Cox: Hardly seems like much of a punishment for the kid from Kenya. I mean, God’s sake, he could run all day.

Carla: You know, maybe Jordan’s right — maybe it’s time you start dealing with your anger issues?

Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to — by law — remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don’t see the downside.

Flash to… I.C.U. — OBSERVATION ROOM Carla has brought Dr. Cox here to the bed of an older man.

Carla: Mr. Slydell here is suffering from peptic ulcer disease and hypertension — two conditions you’ll often see in very angry people.

Dr. Cox: Now, now, you don’t know that this gentleman is angry.

Mr. Slydell: [Jabbing his remote] Damn it! Why won’t this TV go on!?!?

He hurls the remote across the room.

Carla: [To Cox] That was the bed remote.

HALL Keith, with a large bottle of soda in hand, and Ted walk through.

Keith: Ted, I…I got the cola. Did you get the Pop Rocks?

Ted: No, the vending machine was out, so I went to the generic store and got some “Fizzy Pebbles.”

Keith: Sure we should do this?

Ted: I’m sick of legends and hearsay, Keith! I have to know!

They slip into the door of a lab. The interns pass on their next lap through, jogging past the Nurses’ Station, where Janitor and Mr. O’Neil are still together.

Janitor: [To the interns] No scuffing. No scuffing! [To Mr. O’Neil] Okay, what if…I get a sex-change operation, and I trick him into marrying me?

Mr. O’Neil: But if it doesn’t work, you’ll just be an older, fairly ugly, janitor woman.

Janitor: That’s true.

Mr. O’Neil: [Chuckles] You know, you and I are quite a bit alike. I spent most of my life trying to become a lawyer. But I could never get my juris doctorate.

Janitor: How does that make us alike?

Mr. O’Neil: Ohh, I spent years trying to get that damn J.D….

There’s a small explosion heard nearby, and Janitor turns to the windowed door of the lab where Keith and Ted, covered in foamy soda, laugh and cheer.

Ted: Ah-ha-haaaa! Hey! It’s alive! & Keith: Woo-hooooooo! Wooooo!

They laugh and hug.

Janitor: [Sarcastic] Hey! That’ll be fun to clean up!

NURSES’ STATION — PATIENT SIDE J.D. stands at the desk with Carla, Turk, and Elliot.

J.D.: You know what’s so messed up about this whole baby thing? I mean, I feel like I’m drowning, and it hasn’t even fazed Kim.

Meanwhile… O.R. Kim is in surgery, some hip-hop playing on the system in the background.

Kim: [Sobbing] Okay, let’s, uh, close her up.

Nurse: Dr. Briggs? Why are you crying?

Kim: This song always gets me.

♪ …for the funky cold medina. ♪

Kim: My brother was killed by a funky cold medina.

Meanwhile… NURSES’ STATION — PATIENT SIDE

Carla: I’m sorry, J.D., but you knew that this could happen when you had sex.

J.D.: I have to tell you guys something, but you have to promise not to laugh, okay?

Carla: Oh, no, absolutely. & Turk: I’ll try. & Elliot: Right. Sure.

J.D.: Okay, on the night of said conception, uh, Kim and I nuded up, and um…the dirty talk began, and I got a little over-excited.

Turk: Ooooh! She like-a the dirty talk!

J.D.: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going, but I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices….

Elliot: He does.

J.D.: Anyhoo, there was some unexpected friendly fire. And, uh, even though I never got a chance to enter…”the village”…uh, there was a…”airstrike” on one of the outlying regions–

Turk busts up laughing, and Carla yanks his ear to quiet him.

Turk: [Under breath] Thank you.

J.D.: Anyway, I spoke to the gals up in OB-G, and they said it’s not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.

Turk: [Near laughter] What you trying to tell us is that you…never actually had sex with her?

J.D.: No, I didn’t have a condom.

They all stifle their giggles.

J.D.: And, uh, we decided not to have sex because — here’s the kicker — I didn’t want to get her pregnant.

They all lose it.

Turk: [Laughing] Oh, no you didn’t!

J.D. rolls his eyes and heads back to the ward, to the bed of his patient.

J.D.’s Narration: As I thought about how Mrs. Zeebee and I had gotten such a raw deal, I realized how easy it was for doctors to see themselves in their patients.

Meanwhile… MR. SLYDELL’S ROOM Dr. Cox is at the man’s bed.

J.D.’s Narration: Whether it’s in the choices they made in their life…

Mr. Slydell: My anger not only cost me my health, it also cost me my job, my marriage…it cost me damn near everything.

Dr. Cox: [Floored] You’re killing me.

Meanwhile… NURSES’ STATION Janitor is with Mr. O’Neil.

J.D.’s Narration: …or the choices they didn’t make…

Mr. O’Neil: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do — start a family, see the world….

Janitor: Punch a whale?

Mr. O’Neil: No, I punched a whale, right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.

Meanwhile… MRS. ZEEBEE’S BED J.D. is lost in thought.

J.D.’s Narration: Either way, it forces you to face your problems head-on.

Kim comes up behind him.

Kim: There you are. You ready to grab some lunch so that we can talk?

J.D.’s Narration: Or not.

J.D.: You know what, Kim, I don’t think I can handle this right now.

He walks off.

Kim: [To the air] Oh, okay. Yeah. That’s great. Um….

The interns jog by behind her on their next lap.

SACRED HEART — PARKING LOT Kim comes out and down the stairs, looking around, just as Turk and J.D. drive up in the mini.

Turk: Heads up.

J.D. dives down to the floor as Turk stops next to Kim.

Kim: Hey.

Turk: Hey.

Kim: You seen J.D.?

J.D. shakes his head “no.”

Turk: I have not.

Kim: Any idea where he is?

J.D. makes a gesture jabbing at his palm, puffing a few breaths, and wiggling his fingers.

Turk: Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at Lincoln Middle School on 18th Street.

J.D.’s Thoughts: [Giving thumbs’ up] I can’t believe he got that! We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday!

Kim: Come on, Turk, where is he?

Turk: [Stretching his arms high] You know, Kim, I’m sorry but I really have [points at the floor] no idea.

J.D.’s Thoughts: Traitor!

He moves and falls against the accelerator. The car zips off.

Turk: Aaaaaggghhhh!

I.C.U. — WARD Elliot and her interns stand around a patient bed playing a group patty-cake game.

Elliot and Interns: “Slide down the lily pad and go ker-plop!”

They laugh and cheer as Cox arrives.

Dr. Cox: Space-wasters, why haven’t any of you placed a pulmonary artery cath on this guy?

Elliot: [Hushed] Hey, let’s try to use our inside voice around the interns. We don’t want to scare them.

Carla comes over from tending the patient in the next bed.

Dr. Cox: What kind of new crazy is this?

Carla: Oh, Elliot snapped a little and decided the interns were her babies.

Elliot: [To intern, baby-voiced] Oops, Jakie. Somebody’s got a little smudgie on his face. [Licks her finger and wipes his cheek.] There you go.

Dr. Cox: [Moving on] Long as he gets done.

Carla: [Chasing after] Um, why doesn’t Elliot have a freshly-ripped new one right now?

Dr. Cox: I’m not freshly ripping anybody anything anymore. I am done with anger.

They stop at the Nurses’ Station, where Jordan is standing.

Jordan: Oh, is that gonna be like the time you quit drinking? ‘Cause that was the longest twenty minutes of my life!

Dr. Cox: [Continuing on] Your sarcasm is wasted on me, you giant pregnant beast. This is an anger-free zone. There’s no anger here. [Runs into the corner of the desk.] Oh! Guh! Counter! Ha ha haaaaa!

HALL The Janitor sprays a cleaner on a window and wipes. He looks off to the side and surreptitiously sprays a bit of the cleaner in his mouth. Kelso, passing behind him, stops and gives him a hard look.

Janitor: I filled it with blue Gatorade. I just do that to freak people out.

Dr. Kelso: Scintillating.

He starts to go off again, but Janitor stops him.

Janitor: Say, since we’re small talking, let me–let me ask you a question: Do you have any…regrets about the way you lived your life? ‘Cause I think I do.

Dr. Kelso: You’ve never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh?

Janitor: Oh! Haha, good one. No, that’s not it. Come on, be straight with me. Do you think I’m wasting my life?

Dr. Kelso: Let’s cut to the chase, freak-show. If you’re a 44-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you’ve made a lot of wrong turns along the way. Good talk!

He goes on.

Janitor: Hmm.

He comforts himself with another shot from his spray bottle.

FIRST FLOOR HALL J.D. and Turk walk through.

Turk: Dude, what the hell am I supposed to tell Kim when she asks why I drove off like that?

J.D.: Tell her you hate white chicks. And then when she says, “No you don’t,” you say, “I mean ‘White Chicks’ the movie — not a fan of those Wayans brothers.” Then she’ll laugh and forget why she was mad at you.

Turk: You’re right! That’ll work. But still, you need to man up and talk to her.

J.D.: You have no idea what I’m going through.

Turk: Really? ‘Cause the last time I checked, I was having a kid, too.

J.D.: [Turns to face him] Yeah, that you planned with your wife, whose middle name you know. [Turks looks sheepish.] It’s Juanita, Turk! Carla’s middle name is Juanita!

Turk: I knew it was something Puerto Rican.

J.D.: What if Kim and I don’t end up together? Okay? I already have enough trouble meeting girls. Can you imagine it now? “Hey, how you doin’? I’m J.D., [holds up an imaginary baby] and this little bugger right here already hates ya for not being his real mommy! Wanna get freaky? I’m apparently very fertile!” My life has changed forever! You wanna be like everybody else and say “Everything’s gonna be just fine!”?

Turk: Dude, I’m your best friend — I’ll tell you whatever you want me to.

J.D. turns and sulks off.

DOCTORS’ LOUNGE Cox enters to find Elliot working on her laptop.

Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie? Have you seen any of the interns around?

Elliot: Yeah. They did so well at rounds, I’m just letting them watch a show.

Dr. Cox: Oh. Hi, interns.

They’re all sitting on the couch watching the TV.

Interns: [Vaguely acknowledging him] Hi.

Dr. Cox: [To Elliot] Look, you pretty obviously have short-circuited. Because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub.

Intern: [Turning around] Shh! I can’t hear the TV!

Dr. Cox: [Coming undone] Okay, ahaho!

He stalks over towards them.

Meanwhile… HOSPITAL EXTERIOR — BENCH Jordan sits reading a magazine as a television set plummets into the cement from above.

Dr. Cox: [Waving from the window] Hi, honey!

Jordan nods.

Meanwhile… DOCTORS’ LOUNGE

Dr. Cox: [Whistles] Hyah! Go on, get outta here! [The interns flee.] Come on! You too! Get outta here! Hyah! [Carla enters to see the scene.] Don’t even say a word.

Carla: [Handing over a chart] Mr. Slydell’s ulcer perforated and he bled out. He’s dead.

Defeated, Cox leaves the room. Turk passes him on his way in, wrapping his arms around Carla from behind.

Turk: Well, if it isn’t my beautiful bride, Carla Juanita Espinosa.

Carla: [Smile fades.] Juanita? You think my middle name is Juanita?

Turk: I am going to kill J.D.!

He turns and leaves.

NURSES’ STATION — PATIENT SIDE Dr. Kelso approaches J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Uh, Dr. Dorian, look, uh, this is a bit awkward, but, uh, as chief of medicine, I feel obligated to ask you about your relationship with Dr. Briggs…. Was she naughty? I bet she’s a hellcat.

J.D.: Get help, sir.

Dr. Kelso: Never mind. It’s, uh, [points at head] better up here.

He leaves as Nurse Roberts approaches with a chart.

Nurse Roberts: Mrs. Zeebee’s CAT-scan came back.

J.D.’s Thoughts: [Reading the chart] Oh, man. This just sucks.

Audioslave’s “Be Yourself” comes up. J.D. approaches the woman’s bed.

J.D.: [Sighs.] Mrs. Zeebee, unfortunately the cancer isn’t localized just to your breast. We’re gonna have to start chemo right away.

J.D.’s Narration: The most important thing to remember when you see yourself in a patient is that they’re not actually you.

Meanwhile… NURSES’ STATION Janitor eyes Mr. O’Neil, whose appearance gradually morphs to that of the Janitor.

Meanwhile… MR. SLYDELL’S ROOM Dr. Cox pulls the sheet back and takes a hard look at the man, whose appearance gradually morphs to that of his own.

Meanwhile… MRS. ZEEBEE’S BED J.D. looks deeply at the woman’s face.

J.D.’s Narration: In fact, sometimes, they’re actually who we wish we had the courage to be.

Mrs. Zeebee: You know what? [To him, her face morphs to vaguely resemble J.D.’s] I’m gonna get through this. [Another morph, and she looks just like him] Just you watch. [There’s a flash to end the “fantasy” and the woman appears as herself.] Not like I can change what’s already happened. The only thing to do is move forward and deal with it. Right?

J.D.: Yeah.

Cut to… HOSPITAL EXTERIOR — WHEELHAIR RAMP J.D. exits the building.

J.D.’s Narration: Right then, I knew exactly what I had to do, come hell or high water.

He trips over a low string held taught before him.

J.D.: Whoa! [Hits the ground.] Oof!

He flops over onto his back as Turk and a couple janitors run over to him with some large cardboard stencils and cans of spraypaint.

Turk: Uh-huh! I got your Juanita. [Spraying J.D.] Juanita, huh? Well you can Jua-nita this right there.

Finished spraying, they peel their stencils off and step back, revealing the stars and stripes now adorning J.D.’s clothing. J.D. jumps up and takes in his appearance.

J.D.: What the hell?

Up on the roof above, Janitor sits on the edge, a rope around his waist.

Janitor: It’s now or never.

He dives off the roof, swinging on his rope past a startled J.D., who he grabs and swings up to the top of the flagpole. He abandons J.D. up there and swings back down to the ground with a jubilant laugh.

J.D.: [Clinging to the pole] Are you gonna let me down anytime soon?

Janitor: Not until you spend a little time acting like a flag.

With the help of a rope, J.D. stretches his legs out horizontally to wave as a flag in the breeze.

J.D.’s Narration: As I acted like a flag, I sensed that the Janitor learned nothing from this experience.

Down below, a military man stops next to the Janitor and salutes J.D. Janitor proudly does the same.

Meanwhile… DR. COX & JORDAN’S APARTMENT Dr. Cox sits at the dining table with Jack, preparing a plate of food for the boy.

J.D.’s Narration: Dr. Cox, on the other hand, got halfway there. He may always be angry at work, but he had learned to control himself when it counts.

Dr. Cox: Jacky, would you like some hot dogs?

Jack: I don’t want hot dogs!

He shoves the plate off the table, where it shatters below.

Dr. Cox: [Sighs, then grabs a nearby bowl with a smile.] That’s okay, ’cause we’ve got your favorite yogurt.

Later… KIM’S APARTMENT She answers the knocking front door to see J.D. standing with a pizza box.

J.D.’s Narration: As for me, I finally came through, even if it was a little late.

Kim smiles at him.

J.D.: Can we talk?

Kim: That’d be great.

She invites him in. The song fades. Fade to black.

T H E  S I M P S O N S

Rosebud script

Mr. Burns longs for his teddy bear Bobo, however, it turns up at the Simpsons’ household and Maggie does not want to let it go.

Episode 1F01, Season 5
First aired Oct 21, 1993
Written by John Swartzwelder
Directed by Wes Archer

// //

ACT ONE

At Burns’ mansion. The shots pans down past several signs on the gate: Keep Out, Danger Electrified Fence, Trespassers Will Be Shot, and Free Kittens – Inquire Within. Outside the front door, several guards march up and down, chanting.

GUARDS
All we own, we o-own, all we own, we o-own.

SMITHERS
(leaning out of a window) Shh!

GUARDS
(quieter) All we own, we o-own, all we own, we o-own…

Inside the mansion, Burns is in bed. We see his dream – a young Burns, playing with a stuffed bear.

BURNS
Tra-la-la-la-la-la! Tra-la-la-la-la! I’m the happiest boy there is, aren’t I, Bobo?

A limousine pulls up, and the passenger talks to Burns’ parents.

MOTHER
Happy! Come here, Happy!

BURNS
Yes, Mumsy?

FATHER
Happy, would you like to continue living with us, your loving natural parents, or would you rather live with this twisted, loveless billionaire?

Burns drops the bear, jumps into the limo, and puts sunglasses on.

BURNS
Let’s roll!

FATHER
(calling after him) Wait! You forgot your bear, a symbol of your lost youth and innocence! Ah, oh well, at least we still have his little brother George.

GEORGE
(sings) Bwa bwa bwa bwa, Oh the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky Home, Bwa bwa bwa bwa… (spoken) Trust me, it’ll be funny when I’m an old man.

The dream fades back to the present. Burns tosses and turns in his bed, holding a Nev-R-Break snow globe.

BURNS
I want my… teddy…

Smithers walks in as he drops the snow globe.

BURNS
Bobo… Bobo… (Smithers wakes him up) Huh? Oh, it’s you. The bedpan’s under my pillow.

SMITHERS
Who’s Bobo, sir?

BURNS
Bobo? Uh, I… I… I meant Lobo! Uh, Sheriff Lobo, they never should have cancelled that show.

SMITHERS
I see. On another topic the preparations for your birthday have begun.

BURNS
I won’t get what I really want.

SMITHERS
No one does…

Smithers imagines a naked Mr. Burns popping out of a birthday cake, singing.

BURNS
Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers!

Smithers groans with pleasure. At the Simpsons home, Homer tosses in bed.

HOMER
Lobo… Lobo… Bring back Sheriff Lobo… Lobo… Lobo! (waking up with a jolt) Aaah!

MARGE
What is it?

Homer points to the calendar by the bed.

HOMER
Oh no! Burns’ birthday!

MARGE
What’s wrong?

HOMER
Every time Mr. Burns has a birthday, all the employees have to help out at the party. And I always get some terrible job.

He recalls holding a piñata while a blindfolded Burns swings at it.

BURNS
Where is that dreaded piñata?

HOMER
(hit by Burns) Ow. (hit) Ow. (hit) Ow. (hit) Missed me, heh heh! (hit) Ow.

Back to reality, and Marge has fallen back asleep.

Later that day at work, Homer is being played a prank on by his co-workers. They look on and laugh as Homer struggles to remove a coat hanger stuck in his shirt.

HOMER
Not funny! And the one in my pant really hurts!

Everyone laughs harder. Meanwhile, Burns watches him on the security monitors.

BURNS
That man who’s getting all those laughs, Smithers – who is he?

SMITHERS
Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from sector 7-G, but I don’t think–

BURNS
I want this Simpson fellow to perform comedy at my party. I must harness his fractured take on modern life.

SMITHERS
Fine, sir. I’ll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque material.

Back at home, Homer writes his comedy act.

HOMER
(chuckling) Hee hee hee, I’m so funny. This is gonna be great!

MARGE
What are you doing?

HOMER
I’m writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is poopoo one word or two?

Homer & Bart laugh.

MARGE
I don’t think it’s a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.

LISA
Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns’ foibles if done with the greatest of care could earn Dad a special place in the old man’s heart.

HOMER
Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. (chuckles) I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants!

Bart laughs and gives Homer a high-five. Marge and Lisa groan.

It’s Burns’ birthday. Homer practices his comedy act in front of the mirror.

HOMER
Now, I’m not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent…

BART
Incontinent! (laughs) Too rich!

LISA
Does either of you know what incontinent means?

HOMER
Lisa, don’t spoil our fun.

MARGE
Come on, everybody, it’s time to go.

HOMER
Okay, stupid!

MARGE
Homer, you’ve got to stop insulting everyone, especially your boss!

HOMER
Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It’s what gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters. (outside) Hey Flanders! You smell like manure!

FLANDERS
Uh oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose news, neighbor!

At the party, the guests enter. Former President George Bush is pulled aside by one of the guards.

GUARD
Hey! No one-termers.

Bush is pushed aside. Jimmy Carter has also been refused entry.

CARTER
You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place.

BUSH
Get away from me, loser.

Inside Burns’ mansion. Smithers introduces the party.

SMITHERS
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Montgomery Burns: the life.

He shows some slides from Mr. Burns’ life. A slide showing Burns with Bobo comes up.

BURNS
Oh, Bobo…

SMITHERS
Here are several fine young men who I’m sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones!

BURNS
Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.

RAMONE #1
I’d just like to say this gig sucks!

RAMONE #2
Hey, up yours, Springfield.

RAMONE #1
One, two, three, four! (loud guitar music begins) Happy birthday to you!

RAMONE #2
(backing) Happy birthday!

RAMONE #1
Happy birthday to you!

RAMONE #2
(backing) Happy birthday!

RAMONE #1
Happy birthday, Burnsie, happy birthday to you!

RAMONE #3
Go to hell, you old bastard!

The song finishes and the curtain closes.

RAMONE #4
Hey, I think they liked us.

BURNS
Have the Rolling Stones killed.

SMITHERS
But sir, those aren’t the–

BURNS
Do as I say!

Burns opens his presents.

BURNS
Uh, stink, piffle… Dust Buster? Ugh…

Marge groans. Smithers brings a TV screen into view.

SMITHERS
Sir, I’ve arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There’s a satellite hookup on that monitor if you’ll just turn your head slightly.

BURNS
Bah! No time! Next!

SMITHERS
I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot. (audience gasp) And now it’s time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!

Homer comes on stage.

HOMER
(loudly) Are you ready to laugh?

MAN
Poor dog.

HOMER
(loudly) I said, are you ready to laugh?

WOMAN
Quiet, you awful man!

HOMER
You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap!

BURNS
What?

HOMER
I mean, y’know, Mr. Burns is so old!

BURNS
How dare you!

HOMER
(to himself) Whoo, tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns. (to audience) Here’s an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little… cheeky!

He turns round, bends over and drops his pants to reveal a face painted on his butt. He wiggles his butt to the crowd.

HOMER
(mimicking) I’m Mr. Burns! Blah blah blah! I think I’m so big, blah blah blah! Do this, do that, blah blah blah!

BURNS
Destroy him.

Several guards approach him, wielding clubs.

HOMER
Bla bla bla– (a guard hits him) Ow!

BURNS
This party is over!

A riot squad enters the room and causes chaos.

Back at the Simpsons’ home. Homer has a lump on his head.

HOMER
Oh, where did I lose ’em? I’ll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

LISA
I’d like to believe that this time, I really would.

MARGE
Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father’s head.

BART
Yes’m. (He turns to Homer) Dad, I know you’re discouraged, but please don’t deny the world your fat can.

HOMER
Don’t worry boy, she’ll be ready for your Aunt Selma’s birthday.

LISA
I knew it…

At Burns’ mansion, Smithers tries to comfort Burns.

SMITHERS
Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: King Arthur’s Excalibur; the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain; and that rare first draft of the constitution with the word “suckers” in it.

BURNS
Yes yes yes, so what?

SMITHERS
You want your Bobo, don’t you?

BURNS
Liar! I’ll give you the thrashing of a lifetime! (He tries, but is too feeble.) Resistance is futile! (He falls into Smithers arms.) Oh God, how I want my bear. But he’s gone, gone forever. I’d give anything to know what happened to him.

The next few scenes follow Bobo’s journey. The bear remains in the snow where it was dropped. When the snow melts, the bear is swept into the river. It is picked up in 1927 by a man who gives it to Charles Lindberg.

MAN
Why, put some grease in your garter, Lindy, you’re late!

Lindberg flies off in a plane. He passes over Germany where a young Adolf Hitler catches Bobo as it falls. Later, in 1947, Hitler is in a bunker, while Germany is being bombed. He picks up the bear.

HITLER
This is all your fault!

He throws the bear outside. Next we see it in 1957, atop a submarine about to dive. Bobo becomes frozen in a block of ice, and is dug up in the Arctic in the present day. He is packed into a bag of ice, and put in a van. The van then arrives at the Kwik-E-Mart, and the men unload the bags of ice.

MAN
You’ve gotta start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition.

APU
If you can think of a better way to get ice, I’d like to hear it.

The men chatter, unable to think of one.

MAN
Beats me.

Bart picks up a bag.

BART
Hey Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it.

APU
Ooh, a head bag! Those are choc-full of… heady goodness!

Bart opens the bag back at home and pulls out Bobo.

BART
Hey, it’s a teddy bear. Ugh, gross, it’s probably diseased or something. Here Maggie.

He gives the bear to Maggie. A close up of the bear shows a “100% COTTON” label, and then a label marked “Bobo”.

ACT TWO

At Burns’ mansion, Smithers enters wearing a bear costume.

SMITHERS
Here’s something that should cheer you up, sir. It’s me sir, Bobo! (He sits on Burns’ lap) Hug me, squeeze me, tug at my fur!

BURNS
(pushes him off) Ugh, enough! Stop this grotesque charade. Now find my teddy! (as Smithers leaves) Oh and, er, leave the costume.

Kent Brockman delivers the news. Homer watches, while Maggie plays with Bobo in front of him.

KENT BROCKMAN
The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house… You could be looking at it right now. (Maggie holds up the bear) It could be right in front of your face as I’m saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps being held up by a loved one.

HOMER
Maggie, I’m trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down. (he gasps) Moldy? Old? I’m gonna get something to eat!

Professor Frink has invented a robot bear for Mr. Burns.

FRINK
Well, it’s not your original bear, of course, ng-hee, but it is programmed to be just as cuddly.

He turns it on using a remote control, but the bear seems to be evil. It grabs Burns.

FRINK
(messing with remote) Doggone it. It’s supposed to be doing a little dance…

SMITHERS
I got it!

He smashes a chair over the bear’s head.

FRINK
I’ll try to turn it off…

BEAR
No, bear want to live! Aah!

The bear breaks through the wall to Burns’ mansion.

While Lisa meditates to sea music in the living room, Maggie places the bear behind the fish tank. Bart knocks over a lamp which shines eerily onto the tank. At the top of the stairs, Homer trips on Bart’s skateboard and falls down the stairs, hitting his head several times on the way down.

HOMER
Ah! D’oh! Ow! Son of a… D’oh! Stupid… stair!

Upon reaching the bottom, he notices the fish tank.

HOMER
(gasp) How long have we had these fish? (gasp) Wait, it’s a bear… Burns’ bear!

The family sit round the kitchen table with the bear. Lisa checks the label.

LISA
Bobo. It’s Mr. Burns’ bear all right.

HOMER
Well Burns isn’t getting this back cheap. He’s gonna have to give me… my own recording studio.

He imagines himself singing with a brass ensemble.

HOMER
Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun… (starts to drool) oh…

TECHNICIAN
Homer, you’re drooling on the mike again.

Back to reality, and Homer is still drooling.

LISA
I think we should just give him the bear he cherishes so much.

Homer and Bart burst out laughing. Marge inspects the bear.

MARGE
Hmm… better sew that eye back on.

BART
No, let’s send Burns the eye in the mail. He’ll pay more money if he thinks the bear’s in danger.

HOMER
(in a trance) Yes, we’ll send the eye.

MARGE
I’m sure he’ll offer us a fair reward. (pause) And then we’ll make him double it!

FAMILY
Huh?

MARGE
Well why can’t I be greedy once in a while?

Homer takes the bear to Mr. Burns.

BURNS
Bobo, my beautiful Bobo. I promise I’ll never leave you behind again. (Homer coughs) Ah, yes. Er, naturally I can’t pay you much of a reward because I’m strapped for cash.

The ceiling collapses, covering him in gold coins and jewels.

BURNS
As you can see, this old place is falling apart. But, I’m sure we can come to an understanding.

HOMER
Yes, sir. (pan up to his brain) Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer.

BURNS
May I offer you a drink?

HOMER
Sorry, Burns, no deal!

Homer takes the bear and leaves.

BURNS
Don’t worry Smithers. He’s playing hardball now, but it won’t take him long to crack.

Homer is sat at home. A cracking noise is heard, and Homer lunges for the phone.

HOMER
I gotta call Burns, I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink!

BART
(putting the phone down) Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he’ll pay.

HOMER
Right, that makes sense.

He suddenly dives onto the phone and tries to dial, but the whole family, including the pets, pull him back. A knock is heard at the door. Homer answers with the family still holding onto him. It’s Burns.

HOMER
I knew you’d come crawling back.

BURNS
(inside) How much do you want?

HOMER
A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the leper one.

BURNS
Done! Now give me that bear!

HOMER
Woohoo! I’m rich! Rich I tells ya! Here you go!

Homer tries to pick up the bear, but Maggie is holding onto it.

HOMER
(struggling) It seems to be caught on something… Bad baby! Bad Maggie!

He finally wrestles it out of Maggie grasp, but she starts crying. Homer is unsure what to do.

BURNS
Give me the bear!

SMITHERS
The bear! The bear!

Homer gives the bear back to Maggie.

HOMER
Here you go, Maggie. The deal’s off, Mr. Burns. The bear stays here.

BURNS
You’ve made a mistake, Simpson!

Smithers growls as they both leave.

HOMER
Big deal! Who needs his money? We’re getting along fine.

Suddenly, Abe crashes a car through the wall of the Simpsons’ home.

ABE
Son, you gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here, and I don’t have any insurance! (pause) So, how’s my Ute?

ACT THREE

It is night-time. Burns and Smithers stand atop Flanders’ roof, dressed in black. Smithers shoots an arrow attached to a wire onto the Simpsons’ roof.

BURNS
Excellent shot, Smithers. I’ll be squeezing my Bobo in no time.

Flanders pops his head out of the attic window.

FLANDERS
Howdy, gents, what can I diddily-do ya for?

Burns sprays something in his face, and he faints.

BURNS
Remember Smithers. In and out in eighteen seconds.

They slide down the wire, but get stuck in the middle. They stay there until morning when the firemen rescue them. Burns is sitting in an ambulance, wrapped in a blanket.

MARGE
More cocoa, Mr. Burns?

BURNS
Yes.

The next night. Burns and Smithers get into the house, and crawl along the ceiling using suction pads. They are halfway across the kitchen when Homer, half asleep and in his underwear, enters and takes some cheese out of the fridge. He sits down at the table.

HOMER
Mmm… sixty four slices of American cheese. (starts eating them) Sixty four… sixty three…

Fade to morning, and he is struggling to finish.

HOMER
Two… One…

MARGE
(entering) Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?

HOMER
I think I’m blind.

Burns and Smithers lose suction in their pads and fall to the floor. They get up quickly and brush themselves off.

HOMER
Wha?

BURNS
Good day to you. (exit)

At work the next day, fellow workmates gather round him.

MAN 1
Excuse me, we wanted to see the geek who valued the happiness of his children more than money.

HOMER
(bored) Right here.

MAN 2
Aw, you said his head was the size of a baseball.

HOMER
Oh, my life can’t get any worse.

SMITHERS
(over the tannoy) Homer Simpson, report for much worse duties.

HOMER
D’oh!

Homer’s “much worse” duty consists of him walking in a circle in the basement, turning a large gear, while being whipped by an executioner.

HOMER
(whip) Ow! (whip) D’oh! After lunch, can I whip you?

EXECUTIONER
No.

HOMER
Oh, no fair. (whip) Ow!

The view pans up a long way to the cafeteria, where Homer’s efforts simply rotate a display of cakes. Lenny and Carl pass by.

LENNY
Mmm, I wonder what makes it turn.

CARL
Who cares?

Back at home again. Homer tries to coax the bear away from Maggie.

HOMER
Maggie, I know you like the bear, but wouldn’t you be just as happy playing with… (looks around, and picks up a cardboard box) this box! (plays with it) See Maggie? See the fun box? Do-do-do-do-do-do!

Maggie reaches for the box.

HOMER
No! My box! My box!

He runs to the other side of the room and plays by himself. Later in the bedroom, Marge enters from the en suite, her hair in a mess.

MARGE
Mmm, I think we need a new hairdryer.

HOMER
Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr. Burns’ money.

MARGE
I don’t hate you, I’m proud of you! You came through for your daughter when she needed you the most.

HOMER
Aw, thanks Marge. But it’ll take a lot more than that to comfort this tortured sole. (he picks up his box) Hee boxy!

MARGE
(snatching the box) Gimme that!

HOMER
Aw…

Homer watches Barney the Dinosaur on TV.

BARNEY
Two plus two is four, two plus two is four, two plus two is four…

HOMER
(chuckling) I can see why this show is so popular. Look at him. Heh.

Suddenly, the program is cut off and Mr. Burns appears on screen.

BURNS
Give me my bear, Simpson!

HOMER
Aah!

He changes channels.

TV PRESENTER
It’s the sooooouuuul mass transit system!

Burns rushes on screen, panting.

BURNS
(out of breath) Give it to me!

Homer changes channel again. This time the Spanish Bee is playing with an oversized yoyo.

SPANISH BEE
Ay, el yoyo is grande!

Burns runs on screen and pushes the bee out of the way.

SPANISH BEE
Ay, chihuahua!

BURNS
As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels. And you won’t see any of your favorite shows again until you give in.

OTTO
(driving the bus and watching TV) Whoa, that bites.

PATTY
(gasp) Holy crap!

BURNS
What’s that you say? You can live without television so long as you have beer?

HOMER
That’s right.

BURNS
Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson. (laughs evilly)

The doorbell then rings. It is Barney. He points a gun at Homer.

BARNEY
Homer, give him what he wants!

HOMER
Oh Barney, leave me alone!

He slams the door in Barney’s face.

BARNEY
Whoops!

He is heard falling backwards. A shot is fired, smashing glass is heard, then a woman screaming, then a police siren.

BARNEY
Uh-oh.

Bart is at school, surrounded by bullies.

NELSON
My old man can’t get a beer because his old man won’t give a bear to another old man. Let’s get him!

JIMBO
Wait! Why are we gettin’ him?

MARTIN
(coming into the shot) Look, fellas. The first snapdragon of the season!

NELSON
Never mind. Let’s just get him!

JIMBO
Yeah!

They chase after Martin, knocking Bart over as they run.

A sitcom starring Burns and Smithers is on TV. Burns enters a house

BURNS
Smithers, I’m home! (canned laughter)

SMITHERS
What, already? (more laughter)

BURNS
Yes! (louder laughing)

LISA
Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse.

HOMER
Eh, it’s about the same. Uh-oh! Look out Smithers!

The sound of smashing glass can be heard, along with more canned laughter. Homer laughs.

HOMER
Heh heh. I love this show.

An angry mob appear outside the Simpsons’ front window.

HOMER
Well, well, look who’s come to apologize.

MOE
(outside) Come on, let’s go in there and get the bear!

The crowd cheers and storms the house.

MOE
Ha! Got it!

Moe takes Bobo from Maggie and it is passed towards the door. The mob starts to leave, but see Maggie crying.

MOE
Aw jeez, would you look at that.

JASPER
What have we become?

DR. HIBBERT
We’ve given the word “mob” a bad name.

They pass the bear back, and go outside.

MOE
Well, what should we do now?

SKINNER
Hey everyone! Let’s go sing at the hospital!

The crowd cheers and walks off, singing.

CROWD
For we’ve got high hopes,
We’ve got high hopes…

Later. The doorbell rings. It is Mr. Burns.

BURNS
Simpson, look what you’ve reduced me to.

He clicks his fingers, and Smithers enters on his knees, begging.

SMITHERS
Please! Please!

HOMER
But Mr. Burns, it’s not my bear, it’s Maggie’s.

Burns goes to the back garden, where Maggie is playing in the sandpit. Maggie instinctively grabs Bobo.

BURNS
So, good sand today, hmm? (Maggie offers him her pacifier) Oh, well, I don’t usually, but…

As he puts it in his mouth, a photographer appears on the other side of the fence and takes a photo.

BURNS
Damn you paparazzo! (He throws the pacifier down.) Well, Maggie, I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement–

He suddenly lunges for the bear, but is too weak to take it from Maggie.

BURNS
Beaten by an infant… what could be more humiliating?

PHOTOGRAPHER
(takes a photo) What a scoop!

BURNS
Okay, Maggie, you win. But I want you to do something for me. Hang onto that bear. Don’t make the same mistake I made.

He sighs, then gets up and walks away. He doesn’t get very far when Maggie offers him Bobo back.

BURNS
For me? Bobo? Smithers, I’m so happy. Something amazing has happened, I’m actually happy. Take a note! From now on, I’m only going to be good and kind to everyone.

SMITHERS
I’m sorry sir, I don’t have a pencil.

BURNS
Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll remember it.

The family watch Burns and Smithers walk off.

HOMER
Well, we didn’t get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I’m confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?

MARGE
It’s an ending, that’s enough.

Smithers tucks Mr. Burns into bed.

SMITHERS
There you go.

BURNS
Ah, Bobo, reunited at last. But I can’t help but wonder what the future holds for you. (yawning) Ah yes, wonder…

He falls asleep. In his dream, the year is 1,000,000 A.D., and apes are using several Homers as slaves, whipping them as they pull carts.

HOMER SLAVES
D’oh! D’oh!

Some apes dig up a pile of rocks, under which is Bobo. A robotic arm takes the bear, which is revealed to be Mr. Burns’ head in a jar, with a robot body.

BURNS ROBOT
Bobo, I know I say this every century, but I’ll never leave you behind again.

He runs off into the distance, and is followed by Smithers as a robot dog.

SMITHERS ROBOT
Wait for me, sir! Woof!

Fade to credits.

I S A W

F R U I T  T A R T

V A N I L L A  I N  A N Y  F O R M

T H  E   E N G L I S H   P A T I E N T

Mrs Clifton.
Don't.
I believe you still have my book.
Thank you.
You still have sand in your hair.
I'm impressed you can sew.

Good.

You sew very badly.

Well, you don't sew at all.

A woman should never learn to sew
and if she can… she shouldn't admit to it.

Close your eyes.

It makes it harder still.

Hmm.

When were you most happy?

Now.

And when were you least happy?

Now.

What do you love?

What do I love?

————————

 And hedgehogs. I love hedgehogs. 
 And what else?
Marmite. I'm addicted.
And baths. But not with other people.

Islands.

And your handwriting.

Mmm...

I could go on all day.

Go on all day.

My husband.

And what do you hate most?

A lie.

What do you hate most?

Ownership.

Being owned.

When you leave… you should forget me.

—————-

 
Sorry.

I can't... I can't do this.

I can't do this. I can't do this anymore.

I'd better go now.

Say goodbye here.

I'm not agreeing. Don't think I'm agreeing,
because I'm not.

Any minute now he'll find out.
We'll barge into someone. It'll kill him.
Don't go over it again please.

Katharine?

I...

I just want you to know I'm...

I'm not missing you yet.

You will. You will.

---------------
                   
I believe I'm rather late.

Good. We're all here.

A toast to the International Sand Club.

May it soon resurface.

The International Sand Club.

The lnternational Sand Club - misfits, buggers,
fascists and fools.

God bless us, every one. Oops!

Mustn't say ''International.'' Dirty word, filthy word.

His Majesty, die Fuhrer
il duce...

Sorry. What's your point?

And the people here don't want us.
You must be joking.

Egyptians are desperate to get rid of the colonials. Isn't that right, Fouad?

Some of their best people getting down on their hands and knees
begging to be spared the Knighthood.

Isn't that right? Hmm? Isn't that right, Sir Ronnie?

What's my point? Oh, I've invented a new dance.

Anybody up for it? It's called...
It's called the Bosphorus Hug.

Madox?

Or Bermann? You'll dance with me? Hmm?

Dag. Come on, Daggers.

Let's eat first. Sit down.

They're playing it far too slowly… but these were the words
actually, before they were cleaned up.

Might be a song for you
Mrs Clif...

You either shut up or go home! You're completely blasted!

Sit down!

Absolutely right! Shut up! Shut up!

Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

I can't think what came over me.

Lashings of apologies...
all around.

Thank you.

Why were you holding his collar?

What?

''What''? That boy. That little boy.

You were holding his collar. You were gripping his collar. What for?
Hmm? Is he next?

Are you going to drag him into your little room?
Where is it?

Is this it?

Don't do this.

I've watched you.
I've watched you at garden parties.
on verandas… at the races.
How can you... stand there?

Please.

How can you ever smile…
as if your life hadn't capsized?

You know why?

Dance with me.

No.

Dance with me.
I want to touch you.
I want the things which are mine… which belong to me.

Do you think you're the only one who feels
anything?
Is that what you think?
Why don't you go?
Get some sleep.

Would you like me to?

Good night.

 -------------------------   

Hana.

Kip. 

Just wait. Don't look at anything yet. 

Wait. 

Kip!

Oh, thank you!

Mmm!

If one night I didn't come to see you
what would you do?

I'd try not to expect you.

Yes, but if it got late and... I hadn't shown up?

Then I'd think there must be a reason.

You wouldn't come to find me?

Hmm. That makes me never want to come here.

Then I'd tell myself
… he spends all day searching.
In the night
he wants to be found.
                
I do. I do want you to find me.
I do want to be found.

—————————-

                  
I was looking for Lieutenant Singh.

He's sleeping.

Only we've got to go to work.

I'll tell him.

What is it? Is it a mine?

It's a bomb by a viaduct.

Does he have to go?

Beg pardon?

What if you couldn't find him? Sergeant, not
today. Not this morning.

What's happening? Am I needed?

Afraid so, Sir.

Don't go. I'm frightened.

This is what I do.  I do this every day.

----------------------------

Hardy!

Serial number K-K-l-P...
- -g-g.

K-K-l-P    g, Sir!

I'll get the oxygen.

Hardy, what's happening?

CCCCaaamnn'tt sssmeeeeeeu, SSySirrk htt'ssss fffrroormm tthheeeu rrooaaamdddk

CCCCoorryhhoorraaaml???

Thanks, Sir! I don't know what it's about!

Stop 'em! Stop!

Stop!

Hardy!

Stop! Stop!

What is this…
a bloody carnival?

The fuse has snapped!

What's happened? Is it armed?

Hang on a second.

I'll be right with you.

Can you see the detonator, Sir?

You've got to cut it, Sir. That frost won't last.

Stop! Stop! Slow down!
Stop! Stop! Slow down!

Go away!

Yes, Sir.

This is making me incredibly angry.

I know, Sir.
Watch out! That'll burn!

Ow!

CCCCaaannn yyynoouuu fffAeeeeeeul 'eeeurmm???

CCCCuuutt itt, SSySirr.
You've gotta cut it!

I don't even know if this is the right wire.

Choose. Just choose a wire and cut it.

Get a blanket! Dade, get a blanket for Lieutenant!

Sarge! Sarge! It's over, Sir! It's over!

Jerry's surrendered!

Yeah-ha!

Sir, congratulations.

Kip? Kip?
Kip!

Hey, we're goin' home!

It's raining.

Kip, come and dance with us.

Later.

Oh, come on.

Clap now.

Yeah.

Here comes the bomb squad!

Hey, let me handle it!

Go on
Sergeant Hardy!

Bring 'em home!

Hardy! Hardy! Hardy!

What was that?

I'm never going to forgive myself.
I'm never going to bloody forgive myself.

Sergeant Hardy, Sir. It was booby-trapped.

They was runnin' up the Union Jack, Sir up on that statue.

It just went off, Sir.

Sergeant Hardy climbed up Sir, just for a lark, Sir.

It should've been me. It was my idea.

Sir, you don't wanna look.

Ooh.

Who's that girl?

His fiancee, Sir.

Hardy's?

He kept it a bit dark.

-------------    

Kip?
Kip, it's me.

I'm so sorry about what happened.
Can I talk to you? Kip?
Kip, why won't you talk to me?
Oh, Kip.
 

 

D O R A E M O N

 

 

K A R E – K A R E

T H E  H O U S  E  O F   T H E   S P I R I T S

To compare the written work and the movie version, I have found, that even when the film adaptation is excellent in terms of the writing, direction and cinematography, not to mention the stellar cast… the prose of Isabel Allende (at least, the English translation of the Spanish original), to be far superior. One consideration of course is the time factor… the filmmaker has no choice but to abbreviate certain events to accommodate the major scenes in a two-hour presentation. I also feel it would be so much better if I were a master of the Spanish language, for I am certain that some faint artistic nuances have been lost in translation. But, well, I remain content with the book I have.

For lack of a good quality transcript online, I have assembled a collection of images from the film – all taken from generous internet sources of course. I have also included memorable quotes from the book.

T R I F L E (Any Kind)

S Q U I D  R I N G S

H A L O – H A L O

E V O L U T I O N

Despite all the warnings, she was smoking in bed, fell asleep.
            Bad move.
            And the fire begins.
            It's showtime.
            Don't worry, ma'am! I'm here to save you!
            Keep those people back! This is an emergency!
            Don't you dare die on me!
            Breathe, damn it, breathe!
            She's going to make it!
            What the...?
            Damn!
            Though it may be hard to believe a single biology professor...
            ...making in excess of $      a year could find time...
            ...to grade your first biology research papers, I did.
            As you can see, there was a shocking statistical anomaly:
            Pretty much all of you got A's.
            Congratulate yourselves. I have a good feeling about this group.
            And I think the parade of A's will continue to the end of the semester.
            So much for the bell curve.
            Bell curves suck!
            - Mr. Kane? - Dr. Kane?
            There seems to be a mistake here.
            My brother and I each got a C-.
            C-. Me, too.
            Allow me to share something with the entire class.
            As I was grading papers, I came across two gems, both entitled "Cells are Bad".
            Both with just one paragraph, which I unfortunately committed to memory.
            "Cells are Bad."
            "My uncle lives in a cell."
            "It's    by    and he has to read the same boring magazine every day."
            "The end."
            You're talking about our papers, aren't you, Dr. Kane?
            Yes, I am.
            And although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be...
            ...I couldn't put an A on those beauties. I hope you understand.
            - Sure. - Yeah, okay.
            Okay, let's get back to work at the periodic table, which...
            A meteor? Where?
            Route   A. Yeah, I got it.
            Rest assured, I will be there. Okay, 'bye.
            How does it look, Professor?
            It's tight.
            Really, really tight, Nadine.
 But not too tight. You just don't have the points. Sorry.
      Don't take it too hard. Geology's tougher than people think.
     Are you sure? Could you check again?
              I need this credit to get into nursing school.
              Nursing school?
              Wouldn't you prefer a different profession?
              One where lives were not dependent on you?
              Actually, what I want to be is Miss Arizona.
              But my pageant consultant says nursing school will impress the judges.
              They'll think I want to help people...
              Ready for lunch?
              Or have you already eaten?
              I'm just concluding a teacher-student conference with Nadine.
              Harry, your dedication to your job is an inspiration to us all.
              Regrettably, I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane.
              We'll discuss your extra credit later. Cheer up.
              Let me grab my stuff.
              Where are you taking me?
              - A meteor hit last night. - That's what that was.
              As Glen Canyon's representative for the U.S. Geological Survey...
              ...I have to check it out.
              I'm taking you in case I have to do something scientific.
              Then we eat.
              You're with the USGS?
              I signed up over the Internet.
              Or were you on a cheerleader site and accidentally got linked to the USGS site?
              Something like that.
              Watch it. Take it easy.
              That's my baby. Take it easy.
              Come on! Be careful!
              Who's going to pay for the damage to my goddamn car?
              I told you, we don't do that. It's "force majeure".
              "Force majeure", my ass! That car's a classic '   Buick Riv.
              Who are you?
              Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.
              My secretary, Ira Kane. We're here to investigate the meteor...
              ...if that is what it is.
              Of course it is. It almost blew up my car.
              I'm still fuzzy on why you were here at night.
              With Betty Lou here.
              I was practicing for my fireman's exam, which started seven minutes ago.
              So I'd appreciate it if you'd let me go.
              So you and the blonde found the meteor?
              Yeah, I found it. It bounced my car     feet in the air.
              - Can I go? - Bob, get him out of here.
              Don't leave town.
              Well, Sheriff, is this the...
              ...point of penetration?
              Yeah. It punched through into a cavern about    feet down.
              Now that's a hole!
              Damn it!
              Next time, you carry the case.
              You're the USGS representative. That responsibility comes with the badge.
              Oh, my God. Look at that.
              I believe we've located the target.
              Two big smiles, fellas.
              Cheese!
              Okay, hold it up now.
              - Got it. - It's really hot.
              I'll hold you up.
              Show a little more nightstick.
              Look at these jackasses.
              Muscle pose. Give me big smiles! Looking good.
              At ease, gentlemen! The feds are here.
              Feds? What feds?
              Who let you down here?
              Let's not get combative.
              The USGS and local law enforcement have a long history of cooperation.
              We're just here to get some scientific samples. If that's okay.
              Yeah, sure. We got all the photographic evidence we need.
              - Carry on. - Thanks. Keep up the good work.
              Wow.
              It just hit last night and it has stuff growing on it.
              Could be cave moss.
              After just a few hours? That's peculiar.
              Let's get a sample and get out of here.
              It's bleeding.
              It's a rock that bleeds.
              Now that's really peculiar.
              Let's bag it.
              I don't know if this USGS gig is all it's cracked up to be.
              I mean, it pads out my résumé, but am I growing as a person?
              Am I growing as a Division   women's volleyball coach?
              You going to do that spectro-thingy test?
              Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do a spectroscopic analysis.
              Your résumé will shine.
              I got to get to the game. Let me know if you find anything.
              Ira, are you sure you can handle this by your lonesome?
              All right.
              That's impossible.
              Ten base pairs.
              That can't be.
              Come on, ladies! Look alive up here!
              Tina! When Lisa goes for the spike, you have to cover the line!
              Lisa! Two hands, okay? Two hands!
              God gave you two hands for a reason!
              Big news. The most amazing thing.
              The meteor samples are teeming with one-celled organisms.
              Their metabolic rates are off the charts.
              They're dividing at an incredible rate. Almost exponential.
              Their DNA has ten base pairs.
              Ten base pairs. That's good to know.
              Harry, the DNA of all earth life has only four base pairs.
              Come on, ladies! Look alive!
              Harry...
              ...these are organisms from another world.
              They're aliens.
              Is the Nobel Prize paid in instalments or a lump sum, like the lottery?
              Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
              I'm not. I'm concerned about the potential tax consequences.
              - Why in here? - I just want to be cautious.
              Our discovery.
              I'm all tingly.
              Wow.
              I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?
              If we want to be big important scientists, you have to act the part.
              Take a look.
              There are multi-cellular organisms in there.
              I know.
              - They weren't there before. - They snuck in.
              No, there was no sneaking in.
              It's too amazing.
              It's like they're evolving.
              They're growing.
              Growing into more complex organisms.
              It's evolution.
              Nobel, here we come.
              But it's     million years worth in just a few hours.
              That's fast.
              You have no idea.
--------------------
 Keep your head up.
              You know she wants to give you some.
              Were you even in that courtroom?
              Getting barbecued like babyback ribs? It's all foreplay.
              We've been hit.
              Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed.
              - Empty. - This is bad. This is very, very bad.
              Damn it!
              I don't care who they are. Stealing is stealing!
              They took the rock, the samples, all the little wormy critters.
              All the data's gone. The JPEG files, the DNA sequences. They cleaned us out.
              - I'm calling the cops. - The cops?
              They are the cops!
              Then what?
              Let me ask you something.
              How come you get to be a colonel and I'm just a private?
              I was a colonel.
              And you obviously served your country with distinction.
              Consider yourself lucky.
              The penalty for impersonating an officer is five years in prison.
              Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.
              Colonels first.
              We been out here for twelve hours. My toe is starting to hurt.
              Stop it.
              - Just act like you belong. - Don't worry, I got this.
              - Pick up that butt, soldier. - Sorry, sir.
              - And tuck that shirt in. - Yes, sir.
              Get the door.
              Thank you, Private.
              Don't get used to this.
              Look at that.
              Enjoy your lunch, gentlemen.
              Your girlfriend,   :  .
              Darn it.
              The woman's a menace.
              Testing, one, two.
              This is DJ Harry Block here and I'm an Aquarius.
              Stop. I can hear you.
              Don't snap at me, unless you want an angry "Solid Gold" dancer on your hands.
              Lieutenant?
              Who's that?
              I don't know.
              I don't have anything on my schedule.
              Maybe it's the guys from Sector    doing a nocturnal specimen run.
              You know how those guys are.
              This place has changed.
              Can you believe this?
              Harry, look at that.
              Our little babies are growing up.
              Three weeks, it's already like a rain forest in here.
              Looks like the kitchen from my first apartment.
              Harry...
              ...check that guy out.
              Is it coming or going?
              That tree just ate it.
              Everything here seems to be food for something else, so let's stay off the menu.
              You got that right.
              Come here, look at these little things.
              Cool.
              Snag one.
              Snag one?
              Yeah. Snag one and put it in the bucket.
              I've seen this movie. The black dude dies first. You snag it.
              Don't be scared. We came for a specimen, now snag one.
              He won't hurt you, he's turned the other way. He's eating.
              Come on.
              Come on, my little red lobster.
              Come on, my sexy little crustacean.
              Look at that backside.
Theatre-in-the-round. That's the kind of trunk space you want in a late model car.
              Who does that remind you of?
              I have no idea what you're talking about.
              She's been throwing it at you enough.
              - Dr. Reed? - Bull's-eye.
              Excuse me. Dr. Reed? Did you authorise a walk-through?
              No. Why?
              You should probably take a look at something.
              Here.
y:i That's the kind of rump you'd like to roast.  y:i Kind of mother you'd like to butter.
               y:i That is a nice image.  y:i And I appreciate your assumption...
               y:i ... that there is  y:i an actual sexual human being...
               y:i ... underneath  y:i all Dr. Reed's deep-seated neuroses...
               y:i ...but I don't think so.  y:i - What?
               y:i I think she is a humourless ice queen.
y:i That's just a cover, don't you know that?  y:i All she needs is a good humping.
               y:i Oh, Ira. Ira!
               y:i We have to get a piece of the asteroid.  y:i And cut that out, it disturbs me.
               y:i Don't do that behind my back like that.
              - I'm not doing it. - Cut it out.
              I'm just walking.
              Let's bag that and get the hell out of here.
              I'm ready when you are, Colonel. This disco suit is making me chafe.
              Shoo, fly.
              Hold it. Right there.
              Dr. Reed. Nice to see you again. We were just leaving.
              You realise you're in violation of the judge's orders. I could have you arrested.
              Talk about violations. What about our lab?
              Anyone have a can of Raid?
              - What are you talking about? - You stole our computer files, our samples.
              - I didn't steal anything. - Your buddies did.
              - They cleaned us out. - No, we didn't.
              Damn right.
              You've been trying to grab credit...
              ...on our discovery from the beginning. We just want what's rightfully ours.
              Credit has nothing to do with it. I'm concerned with public safety.
              - Is any of this true, Flemming? - Absolutely not.
              - Something's in my suit. - You're not going to believe him!
              Something's in my suit.
              - What? - There's something in my suit!
              That's impossible, it's sealed!
              The fly! There's a fly in my suit!
              Take off your helmet! Turn up the oxygen!
              It'll kill it!
              Do you see it? Look. Do you see it?
              No.
              - You're all right. Who's the man? - You are.
              - No, you're the man! - I'm the man.
              - You're the man! - Okay.

              Oh, God.
              It's in me!
              For the love of everything holy, get this thing out of me!
              You'll be okay! Cut him open and get it.
              Cut me open? There goes your Christmas gift, you Judas!
              It's moving down his leg!
              - What do we do? - Might have to amputate.
              Don't take my leg! Don't let them take my leg!
              Anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
              Doctor, look.
              It's heading for his testicles.
              Take it! Take the leg!
              Wait!
              It's going the other way.
              Give me some forceps. I might be able to catch it in his colon.
              - How will you go in? - Rectally.
              I'll get the lubricant.
              - No time. - There's always time for lubricant!
              Flip him!
              Okay, here we go.

              - You have to try to relax. - It'll be okay.
              I'll shove this gurney up your ass, see if you relax!
              Cheek spreader.
              I'm going in.
              - Don't clench. - You're so brave.
              - A little more. - No more!
              A little deeper.
              No deeper!
              Squeeze my hand.
              - Almost there. - Open up.
              - Breathe. - I'm breathing.
              - Almost there. - You're there!
              Got it!
              It's over.
              It just died.
              Don't you ever do that again!
              Those forceps were like this. You took it like a man.
              You did great. Can we get you anything?
              Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream, please.
              What flavour?
              It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.

—————

You have to admit, this animal attack has kind of an ominous feel, doesn't it?
              - Check it out? - Check it out.
              All right!
              Looks like we're under the microscope, so let's be subtle. No cowboy stuff, okay?
              - No problem. - Professionals.
              Officer Johnson.
              What are you doing here?
              We heard about the attack.
              Part of our job is to ascertain if there's any health risk.
              No. Not this time. Forget about it.
              - You didn't touch it, right? - That would be a serious no-no.
              - You did? He touched it. - He shouldn't have touched it.
              - What do we do? - I don't know.
              Okay. Why don't you come in and take a look?
              I'll be checking things out...
              ...around here in this vicinity.
              This dog is all ass.
              Jeez. Ira, look at this, man.
              He would have come from in here, right?
              It's just used for storage and access under the house.
              Looks like he crawled through the dirt.
              Hey, guys.
              I was conducting...
              ...a parameter check, and there's something you better see.
              You liked that thing, you're going to love this.
              What is it?
              What is it?
              Great googa-mooga!
              What did I tell you?
              They're crawling out.
              They're trying to breathe in our atmosphere.
              Fortunately, they haven't been able to adapt yet.
              - I think I know how these things got here. - How?
              This entire area is just a honeycomb of caves and old mine shafts.
              I believe the Moenave cave system starts a few miles away...
              ...west of the golf course. It runs into the foothills, continues to...
              ...the Kaibab Plateau and goes right into Lake Powell.
              Our cave...
              ...is smack dab in the middle of the system. It's all connected.
              - Could you repeat that? - I'm impressed.
              Beneath this calm, sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist.
              That one's moving.
              What the hell is it doing?
              I think it's trying to breathe.
              That's like a big loogie!
              "Mazel tov." It's a boy.
              It's oxygen tolerant.
              It's flying away. Is that a bad thing?
              Only if you're a human being.
 

—————–

Professor Kane!
                Arizona! It's going down, baby!
                This may not be the best time to be drinking.
                I was your first. We discovered you in that cave. You were scared and alone.
                It was just you, me and Harry.
                Those were good times.
                So, why not level with me now?
                You can trust me. Just talk to me.
                Tell me the secret. Tell me the answer. Tell me how to kill you.
                You are losing it, pal.
                What is that stuff anyway?
                Some of the original liquid material from inside the meteor.
                - Why hasn't it evolved like the rest? - I don't know. Maybe being refrigerated?
                Being in an airtight case, nothing to metabolise with. But we've still no clue...
                When did you start smoking?
                Not much of a point to clean living anymore.
                They react to fire like it was Miracle-Gro.
                Fire.
                The organisms were dormant in space. They hit Earth's atmosphere and bam!
                Heat. Fire. That's the catalyst.
                So if a tiny match catalyses this stuff like this...
                ...what's a ton of napalm going to do?
                So much for the military option.
                Better call that dick general.
                - That's a lot of napalm. - Yes, it is.
                We're going to blow those creatures straight to hell.
                We'll flush them out along the mine shafts then mop up the edges as they...
                ...run trying to escape the flames.
                Excuse me, sir. There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.
                She says she has important information about the mission.
                Oh, really? Well, unfortunately, I'm not available.
                Anything more?
                No, sir.
                He blew me off. Can you believe it?
                - He wouldn't even take my call. - You did call him an asshole.
                Dr. K!
                - We got beer! - Time to party!
                - I'll take one of those. - Me, too. I just quit smoking.
                What are you boys doing here?
                Thought you could use a brew so you can mellow out.
                Kick back and chill.
                Have a beer, relax. It'll help with your research.
                Yeah, help with your research.
                Look at that thing.
                Can we have that when you're done with it?
                Fellas, thanks for the beers, but we're working.
                Hold it.
                - Look. - What are you doing?
                Selenium. It could be the answer.
                I'm looking at the periodic table on your T-shirt. I'm seeing a pattern.
                Take off your shirt.
                Yes.
                - No. - All right, look.
                We are a carbon-based life form.
                Keep pulling.
                We move down here and you find our poison: Arsenic.
                But the aliens are nitrogen-based, right?
                You make the same move...
                ...down and over, and where do you find yourself?
                Selenium.
                It could be as lethal to them as arsenic is to us.
                With their metabolic rates, it'll kill them fast.
                Selenium. How much do we need?
                Five hundred gallons should do it.
                Five hundred gallons?
                I hate to be a buzzkill, but where will we get that at  :   a.m.?
                No problem.
                We can get that.
                Head & Shoulders.
                The dandruff shampoo?
                Yeah, that's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulphide.
                How do you know that? You don't know anything.
                Haven't you noticed how shiny and flake-free our hair is?
                Okay, this is the best idea we got.
                Let's give it a shot. Come on.
                We'll get the troops together. We're getting shampoo!
                I have the perfect vehicle.
                Good! Donalds, you just got your A's.
                Almost full.
                There's something I should tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
                Just say it. We're adults and we're about to die a horrible death soon anyway.
                I would have rocked your world.
                - You already have. - All full.
                Battle stations!
                Can we continue this discussion later?
                Let's do this!
                Let's shampoo us some aliens!
                Lots of soldiers around.
                There's an old mine half a click south. We can sneak into the cave through there.
                "Half a click"? What are you, in Vietnam?
                Hey, I'm digging this. Work with me.
                It's over here! It's right here!
                - Are you okay? - I'm good.
                Let's go!
                Let's do this.
                You sure this leads to the main cavern?
                It'll lead somewhere. Geology's not an exact science.
                Where are you?
                Where are you, my little aliens?
                Show yourself.
                Warm to the touch.
                Highly acidic.
                We've no time for you to act like you know what you're doing.
                What happened to the respect?
                Woodman's going at noon. We have to hurry.
                - Good. Are the troops in place? - Ahead of schedule.
                Excellent. We can go early.
                Oh, no. What is he doing here?
                Governor Lewis.
                I don't see anything burning. Where are all the explosions?
                We're just getting underway. I didn't know you were coming to watch.
                Well, better make it a good one, Sergeant.
                That's General.
                Not if you screw this up. Keeping my chair warm for me?
                Thank you.
                I'll take a pair of spy glasses and a hot chocolate.
                Give me the hose.
                Get up top. When I give the signal, start pumping the selenium.
                Got it.
                We'll spray all around the meteor...
                ...then get out of here as fast as we can.
                Blue monkey!
                Wayne, charge the line now!
                That's the napalm!
                Woodman went early.
                Bad!
                Wayne, come on!
                I'm out.
                We've got to go!
                Go! Faster! Get up there!
                Run for your life!
                Quite a bonfire we've got. Should have brought some wieners.
                That can be arranged.
                - First reports are excellent, sir. - Very good.
                Keep it together, Wayne.
                Oh, my God.
                What's happening?
                - It's coming! - What's coming?
                Get the hell out of here!
                - Great flaming whore balls! - General, look!
                Hurry!
                - Drive! - Go!
                All right!
                Fall back!
                What the hell is that thing?
                The napalm forced an evolutionary response, like the match in the petri dish.
                That's evolution?
                Survival of the fittest. Often, the simplest organism is the strongest.
                Guys? It's freaking out!
                It's starting to have some sort of spaz attack.
                That's not spazzing out.
                It's getting ready to divide.
                Mitosis.
                Wait. There's going to be more of these things?
                - A lot more. - Its cycle is starting again.
                It will go on growing and doubling until it takes over.
                But we were here first.
                So that Head & Shoulders idea. Is that still the plan?
                I'm driving.
                So what if he's on "Air Force One"? It has phones. I've seen them!
                I don't think this can wait an hour.
                What's that fire truck doing out there?
                Mama.
                Can you believe this?
                We have to find a point of attack.
                There!
                Nasty!
                Allison, stop. Right here.
                Here we go!
                Get the ladder up!
                Feed me the hose, Deke.
                - What are you doing? - Going up top.
                Not before me. I got a major score to settle.
                Go, go, go!
                We don't have much time, guys! Hurry!
                - Left! - Left!
                Got it. I haven't had much practice with this.
                Stop!
                - What's going on? - I don't know, but it's getting bigger.
                What are they doing with that ladder?
                Looks like they're getting ready to administer a jumbo enema.
                We got one shot. Let's do this.
                It's payback time!
                Keep it in there!
                What's it look like I'm doing?
                It's working!
                Shit!
                What the hell?
                Oh, my God!
                Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!
                She's going to blow!
                Stop kicking!
                It's horrible in here!
                - I got you! - Help me!
                Hold me, Ira! Don't let me go!
                We have to get out of here! This thing's going to blow!
                You cannot imagine what I saw in there!
                Hurry up, guys!
                Ira! Don't you ever tell anyone where I've been!
                Dear Lord.
                Uh-oh. Time to go.
                Go!
                We did it!

                Here we go, sir. Just relax and we'll have you as good as new.
                I am happy to report that all remaining traces...
                ...of the alien menace have been eradicated...
                ...using the selenium shampoo formula developed right here.
                Let me introduce our civilian scientist heroes and their team...
                ...the best the great state of Arizona has been privileged to produce.
                So this is your moment. You wouldn't want to miss this for anything.
                Firstly, I would like you all to meet Wayne Gray.
                As of today, a fully credentialed fire-fighter.
                I spoke to the chief.
                Thanks, Governor.
                Now, our next hero...
                ...Professor Harry Block, noted geologist...
                ...and winningest coach in north Arizona women's volleyball.
                I appreciate that, Governor.
                First, I thank God. With Him, all things are possible.
                We just played tough defence, took it one alien at a time...
                ...and came away with the big W.
                And finally...
                ...Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed...
                ...whose tireless efforts, research, and academic findings led to the...
                I think he's giving her a bit of the Kane Madness.
                Fighting the alien menace can be tough work.
                So is keeping your hair clean, shiny and dandruff-free.
                So we always keep a healthy supply of...
                ...Head & Shoulders around the house.

P I K A C H U

E M P A N A D A N G  VI G A N

VIGAN WORLD HERITAGE VILLAGE, ILOCOS SUR


VIGAN HERITAGE VILLAGE BY NIGHT
  

 LONGGANIZANG VIGAN & VIGAN ROYAL BIBINGKA

3 thoughts on “Little random stuff in my trunk…

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  2. I’ve been browsing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will be a lot more useful than ever before.|

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